WOMENS-HEALTH Messages for December, 1997: joke

joke

From: AnnMarie (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Wed, 17 Dec 1997 16:53:31 -0600

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>Legal Claus
>-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
>
>ACLU vs Santa
>
>CHICAGO - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it
>was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the
>civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge, stated
>that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and
>has been putting that information in a vast database. The information
>is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization to
>determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is
>obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have
>alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company
>information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has
>been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
>free expression of beliefs."
>
>Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo which
>reads, in part:
>
> You better watch out.
> You better not cry.
> You better not pout.
> I'm telling you why:
> Santa Claus is coming to town.
>
> He sees you when you are sleeping
> He knows when you're awake,
> He knows when you've been bad or good,
> So be good for goodness' sake.
>
>Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from a worker in the
>distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, "clearly shows a
>concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free
>expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about
>the security of the information. What would be the result of such a
>database being made available to other law enforcement agencies
>around the world?"
>
>Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they
>were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of
>a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the
>Justice Department stated that, "We believe a large number of
>parents, ministers, and teachers are involved in this business, and
>we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for
>lighter sentences."
>
>In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by
>the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the
>part of Mr. Claus. "Our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one
>else, paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has
>delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States
>of the Union, we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes
>on all of the goods he delivers."
>
>Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr.
>Claus is a well-known and highly-respected figure. His supporters are
>from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no
>way, be taken as a for of "mind control" or a violation of the "civil
>rights of children."
>
>The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
>resident of the United States or any country with which the United
>States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr.
>Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his
>North Pole compound.
>
>In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the
>charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by
>the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice
>Department will discover they have no basis."
>
>Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
>pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.
>
>Contributed by: Animaniacs and the Joke of the Day! archives
>

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