a lil humor

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From: anonymous@obgyn.net Return-path: <anonymous@obgyn.net> To: anonymous@obgyn.net, anonymous@obgyn.net Subject: Fwd: DL: Off topic:Parenthood funny Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999 08:11:28 EST Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-type: multipart/mixed; boundary="part1_917024470_boundary"

In a message dated 1/5/99 3:21:20 PM, anonymous@obgyn.net wrote:

<<> Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books > and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
> parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience
> of being a mother or father.
>
> 1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
> stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine
> months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
>
> 2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
> the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist
> to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your
> salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the
> paper and read it for the last time.
>
> 3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
> are already parents and berate them about their methods of
> discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and
> how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
> which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
> training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it--it's the
> last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
>
> 4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room
> from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
> pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and
> go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again
> with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go
> back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am.
> Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the
> dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.
> Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
>
> 5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
> butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick
> behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your
> fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover
> the stains with crayons. There, how does that look?
>
> 6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy
> an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the
> string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for
> this: all moring.
>
> 7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
> paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube.
> Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a
> Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and
> an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the
> Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place
> on the play group committee.
>
> 8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don't think you can
> leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
> don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in
> the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in
> the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies.
> Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides
> of the car. There! Perfect!
>
> 9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.
> Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out
> again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down
> it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to
> inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum,
> dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.
> Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the
> neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the
> house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for
> a walk.
>
> 10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your
> local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
> to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you
> intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
> your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
> Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
> accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
>
> 11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
> from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of
> soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
> pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot
> Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot
> of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old
> child.
>
> 12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street,
> and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, "I love you,
> you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!
>>>

Return-Path: <anonymous@obgyn.net> Received: from rly-zd05.mx.aol.com (rly-zd05.mail.aol.com [172.31.33.229]) by air-zd01.mail.aol.com (v55.5) with SMTP; Tue, 05 Jan 1999 14:21:19 -0500 Received: from fensende.com (fensende.com [199.67.10.215]) by rly-zd05.mx.aol.com (8.8.8/8.8.5/AOL-4.0.0) with ESMTP id OAA29346; Tue, 5 Jan 1999 14:21:10 -0500 (EST) Received: (from anonymous@obgyn.net) by fensende.com (8.9.1a/8.9.1) id KAA00382; Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:36:37 -0800 (PST) List-Admin: anonymous@obgyn.net (subscribe/unsubscribe requests) Errors-To: owner-doula@fensende.com Originator: anonymous@obgyn.net Received: from cookie.donet.com (cookie.donet.com [205.133.113.3]) by fensende.com (8.9.1a/8.9.1) with ESMTP id KAA00375 for <doula@fensende.com>; Tue, 5 Jan 1999 10:36:34 -0800 (PST) Received: from alura (pm02-s34.donet.com [198.30.201.98]) by cookie.donet.com (8.9.1/8.9.1) with SMTP id NAA01723 for <doula@fensende.com>; Tue, 5 Jan 1999 13:59:54 -0500 Date: Tue, 5 Jan 1999 13:59:54 -0500 Message-Id: <199901051859.NAA01723@cookie.donet.com> X-Sender: anonymous@obgyn.net X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Light Version 1.5.2 To: anonymous@obgyn.net From: Laura <anonymous@obgyn.net> Subject: DL: Off topic:Parenthood funny Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit

>^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>
> Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books
> and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
> parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience
> of being a mother or father.
>
> 1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and
> stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine
> months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.
>
> 2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip
> the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist
> to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your
> salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the
> paper and read it for the last time.
>
> 3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who
> are already parents and berate them about their methods of
> discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and
> how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in
> which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
> training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it--it's the
> last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
>
> 4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room
> from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
> pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and
> go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again
> with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go
> back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am.
> Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the
> dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.
> Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
>
> 5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
> butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick
> behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your
> fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover
> the stains with crayons. There, how does that look?
>
> 6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy
> an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the
> string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for
> this: all moring.
>
> 7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of
> paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube.
> Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a
> Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and
> an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the
> Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place
> on the play group committee.
>
> 8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don't think you can
> leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
> don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in
> the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in
> the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies.
> Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides
> of the car. There! Perfect!
>
> 9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.
> Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out
> again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down
> it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to
> inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum,
> dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.
> Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the
> neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the
> house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for
> a walk.
>
> 10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your
> local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
> to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you
> intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
> your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
> Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
> accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
>
> 11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
> from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of
> soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
> pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot
> Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot
> of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old
> child.
>
> 12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street,
> and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, "I love you,
> you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!
>

--part0_917024470_boundary--

• Next message: Jas: "Re: ATTN SHOUP Thank You to all the wonderful OBGYN.net Drs."
• Previous message: art fougner, md: "Re: Embryonic Heart Rate @ 8 Weeks"