PCOS Messages for October, 2002: Re: Advice for Barb

Re: Advice for Barb

From: amyr (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Thu, 10 Oct 2002 23:44:27 -0400

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Dear Barb,

Gees, I wish I had the answers (and easy answers, please!) to the complications of our lives. In thinking it over, some questions occurred to me. Were I in the same situation, I might ask myself....

1) What was it that attracted me to my first two husbands? Was there any particular key quality that was so attractive about them to me that it made it hard to see any potential warning signs about their tendencies to abuse?

2) If there was any particular quality, does this new man possess the same incredibly attractive quality? (I'd just want to know if I was on the verge of making the same mistake a third time and why.)

Other thoughts that occurred to me were pretty conflicting. Like on the one hand, I wouldn't want to make any major decisions while I was so sick. On the other hand, how much of being sick might be due to the insidious stress of being stuck in a one-down abusive relationship?

It must be so tempting when you're so sick to go towards the one who promises to take care of you. On the other hand, you mention that you feel a safety with him that you have never felt in your life...you feel protected and cared for and secure. I can't help wonder if you might be needing the kind of love that a parent is supposed to give a child. If you weren't loved well by your own parents, you might be trying to fill that void. Because you are so sick at this time, and sickness tends to make one dependent, the lines get blurred. Under ideal conditions, it wouldn't be the best state of mind to be in when you're considering a partnership of any kind.

Then again, life isn't always ideal and sometimes you need to "cut and take your losses" as they say. Worst case scenario: It turns out he isn't as great as he seems and you're stuck in yet another abusive relationship, which would be all the more damaging because of your weakened state. Or second worst: When you get better, you end up feeling like a permanent child in the relationship, and you feel stuck with someone whose most familiar role is to nurture and parent.

Of course, the best possible scenario is that this man helps you to get the medical attention you need, you get better, and he is able to move into being your equal partner (because he loves you and has been rewarded and fulfilled by helping you to get better), and the two of you go on to share a beautiful life together.

I'll continue to include you in my prayers!

Amy R.

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