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Re: Miscarraige, 'insufficiency', stupid people, etc- another Valerie rant (sorry, long)
From: anonymous@obgyn.net
Fri, 30 Aug 2002 20:23:04 -0500 (CDT)
Dear Valerie,
so sorry to hear this and what you are going through. People who
haven't gone through it really can't understand. Grieve as necessary.
This is a big loss. However, on a positive note, I would bet that you
can get prenant again - the atkins diet is really working for you....
and the weight loss etc - and the reason you got pregnant is that things
are going right for your body - and it has only been 4 months so far.
Really! Could you get a stock of progesterone (with full instructions,
of course) on standby so that if you even suspect you are pregnant again
you can use it immediately.
Very best wishes to you and your family.
Sally
At Fri, 30 Aug 2002, Valerie wrote:
>
>UGH!
>
>So I have been doing the Atkins diet since early May, and have lost 30
>pounds and have gotten regular periods starting between the 13th and the
>15th of each month, except for Augusts cycle...
>
>On the 17th, after having not gotten my period, I took a pg test, fully
>expecting to be mocked by the stark white stick yet again... and then
>it came up positive (faintly positive, but positive) so I decided to
>take it easy and try not to worry because no one would hear my
>progesterone pleas on a Saturday...
>
>I couldn't believe it... I had had a miscarraige in 1999, and abandoned
>all birth control for the past 3.5 years or so, so this was amazing...
>
>Then 3 hours later I began to pour blood and I knew it was over... I
>called my insurance company medical referral people who need to approve
>weekend care... he said "this kind of thing happens everyday, don't
>even think twice about it." G-d, why are people so hard and
>callous?!?!?! This kind of thing DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME EVERYDAY! I
>called my doctor on Monday as instructed, and the nurse said I had to
>come in for an ultrasound for the purpose of verifying "all debris had
>been expelled." Do people ever stop to realize what they are saying?!?!
>Debris is trash or waste- this was my baby! When someting is expelled,
>it sounds to be a willful thing, expelled carries that power of
>propelled and words that sits in the like. My appointment was scheduled
>for the 28th.
>
>I went to work- there was no physical pain- and I had originally planned
>to just keep it under my hat... my boss saw me walk by her office 5
>minutes after I arrived and she cornered me to see what was wrong... I
>told her and I cried, and then I left her office under the assumption I
>would tell no one... that idea did not last... I feel the need to tell
>everyone who will listen, because I feel as if I should be wearing a big
>badge that says "I AM BROKEN, THOUGH I LOOK FINE," maybe if I had such a
>badge people would stop saying stupid things? I am sick of hearing how I
>can just get pg again and have fun trying! What the hell is this
>assumption from?!?!
>
>I had to go out of town on business for most of the last week, so I
>stopped off to grab scrapbooking supplies from my dealer so I would be
>able to keep busy while alone in my room at night... I told my
>scrapbook dealer about the miscarriage and she said "oh, gee, and people
>like me just whisper the word pg and end up in labor and delivery, last
>time with twins!" G-d, did she really think I needed to know that?!?!?!
>I left with my supplies and a compounded feeling of inadequacy... I
>HATE THAT I CANNOT DO WHAT IT SEEMS MOST EVERY OTHER WOMAN CAN DO BY
>JUST LAYING ON HER BACK!
>
>I went out of town... and struggled with the absence of feeling... I
>think I would have felt better if there had been immense physical pain
>or mutilation, I almost feel guilty for not physically feeling my
>loss... I guess it takes time to let it all set in... the first week
>was realtively tearless... but the morning sickness that continues
>while my hormones settle back down is horrible, I wish I could believe
>it was a flu, because it screws with my mind like you would not believe.
>
>I came back to town and went to see my doctor- they forgot me in the
>waiting room and I waited for an hour watching all he pg women go in and
>out, some of them even pushing strollers with their last baby still
>cooing and gurgling... and I watched the cheery couple waiting for
>their first ultrasound- I hated her and I couldn't control it... did
>she really think we all needed to hear about how she hoped her baby got
>her husbands eyes and her hair? I don't care what she names it... and I
>certainly don't care that she got pg on her honeymoon!
>
>When I was walking to the ultrasound room there was a girl coming out
>who was talking with her doctor and the doctor said that the ultrasound
>was very promising considering that her baby would likely arrive the
>week of her 15th birthday- I hated her too... G-d this has been cruel.
>
>Deep down I knew that the ultrasound would show nothing, but when the
>doctor said he saw nothing it set in and it hurt so badly. I asked him
>what we could do differently next time because I had only been pg just
>long enough to find out and lose it... he said Clomid was the only way
>he could see this coming out as I want it... I am still too chicken-
>10% risk of multiple births! Why can't nature take its course for me! I,
>afterall, have gotten regular cycles on my own because of my diet! Why
>is there always another obstacle! He suggested that if I really waned to
>try this way that I get a fertility monitor to see if I am actually
>ovulating regularly- but then he reminded me that I am in all likelihood
>"insufficient" in that I don't prepare my eggs well so they won't
>take... It was bad enough to know I DON'T MAKE ENOUGH PROGESTERONE, but
>to hear the whole equation ana actually be known as INSUFFICIENT! What a
>blow... the word "insufficient" just really says it all... at a time
>like this I feel insufficient as a woman and wife...
>
>I am tired of people telling me I have years to accomplish a full-term
>pg, it's pretty clear my bio clock is already clicking on borrowed
>time... I hate people who say how easy it is to get pg! I hate people
>who say stupid shit... I am tired of hearing that I was "barely pg" or
>that "it wasn't really a baby yet!"
>
>I love my husband dearly, but I cornered him to see why he hadn't been
>crushed like me... he said he had saved himself by not being excited
>about something that just won't make it... I know he meant only to be
>honest, to protect himself and not to hurt me, but I truly felt like a
>bad wife...
>
>My mother told me she had told my uncle about the miscarraige... I
>asked her why... she said not to take it the wrong way, but I had lost
>her first grandchild... HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT!?!?
>
>I am sorry this was so long, I have yet to speak to anyone who really
>understands, and I needed to get some of this baggage off my chest
>before I suffocated in it... I wish there was a PCOS group in my area,
>I need people like me...
>
>--
>Valerie
>
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