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Re: Vanishing Twin ?From: Noelle (anonymous@obgyn.net)Fri, 29 Jan 1999 10:28:00 -0600 (CST)
At Fri, 29 Jan 1999, Ann wrote:
>One question though ..... at what stage do you stop grieving for the Dear Ann, Please understand that you are not abnormal or immature to be feeling the way you are about your baby who may not live. Even though intellectually you (or others) may be able to say that "this is best it happens now" or "it's better than losing both twins," the truth is still that these are BOTH your babies and it's perfectly natural, motherly and loving to have deep love for EACH baby and to feel a very deep sense of loss and grief over one baby's death. Even though you will probably birth one beautiful, healthy baby in September, no one and nothing will ever replace the baby who died, whether she or he dies early on or later in pregnancy or after birth. Many people try to minimize the grief that we moms (and dads) feel after a baby's death, and that's especially true if the death occurs earlier on and can be called a 'miscarriage'. But no matter what, you are grieving not only the loss of a unique human being, but also the DREAMS and POTENTIAL of that little person and your dreams of raising twins. That's not silly or strange - that's grief that comes out of your deep love for your baby. What many people don't get is that parenting starts in the very beginning when you find out you're pregnant and you start rearranging your thoughts and your life to accomodate the baby or babies into it. That's PARENTING and it makes absolute sense that if your baby dies, there is real grief that has to be expressed some way. You said you think you're in denial, and you probably are and that's totally normal. Have you heard of the "stages of grief"? Well, I don't think they happen in a straight, linear fashion where you go through the shock, then the denial, then the anger, then the bargaining, then the resolution. For me, it's always been a real mix-up - some days (some hours!) I would flip from one to another to another "stage" then back again. Some days, especially in the early weeks and months, I would feel totally consumed by my grief adn think there was no way I could possbily cry more than I was. It was a very scary, lonely place to be, but it only changed gradually and with time. It's been over two years since my son Ethan was stillborn and there are still days where I'm in denial, in anger, trying to bargain with the universe - I still haven't gotten to 'resolution' and sometimes wonder if that will ever come. But the point is, going through any and all of these feelings is totally normal given that you are a MOM and these feelings happen because you love your baby (all your children) so much. One other thing - please know that being the mom of a "vanishing twin" puts even heavier burdens on you. Many people (maybe even including yourself) will expect you to just "be positive" for your baby's who's still living, to deal with it and "move on" and to accept what happened as a "blessing in disguise". I hope you can come to some understanding and acceptance of what's happening in your own time and space, but just know that grief needs to be expressed in some way, through outward ways like crying and talking with others and/or more inward ways of processing what's happened, like personal journalling, meditation, prayer, or whatever helps you. I just wanted to reassure you that what you're feeling is not weird or abnormal. Please do whatever you need to do to help you process what's going on. I truly hope that you will be told wonderful, hopeful news on Feb. 19th. My heart breaks for you - what a long time to have to wait and wonder :'( But if what you fear and what the doctor is telling you is true, I hope you can allow yourself to grieve in whatever way and however long you need to. Every woman I've ever talked to who's lost a baby at any point has agreed with me that you'll never be "over it" - you'll grow and change and learn to incorporate your loss into your life, but you will always be changed by this little life that you nurtured, even if only for a few weeks. Take care, Noelle
-- Noelle Haland Mama to Ethan (stillborn 12/2/96), Max (born 10/28/97)... ...and new babe due 4th of July 1999 <noelleh@earthlink.net>
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