Re: GET OUT NOW!!! Husband getting abusive because I am sick and I don't know if I
From: Lindsey (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Fri, 30 Aug 2002 20:02:52 -0500 (CDT)
Hi Barb,
I just read all the pain, stress and horror that are your life. Get out
now but be smart about it as much as you can (i.e., money, possesions,
restraing orders, documentation of his abuse-pictures are really good to
have of any physical damage he might do, satements from friend or
relatives who have seen abusive behavior, etc.). You are already
thinking along these lines. That is good!
The advice that the others have given you is right on the money. You
are just so close to the problem that you cannot see it in all of its
sick, dysfuction, abusive reality. NO ONE, AND I MEAN NO ONE, ever has
the right to belittle and demean a person as much as he has you-GET
ANGRY! How dare your husband ever treat you or any other women as he has
you! YOU are important and have the right to be treated with
consideration, respect, without physical or emotional abuse JUST BECAUSE
YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING. It does not matter what you look like, how much
or little money you have, or how unlovable, pathetic, or any other
negative thing you think you might be deep inside. You are so much
stronger than you have given yourself any credit for-look at how long
you have existed in the current stressful situation! You have no where
to go but up-you are at the bottom right now and unless you start to do
something about where you are, things will not change and he will do
EVERYTHING in his power to make sure that they do not. You are
smart-you are starting to see what he is doing and why and how you fit
in as a co-dependant enabler in this horror you call a marriage. If
what I have written to you has not made you pissed, realize that you
deserve better than this, and that you are not going to take it anymore,
then you will continue your downward spiral with him until you realize
that you have become NOTHING-you do not know who you are, what your
boundaries are, what is and is not acceptable to you, what makes you
happy, what give you pleasure, and that you are an empty shell of a
human being. Or he will end up seriously hurting you if not killing you
via his hand or through the stress he puts on you. Once you have hit
bottom you will realize that NOTHING he could do to you could possibly
make you feel any worse than you already do...then you will decide to
try to fight your way out as you will realize you have nothing to lose.
I speak from experience from having an emotionally abusive co-dependant
relationship for 5 yrs. I finally sought counseling as I wanted to find
out why I stayed, why did I put up with the abuse, what part did I play
in this dysfunctional relationship as I NEVER wanted to do it again or
find another man like him. See, we can only choose from what we know
and were brought up with. If your were not valued, made to feel
important, given respect or treated with consideration by your father,
how could you possibly be expected to pick anything other than someone
who would treat you in the same way as a mate? WE SEEK WHAT WE KNOW. If
we do not know any other way (i.e., the healthly, functional, mutually
beneficial relationship) there is no way we can expect to know and
understand how to create such a relationship. But therapy can teach you
to break the dysfunctional behaviors and thoughts and show you what you
are worth and what you deserve. And believe me, once you realize this
you will NEVER go back and settle for anything less than you deserve.
And you will not be lonely as you might think. You will have come to
LIkE yourself so much, that you do not feel alone or lonely spending
time with you.
I hope I have managed to help, even if it is only in some little way. I
know that you are in the most difficult part of your life and how
incredibly stressful it can be in that space. I recommend that you read
a couple of books which may help you see what is going on and give you
strength. 1) The Cinderella Complex-sorry can't remember author, and 2)
You Just Do Not Understand by Dr. Deborah Tanen-about how women and men
communicate completely different and how to understand this and be able
to effectively communicate with the opposite sex. It will also give a
big insight to your husband and why he does and says the things he does.
Also, go to a women's support group for co-dependants, victims of abuse,
AAA, whatever is available in your area. You will find such strength,
caring, and empowerment from the women who attend such groups. The
support you will feel from complete strangers will often give you the
strength that you need.
If I can help IN ANY WAY, please do not hesitate to write me.
With warmest wishes,
--
Lindsey
At Mon, 26 Aug 2002, anonymous@obgyn.net wrote:
>
>Barbara,
>
>your husband is abusive because he is insecure and has poor coping
>skills, it has nothing to do with you. I hope that you make a choice
>that ensures your safety and health. No matter what your choices are,
>seek counselling for yourself and learn how to cope with all the
>changes in your life. A counsellor will be able to help you sort out
>your feelings, make a safety plan with you and offer you more options
>and choices than you already have. Take care and itīs good you wrote
>this list for help!!
>
>Jenn
>
>>>----- Original Message -----
>From: anonymous@obgyn.net (Janet)
>Date: Monday, August 26, 2002 8:54 pm
>Subject: Re: Husband getting abusive because I am sick and I don't know
>if I
>
>> Barbra,
>>
>> I think you feel your in your darkest hours. If you leave there
>> will be
>> problems to face. But remember no finacial problem is worth this.
>> Things will work out. Maybe not today or next week but it will
>> happen.I will keep you in my prayers.
>>
>> At Sun, 25 Aug 2002, Barb wrote:
>> >
>> >I will answer as I go along,
>> >
>> >>Barbara,
>> >>
>> >>When I started reading your letter my first thought was that you
>> had to get
>> >>him into couples counseling with you, to deal with the changes
>> in you from the
>> >>time he married you, and to learn coping skills. A couple
>> paragraphs in,
>> >>however, I realized that you have to get out of that house.
>> >
>> >I do have several places that I can go to.I am worried though as
>> I have
>> >my babies...two peeks and two parrots.My one friend said we were all
>> >welcome and would help me the best she could.I have another male
>> friend>who said the same.I have places to go.Alot of things in
>> this house to
>> >take with me too.
>> >I suppose it is the best plan of action.But I would rather he
>> leave till
>> >we sell the house and it gives me more time to settle things.What
>> do you
>> >think?I know that if I would have been smart enough yesterday..I
>> could>have had him arrested for grabbing me by the wrists and
>> breaking my
>> >nail.They have zero tolerance for abuse here in Canada..or
>> Manitoba for
>> >that matter.I should have done that.They also would have seen
>> that he
>> >drank and drove and was sooo very drunk.I should have done it then.
>> >
>> > Financial
>> >>concerns should never be a reason to stay in an abusive
>> relationship. You
>> >>should be able to get on disability and welfare, whatever the
>> equivalent is in
>> >>Canada, due to your illnesses if you are on your own.
>> >
>> >I have a disability income from my former work place.However,he
>> holds it
>> >over my head that if I leave him(as I have threatened in the
>> past),that>he won't pay his share of the credit cards that are
>> under both names.I
>> >could never afford to pay them.He is a crazy shopper.Has no
>> regard for
>> >money.
>> >Also,I had problems all through marriage with him with the
>> >miscarriages...I left him after my last and he stalked me for a
>> month.I>actually had a restraining order against him and it was my
>> fault for
>> >taking him back.At the time I had my health,career and mental
>> faculties>working....now is a little different.I am thinking
>> always the worse case
>> >scenario....welfare..I know some from some support groups and it is
>> >poverty.No-one can live on that unless they have family to back
>> them.My>mom surivives on an old age security and I don't talk to
>> my dad although
>> >he is the one with money.He would never help me.
>> >I have no sisters nor brothers.But,I do have several friends
>> >here.Another problem is that my grandmother lives with us.I took
>> her in
>> >when we built this house right after her operation.she is 90 and
>> I don't
>> >know what would happen to her.This is another concern that I have
>> >forgotten to write.
>> >
>> >I do know however,that I would qualify for an alimony payment
>> from him
>> >for my standard of living and have the equity in the
>> >house....geez...just thought of that...would take care of the
>> >bills.....guess time to see a lawyer..
>> >
>> >I have thought about filing for bankrupcy and starting from scratch.
>> >I do make enough on disability,but again,,,disability can be
>> taken away
>> >so quickly as it has been done to me in the past.If you are well
>> for a
>> >week ..bingo....they review your claim..you have to appeal(more
>> stress)>and then you do win with the doctors behind you.In the
>> mean time..it can
>> >leave you without payment for years.I recently got a back payment of
>> >$39,000.00 that had to cover expenses during a particular
>> period.All the
>> >money is gone.MY husband just took it to pay his business taxes.
>> >
>> > You will have to make
>> >>sacrifices, but you are making them now. Which would you rather
>> give up?
>> >>Financial peace of mind and standard of living, or your health
>> and life?
>> >>Would the temporary stress of a divorce be worse than the daily,
>> neverending>>stress you're under now?
>> >>
>> >I would rather have my health and then all would fall into
>> place.YOu are
>> >so right.
>> >The issue is the loss of power from the illness that feeds my illness
>> >and he loves to see the loss of power.
>> >
>> >>You can look in the phone book for women's services, shelters,
>> and the like.
>> >>Or, call the emergency room or police station. They have
>> contact information
>> >>for abused women's services, and can escort you to a safe house
>> if needed.
>> >>You need to take care of yourself. Call an abused women's
>> hotline. Do
>> >>something to help you get out of your situation to a healthier,
>> safer one.
>> >>
>> >He is okay today,..always worse when he goes out and gets
>> >drunk(something that bothers me),that is when he is most abusive
>> and can
>> >strike out.But still no reason to stay.It's time I see my
>> strengths and
>> >take the kindness from my friends and maybe I can find someone
>> who can
>> >accept me for who I am.
>> >Childless or not...sick or not...I was always told I was a
>> failure at
>> >being a women as I could not carry to full term.
>> >
>> >I have to think positive here....I am going to eventually get
>> stronger>and better...I am told I am very attractive(everyone says
>> I am)...I am
>> >sure that there is someone out there that would treat me well and
>> then>maybe I could get my confidence back.I need a husband that is
>> my best
>> >friend.I have not had this..but I went from one abusive marriage at
>> >21,to another one that I am still in.
>> >This is the pattern one takes.I was much smarter then...I only
>> let the
>> >abuse last for a few months and I was outta that house soooo fast.It
>> >does seem that controlling men and abusive men all have the same
>> >traits.They stalk..they say they will change..but they never,ever do.
>> >
>> >Thanks again for listening.
>> >
>> >Many thanks to all that have replied when I just don't know what
>> to do
>> >anymore.
>> >
>> >>Renee
>> >>
>> >>"Barb C." wrote:
>> >>>
>> >>> As many know..I have several issues besides IR and PCOS>some
>> may be
>> >>> caused from the IR...I don't know.
>> >>>
>> >>> The problem is that I don't appear to look ill and my husband is
>> >>> becoming abusive..verbablly and last night he grabbed me by
>> the wrists
>> >>> and told me I had better start doing more around the house.He
>> said he is
>> >>> sick and tired of my illness and I better do something about
>> it.I'm>>> still undergoing tests for my heart and vascular system
>> and was told by
>> >>> all doctors to concentrate on doing things for my
>> health....not to try
>> >>> and use energy when I have it to do strenous things like
>> cleaning a
>> >>> house.I have a large home and believe me...it is not
>> dirty...he just
>> >>> likes to pick.
>> >>> He was used to a strong business woman who came home..cleaned
>> and cooked
>> >>> and still found time for recreational activities.I also did
>> everything>>> for him and now he won't do things for me...I have
>> to have my mom stay
>> >>> here with me to tend to grocery shopping and some light
>> housekeeping and
>> >>> we do the best we can.My mom is not well herself.
>> >>> Now,I am very weak and cannot handle things for more than
>> sometimes>>> minutes and then again,,sometimes I can do more.I
>> have sudden flares.
>> >>>
>> >>> I've spoken to my therapist many times about the possibility
>> of a toxic
>> >>> environment.He agrees.It is definitely not good on my health.
>> >>> It does seem that when I am feeling slightly better and do go
>> out with
>> >>> my friends(he goes out every day)..he seems to resent that I
>> should have
>> >>> either cleaned out the fridge or done something around the house.
>> >>> Some days I cannot go to the store for myself,yet yesterday he was
>> >>> swearing that he needs socks.This man is well and is more than
>> capable>>> of going to the store to get his own.
>> >>> It is far worse than I write...as he is becoming so boligerant
>> with me
>> >>> and then I find my heart just racing and I am weaker and
>> sicker for
>> >>> weeks.
>> >>>
>> >>> I have to be honest...I am afraid to leave,as I don't know how
>> I can
>> >>> fare on my own and cannot take the stress now of a divorce.We
>> have been
>> >>> married since 1985.
>> >>>
>> >>> I cannot understand how somone who is supposed to love and
>> care for you
>> >>> when you are sick can be so cruel.
>> >>> He seems to blame me for everything.Telling me that it was my
>> former>>> career that made me ill,yet when I think about it,..it
>> was he that
>> >>> caused the stress all along as he is a controlling husband.
>> >>>
>> >>> I am just wondering how many women have this problem.
>> >>> My life presently is feeling so torn apart that I feel
>> sometimes that I
>> >>> have no reason to live.He calls me the cripple.
>> >>> It rips me up inside.
>> >>> Despite all of my medical documents that I flash in his face which
>> >>> clearly show that I should not even be doing the things that I
>> am doing
>> >>> till they get my illness under control-he still shrugs it off
>> and swears
>> >>> and yells that he has to do so much more now.He does no
>> cleaning and
>> >>> does no shopping and HE hires someone to cut the
>> grass...something I
>> >>> used to do.He is upset that I no longer make the meals that I
>> used to
>> >>> and refuses to eat anything that I make.I haven't the strength
>> to cook
>> >>> two meals.He is a big boy.If I could do it when I was sick..he
>> certainly>>> can.I cook heart smart and he is use to the
>> gravy,potatos and meat and a
>> >>> big fancy meal....I cannot do that or I will give into it.
>> >>> He does not see where I am at.He does see that I have trouble
>> sleeping>>> when In pain and then I sleep late..sometimes till
>> two..and it takes me
>> >>> a couple hours before I can even manage to get the strength to
>> start the
>> >>> day with a shower.
>> >>> A night with pain and no sleep.
>> >>>
>> >>> I find this totally unfair.He has seen what diabetes has done
>> to his
>> >>> mom.
>> >>> He will not listen to what I tell him.I try to talk to him and
>> he just
>> >>> screams.
>> >>> Says I look well and if I can walk and do these things that I
>> am doing
>> >>> like yoga and all..then I should be able to do what I did
>> before...after>>> all..he says..you are at home and on disability.
>> >>> Doesn't the disability speak for its self.I had a diagnois of
>> lupus as
>> >>> most know and now the tests are showing negative so he thinks
>> that I am
>> >>> just lazy despite the other abnormal tests.
>> >>>
>> >>> I am thinking that there could be a strong connection here to
>> why I am
>> >>> not getting well.I have a toxic life with him and do find that
>> when he
>> >>> is yelling at me from the minute he gets in the door...it's a
>> wonder I
>> >>> have such a rapid beat.
>> >>> I know the effects of stress and the heart and I am told to
>> try and
>> >>> avoid all stressors that I can.One day he says he understands
>> that I am
>> >>> in pain..other days..he says I have to live with it and move on.
>> >>>
>> >>> What do I do?
>> >>> yesterday was a complete disaster...he came home drunk and I
>> had to call
>> >>> his sister to come here as I was afraid he was going to kill me.
>> >>> I feel confident enough to write this now on the forum as I
>> know that
>> >>> some women may be able to understand.I did not ask for
>> sickness...it is
>> >>> something that just happened.And to have him belittle me for
>> not being
>> >>> able to do the things I did before just makes me more
>> depressed and
>> >>> angry with myself,thus trying to push to do things and I get
>> extrememly>>> ill.
>> >>>
>> >>> Last night I awoke with extreme heart palps and had to be
>> rushed to er.
>> >>> I was going at 180 bpm.The doctor did basics and asked me if I
>> had been
>> >>> under a great deal of stress that day.he also said he was
>> going to send
>> >>> the report to my cardiologist...as my blood pressure was so
>> high...he>>> would not even give me the numbers...rather he gave
>> me some monopril
>> >>> till I see the cardio.They kept me there overnight to awake
>> with a
>> >>> hearbeat of 130.
>> >>>
>> >>> I call this stressful.
>> >>> He did say that after a heated argument,..that the release of
>> the fight
>> >>> of fight hormones....cortisol and adrenaline stay present for
>> six or
>> >>> more hours.
>> >>> My mom brought me home only to have my husband look at me and say
>> >>> nothing.
>> >>>
>> >>> I feel like dying already.
>> >>>
>> >>> --
>> >>> Sincerely,
>> >>> Barb C.
>> >>>
>> >>--
>> >>--------------
>> >>Renee Cordrey, MSPT, MPH, CWS
>> >>
>> >>---
>> >>Dwell in Possibility.
>> >>--Emily Dickenson
>> >>
>> >--
>> >Sincerely,
>> >Barb C.
>> >
>>
>> --
>> Janet at JanetHeller@msn.com
>>
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