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Re: How To Break The News!!!From: anonymous (anonymous@obgyn.net)Mon, 28 Oct 2002 15:05:15 -0600 (CST)
It depends on why you feel he needs to know, where you really see the relationship going, and what kind of guy he is. It sounds like a relationship with potential but not doing so great just now. I had a lot of trouble telling my husband about PCOS so I understand your nervousness. My story - and I do tend to ramble - is, I knew something wasn't right with me for a LONG time. I went years going the round of doctors who told me it was normal to have irregular periods, just take these birth control pills, some women are hairier than others... I was afraid I couldn't have kids when I was older, but not sure. I was certain I had facial hair that was embarrassing and NOT normal. Ugh. So one August, I meet a guy at a party, and he's really cute, and I spend the next year lusting after him and becoming really good friends with his room mate so I had an excuse to see him and hang out with him without people (him included) suspecting I liked him. Some point during this year, the following summer, let's say I was in college, let's say I experimented with my fair share of substances, let's say fifteen or so of us were laying in the grass in a park and every one was touching everyone else and he reached over and started stroking my face... which was nice... then my chin... which sent me into a panic. I was torn between "The guy I like is touching me!" and "The guy I like is going to feel my chin stubble!" I tried and tried to read the reaction in his face and couldn't... Sometime during this summer, I learned of PCOS. I KNEW that was my problem. I went to my doc and rather than saying "You tell me what's wrong" I said "Test me for this!" So he ran some tests... and I knew all about PCOS by then, what it really meant, that my fear concerning kids was real... but OK, there was a small chance I didn't have it, right? (Suuuuure... heh) September 5, shortly before my 2:30 PM class, the boy and I have a talk and admit we like each other and we want to try dating. I am on cloud nine. Some time shortly after my 2:30, I am checking email, still in that delerious new relationship state of mind, and my cell phone rings, and it's my doctor, and my test results are in, and yeah, I have PCOS. So, here I am, torn between "I have a new boyfriend and he's the nicest guy ever!" and "I have PCOS and can't have kids so what right do I have to be dating anyone?" I mean, it was awful that it happened that way... Well, we dated for a little while. I felt, it wasn't quite right, but who knows, maybe it will just be another month long relationship anyway... maybe it doesn't matter. All that mattered, really, was my gross excess of hair, then. Oh, and then, I went on spironalactone to control the hair, which made me bleed, so I found myself faced with two problems. We started sleeping together. I was stubbly, and I was bleeding all over his sheets. Sorry to be graphic. After three weeks of constant flow, I couldn't say it was my period. So I had to tell him. I'm a wimp. I told him in an email. I said, you know, I used to have an eating disorder, and (this is just my theory, mind you) I'm really pretty much over it, but I think it's really damaged me... my hormones are still all screwed up, so I'm kind of really hairy, and my periods are really screwed up, and now I am on this medication that is supposed to help with the hair, but it's making me bleed all the time, and I feel really disgusting about this, BUT... His response was, I didn't realise the amount of hair you had was unusual. We can wash the sheets. And, he told me he wanted to come over to his place then because he felt the only appropriate response was to take me in his arms and tell me he loved me. In other words, the response was favorable. I told him what I felt was immediately relevent, and it didn't bother him. I am not saying that ALL guys will respond like this... but by then I had a feeling, you know, he's a really great guy, I don't think he's like the last schmoe I dated, I think he can handle it... and he could. (And I went off the spiro, and we bought new sheets...) It wasn't until later when being together long term started to come up that I brought up the issue of having kids. And again, I was a wimp. It took a lot of beer to give me the courage to bring THAT up. I told him how I really loved him, and he was the nicest guy I had ever been with, but I had this fear... I just felt maybe he was wasting his time... maybe I couldn't have kids... and he said "I've realised that for a while..." I guess guys aren't all idiots, I guess there are some who can see that irregular periods might mean sub-fertility... I don't know... but he already sort of realised it, and he said not to worry about it, if we have to we can do whatever it takes, if I really think having kids is that important... Well, in conclusion, we're married now, so obviously my PCOS didn't run him off. BUT the thing is, I have dated a number of guys, and although this was the first guy I dated with knowledge that i had a real, namable condition... I have known something was wrong since I was 15. But never once did I mention it. Even with my one really serious bf, we dated for over a year - ages when you're young, heh - and we talked about marriage and kids... and I never once mentioned my fear. And I was scrupulous about hair removal with him, so he never suspected THAT. This has been the first guy I am comfortable with about myself... and I think that's important. You don't NEED to tell every potential boyfriend, or actual boyfriend... there might be no reason. It might, in the long run, not matter... So all you can really do, is think about what apsects are really important RIGHT now, are you sure you are comfortable telling this guy, are you sure these things will matter to him... And, well, know that you are not the first person to have to do this. I know that doesn't make it any easier... not really... but keep it in mind all the same. Best of luck with this! I am sorry I went on so long but I wanted you to know my experience, not to just say "I've been there, too." If you search the archives a ways back... maybe 2000... you'll find my own "How to I tell my bf?" posts, heh. - jodi
At Thu, 24 Oct 2002, Lorea wrote:
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