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Re: Miscarraige, 'insufficiency', stupid people, etc- another Valerie rant (sorry, long)

From: Joy (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Fri, 30 Aug 2002 11:25:51 -0500 (CDT)

I am so sorry, Valerie...I wish I had words to say. I am glad you can come here in vent. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here is one that gets said to me all the time: "Don't worry it will happen." How in ^*&^ do they know???? Do they have a crystal ball? I identify. Joy

At Fri, 30 Aug 2002, Valerie wrote: >
>UGH!
>
>So I have been doing the Atkins diet since early May, and have lost 30
>pounds and have gotten regular periods starting between the 13th and the
>15th of each month, except for Augusts cycle...
>
>On the 17th, after having not gotten my period, I took a pg test, fully
>expecting to be mocked by the stark white stick yet again... and then
>it came up positive (faintly positive, but positive) so I decided to
>take it easy and try not to worry because no one would hear my
>progesterone pleas on a Saturday...
>
>I couldn't believe it... I had had a miscarraige in 1999, and abandoned
>all birth control for the past 3.5 years or so, so this was amazing...
>
>Then 3 hours later I began to pour blood and I knew it was over... I
>called my insurance company medical referral people who need to approve
>weekend care... he said "this kind of thing happens everyday, don't
>even think twice about it." G-d, why are people so hard and
>callous?!?!?! This kind of thing DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME EVERYDAY! I
>called my doctor on Monday as instructed, and the nurse said I had to
>come in for an ultrasound for the purpose of verifying "all debris had
>been expelled." Do people ever stop to realize what they are saying?!?!
>Debris is trash or waste- this was my baby! When someting is expelled,
>it sounds to be a willful thing, expelled carries that power of
>propelled and words that sits in the like. My appointment was scheduled
>for the 28th.
>
>I went to work- there was no physical pain- and I had originally planned
>to just keep it under my hat... my boss saw me walk by her office 5
>minutes after I arrived and she cornered me to see what was wrong... I
>told her and I cried, and then I left her office under the assumption I
>would tell no one... that idea did not last... I feel the need to tell
>everyone who will listen, because I feel as if I should be wearing a big
>badge that says "I AM BROKEN, THOUGH I LOOK FINE," maybe if I had such a
>badge people would stop saying stupid things? I am sick of hearing how I
>can just get pg again and have fun trying! What the hell is this
>assumption from?!?!
>
>I had to go out of town on business for most of the last week, so I
>stopped off to grab scrapbooking supplies from my dealer so I would be
>able to keep busy while alone in my room at night... I told my
>scrapbook dealer about the miscarriage and she said "oh, gee, and people
>like me just whisper the word pg and end up in labor and delivery, last
>time with twins!" G-d, did she really think I needed to know that?!?!?!
>I left with my supplies and a compounded feeling of inadequacy... I
>HATE THAT I CANNOT DO WHAT IT SEEMS MOST EVERY OTHER WOMAN CAN DO BY
>JUST LAYING ON HER BACK!
>
>I went out of town... and struggled with the absence of feeling... I
>think I would have felt better if there had been immense physical pain
>or mutilation, I almost feel guilty for not physically feeling my
>loss... I guess it takes time to let it all set in... the first week
>was realtively tearless... but the morning sickness that continues
>while my hormones settle back down is horrible, I wish I could believe
>it was a flu, because it screws with my mind like you would not believe.
>
>I came back to town and went to see my doctor- they forgot me in the
>waiting room and I waited for an hour watching all he pg women go in and
>out, some of them even pushing strollers with their last baby still
>cooing and gurgling... and I watched the cheery couple waiting for
>their first ultrasound- I hated her and I couldn't control it... did
>she really think we all needed to hear about how she hoped her baby got
>her husbands eyes and her hair? I don't care what she names it... and I
>certainly don't care that she got pg on her honeymoon!
>
>When I was walking to the ultrasound room there was a girl coming out
>who was talking with her doctor and the doctor said that the ultrasound
>was very promising considering that her baby would likely arrive the
>week of her 15th birthday- I hated her too... G-d this has been cruel.
>
>Deep down I knew that the ultrasound would show nothing, but when the
>doctor said he saw nothing it set in and it hurt so badly. I asked him
>what we could do differently next time because I had only been pg just
>long enough to find out and lose it... he said Clomid was the only way
>he could see this coming out as I want it... I am still too chicken-
>10% risk of multiple births! Why can't nature take its course for me! I,
>afterall, have gotten regular cycles on my own because of my diet! Why
>is there always another obstacle! He suggested that if I really waned to
>try this way that I get a fertility monitor to see if I am actually
>ovulating regularly- but then he reminded me that I am in all likelihood
>"insufficient" in that I don't prepare my eggs well so they won't
>take... It was bad enough to know I DON'T MAKE ENOUGH PROGESTERONE, but
>to hear the whole equation ana actually be known as INSUFFICIENT! What a
>blow... the word "insufficient" just really says it all... at a time
>like this I feel insufficient as a woman and wife...
>
>I am tired of people telling me I have years to accomplish a full-term
>pg, it's pretty clear my bio clock is already clicking on borrowed
>time... I hate people who say how easy it is to get pg! I hate people
>who say stupid shit... I am tired of hearing that I was "barely pg" or
>that "it wasn't really a baby yet!"
>
>I love my husband dearly, but I cornered him to see why he hadn't been
>crushed like me... he said he had saved himself by not being excited
>about something that just won't make it... I know he meant only to be
>honest, to protect himself and not to hurt me, but I truly felt like a
>bad wife...
>
>My mother told me she had told my uncle about the miscarraige... I
>asked her why... she said not to take it the wrong way, but I had lost
>her first grandchild... HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THAT!?!?
>
>I am sorry this was so long, I have yet to speak to anyone who really
>understands, and I needed to get some of this baggage off my chest
>before I suffocated in it... I wish there was a PCOS group in my area,
>I need people like me...
>
>--
>Valerie
>

--
Joy 29
History of Endo and Infertility
Maybe PCOS
1 child 10-25-00
TTC # 2 one year and counting....



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