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Re: Ladies..for encouragement ...can you please tell me your LOVEFrom: amyr (anonymous@obgyn.net)Wed, 9 Oct 2002 16:13:15 -0400
In my early single years, my weight was always bouncing up and down, and I regret to say that for a long time I was thin; but it was due to purging. When I did reduce the purging, I always gained weight and always got negative but well meaning comments from family and friends; and yes, boyfriends have broken up with me because they became embarrassed by me, particularly after I began trying in earnest to stop the purging. My weight would go up faster during a particularly lonely time, and my parents would tell me that if I really wanted to meet a wonderful guy I would have to lose weight because "it's just a natural part of life that a man is initially attracted by a woman's figure." For whatever reason (I now know it was my PCOS-related insulin-resistance), I just couldn't get my weight under control without purging. Ultimately, the stress of keeping up appearances took its toll. My health was in serious jeopardy, I harbored an incredibly painful self hatred, and I wasn't anywhere near feeling like I could fall in love, even if Mr. Wonderful did come along. That was the blackest of times. Eventually, I hooked up with a therapist because therapy promised relief from the intense emotional pain I was in, and I dealt with my extreme perfectionism, resolved the immense store of bottled up anger that I held within me, and worked to understand how I had developed such a huge disregard for my own self and any genuine feeling that bubbled up within me. It wasn't until much later that I learned I also had a physical component contributing to my trouble with food and weight issues, and that it was that (PCOS) that also caused my excess hair growth, something that had played into my feelings of self hatred over the years as well. As I made a serious effort to stop purging and regain my health, I got fatter and and fatter! I endured intense criticism from my family. I struggled with feelings of extreme loneliness and isolation. What I came to terms with, however, was that while other people's criticism and rejection were quite painful to me, I was already extremely sensitized because I had been doing exactly that to my own self. I realized that I was most lonely from my own lack of self acceptance and most significantly isolated from my own true self. Anyway, it's been a long time that I have been rebuilding my life, and yes, rebuilding it FAT! I had always thought that if people saw me fat they'd think, "Wow, does she ever not have it together!" Well, I am now engaged to a man whose first thought about me was, "Wow, does she ever have it together!" I can't say that I have it together in the way I used to think "having it together" meant, but I am happy, most of the time. I can love, and laugh, and cry, and get angry when I feel it. I honor myself and feel positive about my strengths and I work on my weaknesses. I want to improve myself, increase my patience and love for myself and other people. And yes, I want to lose some of this weight, not because I fear rejection, but because I want to be as healthy as I can be. These things can get complicated at times, but they're goals I'm happy to have for myself. By the way, I met my guy on the internet, just like Sonnet. We corresponded with email for about three months and had a ball, then we exchanged pictures.... When we finally met, talk about hormones going into shock! He thought I was beautiful and smart and "together" ; ) and the way he looked at me just made me melt! He decided to move closer so that we could date, and the rest is history! I feel so comfortable around him because I know he loves me and values me, inside and out. He has a good understanding of PCOS and so the hair growth is really a non-issue. He just sees it as a complication to an illness; actually, sometimes he'll poke a bit of humor at it...say things like, well, time for us to shower and shave! But it's all in good fun. He tries to help in any way he can, for instance, he gets up before I do and brings me a protein shake in bed just to get my blood sugar off to a good start. We always want to make each other feel good and even when there are hurts, or when old baggage rears its ugly head...we are both committed to making it right again, no matter what it takes. I feel that I have found a man who challenges me in the ways I need challenging but who also loves and honors me the way a man should love a woman. Plus, ; ) sexual chemistry is awesome. I never knew I could be so happy. Amy R.
At Mon, 7 Oct 2002, anonymous wrote:
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