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Re: need advice for girlfriend
From: anonymous (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Thu, 10 Oct 2002 11:53:42 -0500 (CDT)
J,
I have high testosterone with very low female hormones and I have to
tell you sometimes I can barely use my head. I am also married and I
love my husband dearly. I would not trade him for the world. My sexual
desires are sometimes too much for me to bare. My husband does not
complain. On days when he is not home I almost go insane from desire. I
think that every person is different, although I do think that you have
to take personal responsibility for your actions. I am just saying that
maybe her hormones were driving her crazy and in a couple moments of
weakness she gave in. I do not condone what she has done, I just think
she deserves a bit of sympathy. It can be very stressful and if you are
not up to the task... overwhelming.
At Wed, 9 Oct 2002, anonymous wrote:
>
>At Wed, 9 Oct 2002, J wrote:
>>oh my god i could not belive this when i read it, i suffer from pcos and i am a married women i would never in my wildest dreams do such a thing it sounds to me like your girlfriend has a self esteem problem, where she needs to find reasurance in other men. i strongly suggest you either tell her this casual sex with other men is not on or get the hell out of there, she is telling you she is changing because she knows you will take it in you seem quite taken with her, belive me there are other women in the world who would give you a dam site more respect then that,if her heart was with you then she would be unable to let anyone in your space always remmember that.
>>Jenn:
>>
>>It's not a problem; you're under no obligation to answer anything that
>>makes you uncomfortable. I was hesitant to ask in the first place.
>>Perhaps you gathered that from the tone of my message. Anyway, good
>>luck with your own situation. All the best.
>>
>>--
>>J
>>
>>At Wed, 9 Oct 2002, Nif wrote:
>>>
>>>j,
>>>I apologize for starting something I can't finish but I have to be
>>>honest and say I am not comfortable in the direction this is heading.
>>>All I can say is that when I got my hormones under control, it made a
>>>huge difference in how I felt. Best of luck to you and your girlfriend.
>>>--Jenn
>>>
>>>At Wed, 9 Oct 2002, J wrote:
>>>>
>>>>Jenn:
>>>>
>>>>This question is of a personal nature, so if you don't feel comfortable
>>>>posting the reply on the site, you may e-mail me at rayj629@yahoo.com
>>>>During that month you and your husband were separated (or beforehand),
>>>>were you driven to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere (perhaps with that
>>>>man)? It makes a difference, because I think dealing with emotional
>>>>issues and keeping it from translating into action is on a whole
>>>>different level from actually sating the desires.
>>>>
>>>>Thanks.
>>>>
>>>>--
>>>>J
>>>>
>>>>At Tue, 8 Oct 2002, Jenn wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>Hey J,
>>>>>I too went "crazy" right at the begining of my PCOS diagnosis...before I
>>>>>really knew how to control it. My moods and hormones were all over the place
>>>>>and I really felt like I was losing it. I was horny ALL THE TIME (sorry--but
>>>>>it's true). I usually have a high sex drive but this was rediculous. To top
>>>>>it off I started seeing a whole bunch of faults with my husband, which led
>>>>>to me getting too close (emotionally) with another man. Eventually, I asked
>>>>>my husband to move out. We stayed separated for a month at which time I was
>>>>>put on meds and regained control. I'm not using PCOS as a reason for my
>>>>>behavior yet the simple fact that if a person's hormones are out of balance
>>>>>she will be out of balance. Please encourage you girlfriend to get some
>>>>>medical help. It may make a world of difference.
>>>>>--Nif
>>>>>-----Original Message-----
>>>>>From: J <anonymous@obgyn.net>
>>>>>To: Multiple recipients of list PCOS <anonymous@obgyn.net>
>>>>>Date: Tuesday, October 08, 2002 5:38 AM
>>>>>Subject: Re: need advice for girlfriend
>>>>>
>>>>>>Kimberly:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Thanks for your advice. BTW, she only cheated on me twice, with the
>>>>>>same guy. I was inattentive in the extreme at the time, going through
>>>>>>some personal issues. All the other guys were after we broke up.
>>>>>>Granted, she and I were intimate at various times during this period,
>>>>>>but I had left her and moved across the country to the Pacific region
>>>>>>for law school. Therefore, I was not around to quench her desires. She
>>>>>>had no obligation to me, so I don't fault her for those latter
>>>>>>experiences. It was her right and choice as a free agent, right or
>>>>>>wrong.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Of course I realize that high testosterone does not control or mandate
>>>>>>one's behavior. My message was to inquire as to whether it could be a
>>>>>>contributing factor in her choices. I do believe she's responsible for
>>>>>>them. Having said that, she was faithful to me for a year and a half
>>>>>>after that brief cheating period until I left her, and since we've
>>>>>>gotten back together, has been faithful since (five months). I don't
>>>>>>doubt her because she's been so forthcoming with her activities.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I understand there's a certain risk involved in being with someone with
>>>>>>such a high sex drive and recent history of promiscuity. Nevertheless,
>>>>>>her behavior for the vast majority of the time we've been together (four
>>>>>>years before she ever cheated) leads me to believe she is an acceptable
>>>>>>risk.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I try to be a good Christian (not always successful), and I feel a
>>>>>>calling in my life to support and nurture her, and to love her with all
>>>>>>my heart. No one is perfect, but she's been incredibly good to me 99
>>>>>>percent of our time together. I can name a period in which I was not
>>>>>>good to her. While that doesn't excuse her, it makes what she did
>>>>>>understandable.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Please respond and let me know if you feel differently after reading my
>>>>>>reply. Anyone else is free to answer this message.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Take care,
>>>>>>
>>>>>>J
>>>>>>
>>>>>>At Sun, 6 Oct 2002, Kimberly wrote:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>If you are trying to look for a reason for your girlfriends promiscuity,
>>>>>>>you won't find it here. That is completely her choice, or her
>>>>>>>dysfunction. SOME women have increased sex drive with PCOS (although it
>>>>>>>seems just as many, if not more, have little to no sex drive). I would
>>>>>>>assume you would have been willing to quench her desires, but she didn't
>>>>>>>want that - she wanted to have multiple experiences with multiple
>>>>>>>partners and she went out and got it. With an increased sex drive, I
>>>>>>>would imagine any sex or sexual contact at all would be sufficient - if
>>>>>>>you were around to give it to her, then it makes no sense that she would
>>>>>>>go elsewhere simply because of increased sex drive or horomonal
>>>>>>>imbalance. She went elsewhere because she seems to have some sort of
>>>>>>>emotional/pychological problem and is perhaps having self-destructive
>>>>>>>tendancies.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>It does sound as if she is having symptoms of PCOS possibly, they are
>>>>>>>probably becoming more obvious simply because she is aging. There are
>>>>>>>also other things that could be causing her symptoms- such as simple
>>>>>>>genetics. If she is interested in finding out if she may have pcos, a
>>>>>>>simple visit to an endocrinologist will most likely do the trick.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>I'm sorry, but I have to say quite clearly that it sounds as if you are
>>>>>>>desperately looking for some answer to her behavior - but you are simply
>>>>>>>looking in the wrong place. PCOS can be easily treated, phsycological
>>>>>>>issues are much deeper and require a great amount of personal desire to
>>>>>>>overcome. You sound as if you are interested in overcoming her issues,
>>>>>>>but is she? Is this the kind of woman you would like to raise children
>>>>>>>with? Is she someone you will want to give half your possesions to when
>>>>>>>she decides she wants to have more exciting sex with someone else and
>>>>>>>leaves you? Will you be able to handle her infidelity after believing a
>>>>>>>wedding band means you can trust her?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>There is no amount of elevated testosterone that can cause someone to
>>>>>>>have casual sex with strangers and whomever...pcos or not, you must be
>>>>>>>honest with yourself that getting involved with someone who is missing a
>>>>>>>big part of herself and trying to find it in others and in sexual
>>>>>>>pleasure is a big decision. You can't give her what she needs, only she
>>>>>>>can do that. If she seems to seriously want to get better, then stand
>>>>>>>behind her and do whatever you can to help her. If she is not aggresive
>>>>>>>about changing, then for heaven's sake get yourself out of this quick.
>>>>>>>Marriage is hard, even when you are married to an angel. Life is long
>>>>>>>and painful - even when you have all your material needs met, and most
>>>>>>>of your emotional needs met. Don't think for a minute that insulin
>>>>>>>sensitizing medication is all that is needed to 'fix' her. You are
>>>>>>>venturing down a very long road if you decide to stick this out.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>I am gathering from your message that this is exactly what you needed
>>>>>>>and wanted to hear, because you know in your heart that it is true. It's
>>>>>>>just hard to see things when you love someone.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>Take your time. :)
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>At Sat, 5 Oct 2002, J wrote:
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>Subj: Need advice for girlfriend
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>I apologize in advance for posting on a women’s website. For the past
>>>>>>>>four years, my girlfriend has been experiencing a number of
>>>>>>>>physiological and mental changes, and exhibiting behavioral changes.
>>>>>>>>About four years ago, in a moment of intimacy with her, for the first
>>>>>>>>time I noticed a narrow trail of black hairs stretching from her private
>>>>>>>>region to her navel. Not long afterward, she cheated on me (oral sex,
>>>>>>>>though at the time she downplayed it as less) out of lust, so she said.
>>>>>>>>Now she was raised Orthodox Christian, so this was unusual behavior for
>>>>>>>>her. We broke up, and she began having more and more casual sex. She
>>>>>>>>would call me all teary, telling me she was changing, and was afraid
>>>>>>>>that I wouldn’t love her anymore because of what she was doing. That’s
>>>>>>>>how I knew about the sex. When I was in law school in Arizona last
>>>>>>>>year, she visited me. We were intimate for a week, and during this time
>>>>>>>>I noticed that her belly had become *much* hairier, about an inch-wide
>>>>>>>>band of thick black hair, getting wider at the bottom and stretching
>>>>>>>>several inches above her belly button as well. She was also far more
>>>>>>>>aggressive in bed than I’d remembered, with an incredible sex drive. On
>>>>>>>>the evening of the day she flew home after seeing me, she had oral sex
>>>>>>>>with a guy she barely knew at a party. I didn’t mind since we weren’t
>>>>>>>>dating any more. She confessed that she felt out of control, and had
>>>>>>>>just glutted her desires. She said she had been too lustful in the past
>>>>>>>>year, which is when she told me about the multiple partners. She also
>>>>>>>>recommended I see the movie “Chasing Amy” (!). It was a good flick,
>>>>>>>>btw.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>Now, six months later, we are back together after a long time apart.
>>>>>>>>I’ve realized that despite our flaws, we are meant to be together. Her
>>>>>>>>hair is thinning, and she’s now getting adult acne, which she didn’t
>>>>>>>>have before. Her periods occur like clockwork, but are often intense.
>>>>>>>>She has no facial hair of which I am aware. Of course, her “treasure
>>>>>>>>trail” is denser and wider than it’s ever been before. I don’t mind
>>>>>>>>this; I find it incredibly sexy, but that’s a different issue. We are
>>>>>>>>both 25.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>Here’s the advice I need. Based on what I’ve written, do any of you
>>>>>>>>think it’s possible she has naturally high testosterone, or that her
>>>>>>>>levels have been increasing? I don’t think she has PCOS because of her
>>>>>>>>period regularity, but I could be wrong. I’m not a woman. Obviously,
>>>>>>>>the best advice you could give me would be based on your own
>>>>>>>>experiences, possibly similar to hers.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>Please help.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>--
>>>>>>>>J
>>>>>>>>
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