PCOS Messages for October, 2002: Re: Advice for Barb

Re: Advice for Barb

From: Barb (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Thu, 10 Oct 2002 23:56:41 -0500 (CDT)

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Dear Amy,

I will try to answer as I go along and read what you have written...panicy moment again!or shall I say day!:0) >
>Dear Barb,
>
>Gees, I wish I had the answers (and easy answers, please!) to the complications of our lives. In thinking it over, some questions occurred to me. Were I in the same situation, I might ask myself....
>
>1) What was it that attracted me to my first two husbands? Was there any particular key quality that was so attractive about them to me that it made it hard to see any potential warning signs about their tendencies to abuse?
>

They were both incredibly different.My first husband was blonde and German and suave and a smooth talker.I was particularily drawn to his good looks and charisma and that he was fun to be with at first.I was only in the relationship for a very short time(married and divorced within a little over a year),at a young age...well 21 isn't that young,but I seemed to know this was definite abuse when someone starts to smack you out of the blue.I just left.

Second husband was Portuguese....really exotic looking and very calm and quiet and I was not sure I wanted to marry him as he was too quiet and I loved a good time.We were never friends,but had a very good sex life.I think it was the sex thing at the beginning that I was drawn to.He became quite controlling after about three years into our marriage when he hated my careers that kept me doing some travelling,but he did travel too as he owned and operated a construction company.I think back now that he always suspected I was cheating,because he probably was.I never did although always had opportunities. He was the biggest cammelion ever.Like the devil in sheeps clothing...not quiet,rather a temper that could make anyone shun away and be frightened. Both husbands were COMPLETELY different personalities.Although both wanted control.

>2) If there was any particular quality, does this new man possess the same incredibly attractive quality? (I'd just want to know if I was on the verge of making the same mistake a third time and why.)

Hmmmm,I have been thinking and thinking and NO...absolutely not....he is not suave nor quiet...he is himself and I like his personality more than anything else.,I love his honesty and since both my parents knew him...I knew him kinda when I was a little younger and always thought he was very funny.I got to know him on a more personal level when I first started to see him for some of my problems back in 1997 after my car accident and also in 1985 after my first car accident for therapy. I did realize that he was attracted to me back then.I loved going to him as he always had a keen way of making me laugh and making me think that things were not as bad as they seemed to me. He seems like a nurturing fellow and I see the way he handles his patients and is a very sincere man.I see certain qualities in him that I seen in my dad.My dad was always a very good father and very nurturing(we don't talk now since him and my mom divorced..long story).My dad took care of my mom when she was very ill with teeth problems for three years.She had some tic de la roo...(SP) and severe head pains.....I seen my dad care for my mom and make sure she got taken care of.My mom was one lucky lady to have my dad beside her all the way through thick and thin.I don't think she would have been here today if it weren't for my dad's persistance with doctors here that there was something more to my mom's head pains than this tic de la roo or whatever.She had several different neurological diagnosis back then,but she kept saying she KNEW it was her teeth...got them all out within a week and her head pains never returned. She was also suicidal then too as she lived on codeine and different medications for chronic pain. I seen my mom go through hell for three years,but had a husband that supported her all the way.I see this in(lets just call him Dav).

>
>Other thoughts that occurred to me were pretty conflicting. Like on the one hand, I wouldn't want to make any major decisions while I was so sick. On the other hand, how much of being sick might be due to the insidious stress of being stuck in a one-down abusive relationship?
>

Ditto there.....I know my illness is not going to get better just overnight..but the constant stress may have caused many complications.When one is sick and then abused on top of it...it is a vicious circle. I really don't want to be in a relationship when I feel I cannot give as much as he can.I am always and always have been a very giving person.This is where I feel he will be losing out.No..he is not an abuser...I know his first wife very well and he was a terrific husband and they parted as they just drew apart as she says and he says..Honesty there...he said they had nothing in common anymore.

>It must be so tempting when you're so sick to go towards the one who promises to take care of you. On the other hand, you mention that you feel a safety with him that you have never felt in your life...you feel protected and cared for and secure. I can't help wonder if you might be needing the kind of love that a parent is supposed to give a child. If you weren't loved well by your own parents, you might be trying to fill that void. Because you are so sick at this time, and sickness tends to make one dependent, the lines get blurred. Under ideal conditions, it wouldn't be the best state of mind to be in when you're considering a partnership of any kind.
>

True in a way.I guess I feel betrayed by my dad who could not handle me being so ill and his new girlfriend hating me.My dad just left my life and I still wonder why.I was told he could not handle seeing his only child in the hospital,yet,I hear that it has more to do with his girlfriend and I feel I do need someone to nurture me now...I was always the nurturing type and feel I now need someone to depend on,although I don't like being dependant,,but need to feel taken care of at this particular time.I am just utterly stressed and confused.I was always the STRONG type and now I am WEAK and I have to come to terms that I need someone...that is what Dave says I am doing...pretending I am well when I am not,and pushing him away because I still want some control over my life and he said he won't take that away,rather help me gain more back... Make sense?

>Then again, life isn't always ideal and sometimes you need to "cut and take your losses" as they say. Worst case scenario: It turns out he isn't as great as he seems and you're stuck in yet another abusive relationship, which would be all the more damaging because of your weakened state. Or second worst: When you get better, you end up feeling like a permanent child in the relationship, and you feel stuck with someone whose most familiar role is to nurture and parent.
>

Very good point and I will never know till I have been in a relationship.I just would like a good friendship for now,as that is really all I can give...but he says that is okay and that is where I get confused...

>Of course, the best possible scenario is that this man helps you to get the medical attention you need, you get better, and he is able to move into being your equal partner (because he loves you and has been rewarded and fulfilled by helping you to get better), and the two of you go on to share a beautiful life together.
>

Yep..this is what he said...he said he would get fullfilled by getting me back to being the Barbara that he once knew and it would be like the Pretty Woman story where he comes and rescues me and says he has been trying to tell me that for years now...thinking again...hmmmmm

>I'll continue to include you in my prayers!
>

I will continue to include you and yours in my prayers as well.

Thanks so much Amy,,,you've opened my eyes a bit more.

Barb, Big hugs >Amy R.

--
Sincerely,
Barb C.

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