WOMENS-HEALTH Messages for January, 1999: Re: Childhood sexual abuse by doctor

Re: Childhood sexual abuse by doctor

From: Angela (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Sun, 10 Jan 1999 07:54:59 -0600 (CST)

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At Sun, 10 Jan 1999, Elsbeth wrote: >
>I'll try to be brief. This is not easy. Do not attack me for being
>angry and bitter.
>Sexually abused by male pediatrician at ages 11 and 12.
>Told parents. No action taken.
>Do not tell me to seek him out. He's dropped off the face of the earth.
>Forced into pshychotherapy at 18. Was told by therapist that I was evil
>and responsible for my family's misery. Therapist brainwashed my sister
>into believing she was "hopeless" and she attempted suicide.
>I was a straight "A" student, very quiet, and always showed immense
>respect for my family and others (as did my sister).
>I am 29, and 3 months pregnant after many years of infertiltiy. It has
>been so hard for me to trust anyone in the medical communtiy. I leave
>every appt. in a massive state of anxiety. I cannot find support
>groups for people like me. NO, incest and other types of sexual abuse
>are NOT the same. Other survivors do not pay the very people who
>violated them to molest them over and over again. They do not have to
>DEPEND on them for the maintenance of their general health. I do not
>know how I can continue with this for the next 7 months. I do not know
>how I will be able to "succomb" to the psychological torture of L&D at
>the hopsital. I do not fear childbirth. I fear and do not trust the
>doctors. No one understands. It's so different when it is a doctor who
>has done the abuse.
>
>Trust again? Trust who? A doctor, a therapist, my parents? Hmm, I did
>that. From childhood to puberty to adulthood. I do not think I am
>strong enough to trust them again. Any of them. How much strength
>would you have if the people (ALL of the people, not just 1 or 2) who
>were supposed to protect you and take care of you were the very ones who
>betrayed you? It makes me very angry and sad. I've been waiting for
>this pregnancy for so long. All my dreams are being dashed by these
>feelings of molestation and betrayal.
>
>Do not try to convince me that gyne exams are in no way "sexual". That
>my breasts and vagina are not "sexual". That the minute I walk into an
>exam room I am no longer considered "sexual". That the doctor does not
>consider me or my body to be "sexual". Face it, if it is one thing we
>are taught it is that we are sexual creatures. And doesn't gyne deal
>with such pathologies anyway? I know I am bitter. I have had many gyne
>and non-gyne appts. and many, many different doctors in the past. Each
>one left me with the same cold feeling, the same feelings of violation.
>I am not able to maintain a rapport with anyone (in the medical field).
>I desperately want pre-natal care but I just don't know if I can
>continue to deal with this mental anguish. Like I said, they treat it
>the same as regular sexual abuse. IT'S NOT! And I wasn't an adult, I
>WAS A GIRL!!
> So what now?---Elsbeth

Elsbeth

I won't pretend I know what you went through then or now but I could feel your pain and the suffering you have experienced these many years. I had a different situation with my GYN who I trusted, she did unnecessary surgery, did not give me the alternatives to hysterectomy and ended up taking my healthy ovaries even after requesting in writing they not be removed. What I went through with her, there was a lot more to it than I have said, and the way she treated me afterwards, emotional and physical rape was what I felt and feel today everytime I see a doctor of any kind.

I would give anything to be able to change what has happened because this pregnancy should be the happiest of times! I think what the doctors including the therapist did is criminal. We go to them in trust and need, not to be used and abused. You sound strong and know your baby and yourself needs the pre-natal care. I don't have any real answers to finding a doctor you will be comfortable with under the circumstances but in my case when I had to go I did credential checks, word of mouth, and once there was upfront with the doctor about the past. You will be able to judge for yourself from their reaction and what they say if you can accept them and their help. In my case I found a GYN who really did seem to understand and has been very helpful. Our approach to each other was respectful and we learned to listen to what the other was really saying, and work out my physical problems together. What I am saying is you may never trust again, it is understandable as I do not trust still today. But, you can get the help you need medically. There are doctors who will understand and work with this handicap to a doctor/patient relationship, but you must search. Do this for yourself and especially for your baby. Remember you must help and be Good to yourself, and now your baby. GOOD LUCK AND SAFE DELIVERY, Angela

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