Re: Husband getting abusive because I am sick and I don't know if I
From: anonymous@obgyn.net
Mon, 26 Aug 2002 21:12:18 +0000 (GMT)
Barbara,
your husband is abusive because he is insecure and has poor coping
skills, it has nothing to do with you. I hope that you make a choice
that ensures your safety and health. No matter what your choices are,
seek counselling for yourself and learn how to cope with all the
changes in your life. A counsellor will be able to help you sort out
your feelings, make a safety plan with you and offer you more options
and choices than you already have. Take care and itīs good you wrote
this list for help!!
Jenn
>----- Original Message -----
From: anonymous@obgyn.net (Janet)
Date: Monday, August 26, 2002 8:54 pm
Subject: Re: Husband getting abusive because I am sick and I don't know
if I
> Barbra,
>
> I think you feel your in your darkest hours. If you leave there
> will be
> problems to face. But remember no finacial problem is worth this.
> Things will work out. Maybe not today or next week but it will
> happen.I will keep you in my prayers.
>
> At Sun, 25 Aug 2002, Barb wrote:
> >
> >I will answer as I go along,
> >
> >>Barbara,
> >>
> >>When I started reading your letter my first thought was that you
> had to get
> >>him into couples counseling with you, to deal with the changes
> in you from the
> >>time he married you, and to learn coping skills. A couple
> paragraphs in,
> >>however, I realized that you have to get out of that house.
> >
> >I do have several places that I can go to.I am worried though as
> I have
> >my babies...two peeks and two parrots.My one friend said we were all
> >welcome and would help me the best she could.I have another male
> friend>who said the same.I have places to go.Alot of things in
> this house to
> >take with me too.
> >I suppose it is the best plan of action.But I would rather he
> leave till
> >we sell the house and it gives me more time to settle things.What
> do you
> >think?I know that if I would have been smart enough yesterday..I
> could>have had him arrested for grabbing me by the wrists and
> breaking my
> >nail.They have zero tolerance for abuse here in Canada..or
> Manitoba for
> >that matter.I should have done that.They also would have seen
> that he
> >drank and drove and was sooo very drunk.I should have done it then.
> >
> > Financial
> >>concerns should never be a reason to stay in an abusive
> relationship. You
> >>should be able to get on disability and welfare, whatever the
> equivalent is in
> >>Canada, due to your illnesses if you are on your own.
> >
> >I have a disability income from my former work place.However,he
> holds it
> >over my head that if I leave him(as I have threatened in the
> past),that>he won't pay his share of the credit cards that are
> under both names.I
> >could never afford to pay them.He is a crazy shopper.Has no
> regard for
> >money.
> >Also,I had problems all through marriage with him with the
> >miscarriages...I left him after my last and he stalked me for a
> month.I>actually had a restraining order against him and it was my
> fault for
> >taking him back.At the time I had my health,career and mental
> faculties>working....now is a little different.I am thinking
> always the worse case
> >scenario....welfare..I know some from some support groups and it is
> >poverty.No-one can live on that unless they have family to back
> them.My>mom surivives on an old age security and I don't talk to
> my dad although
> >he is the one with money.He would never help me.
> >I have no sisters nor brothers.But,I do have several friends
> >here.Another problem is that my grandmother lives with us.I took
> her in
> >when we built this house right after her operation.she is 90 and
> I don't
> >know what would happen to her.This is another concern that I have
> >forgotten to write.
> >
> >I do know however,that I would qualify for an alimony payment
> from him
> >for my standard of living and have the equity in the
> >house....geez...just thought of that...would take care of the
> >bills.....guess time to see a lawyer..
> >
> >I have thought about filing for bankrupcy and starting from scratch.
> >I do make enough on disability,but again,,,disability can be
> taken away
> >so quickly as it has been done to me in the past.If you are well
> for a
> >week ..bingo....they review your claim..you have to appeal(more
> stress)>and then you do win with the doctors behind you.In the
> mean time..it can
> >leave you without payment for years.I recently got a back payment of
> >$39,000.00 that had to cover expenses during a particular
> period.All the
> >money is gone.MY husband just took it to pay his business taxes.
> >
> > You will have to make
> >>sacrifices, but you are making them now. Which would you rather
> give up?
> >>Financial peace of mind and standard of living, or your health
> and life?
> >>Would the temporary stress of a divorce be worse than the daily,
> neverending>>stress you're under now?
> >>
> >I would rather have my health and then all would fall into
> place.YOu are
> >so right.
> >The issue is the loss of power from the illness that feeds my illness
> >and he loves to see the loss of power.
> >
> >>You can look in the phone book for women's services, shelters,
> and the like.
> >>Or, call the emergency room or police station. They have
> contact information
> >>for abused women's services, and can escort you to a safe house
> if needed.
> >>You need to take care of yourself. Call an abused women's
> hotline. Do
> >>something to help you get out of your situation to a healthier,
> safer one.
> >>
> >He is okay today,..always worse when he goes out and gets
> >drunk(something that bothers me),that is when he is most abusive
> and can
> >strike out.But still no reason to stay.It's time I see my
> strengths and
> >take the kindness from my friends and maybe I can find someone
> who can
> >accept me for who I am.
> >Childless or not...sick or not...I was always told I was a
> failure at
> >being a women as I could not carry to full term.
> >
> >I have to think positive here....I am going to eventually get
> stronger>and better...I am told I am very attractive(everyone says
> I am)...I am
> >sure that there is someone out there that would treat me well and
> then>maybe I could get my confidence back.I need a husband that is
> my best
> >friend.I have not had this..but I went from one abusive marriage at
> >21,to another one that I am still in.
> >This is the pattern one takes.I was much smarter then...I only
> let the
> >abuse last for a few months and I was outta that house soooo fast.It
> >does seem that controlling men and abusive men all have the same
> >traits.They stalk..they say they will change..but they never,ever do.
> >
> >Thanks again for listening.
> >
> >Many thanks to all that have replied when I just don't know what
> to do
> >anymore.
> >
> >>Renee
> >>
> >>"Barb C." wrote:
> >>>
> >>> As many know..I have several issues besides IR and PCOS>some
> may be
> >>> caused from the IR...I don't know.
> >>>
> >>> The problem is that I don't appear to look ill and my husband is
> >>> becoming abusive..verbablly and last night he grabbed me by
> the wrists
> >>> and told me I had better start doing more around the house.He
> said he is
> >>> sick and tired of my illness and I better do something about
> it.I'm>>> still undergoing tests for my heart and vascular system
> and was told by
> >>> all doctors to concentrate on doing things for my
> health....not to try
> >>> and use energy when I have it to do strenous things like
> cleaning a
> >>> house.I have a large home and believe me...it is not
> dirty...he just
> >>> likes to pick.
> >>> He was used to a strong business woman who came home..cleaned
> and cooked
> >>> and still found time for recreational activities.I also did
> everything>>> for him and now he won't do things for me...I have
> to have my mom stay
> >>> here with me to tend to grocery shopping and some light
> housekeeping and
> >>> we do the best we can.My mom is not well herself.
> >>> Now,I am very weak and cannot handle things for more than
> sometimes>>> minutes and then again,,sometimes I can do more.I
> have sudden flares.
> >>>
> >>> I've spoken to my therapist many times about the possibility
> of a toxic
> >>> environment.He agrees.It is definitely not good on my health.
> >>> It does seem that when I am feeling slightly better and do go
> out with
> >>> my friends(he goes out every day)..he seems to resent that I
> should have
> >>> either cleaned out the fridge or done something around the house.
> >>> Some days I cannot go to the store for myself,yet yesterday he was
> >>> swearing that he needs socks.This man is well and is more than
> capable>>> of going to the store to get his own.
> >>> It is far worse than I write...as he is becoming so boligerant
> with me
> >>> and then I find my heart just racing and I am weaker and
> sicker for
> >>> weeks.
> >>>
> >>> I have to be honest...I am afraid to leave,as I don't know how
> I can
> >>> fare on my own and cannot take the stress now of a divorce.We
> have been
> >>> married since 1985.
> >>>
> >>> I cannot understand how somone who is supposed to love and
> care for you
> >>> when you are sick can be so cruel.
> >>> He seems to blame me for everything.Telling me that it was my
> former>>> career that made me ill,yet when I think about it,..it
> was he that
> >>> caused the stress all along as he is a controlling husband.
> >>>
> >>> I am just wondering how many women have this problem.
> >>> My life presently is feeling so torn apart that I feel
> sometimes that I
> >>> have no reason to live.He calls me the cripple.
> >>> It rips me up inside.
> >>> Despite all of my medical documents that I flash in his face which
> >>> clearly show that I should not even be doing the things that I
> am doing
> >>> till they get my illness under control-he still shrugs it off
> and swears
> >>> and yells that he has to do so much more now.He does no
> cleaning and
> >>> does no shopping and HE hires someone to cut the
> grass...something I
> >>> used to do.He is upset that I no longer make the meals that I
> used to
> >>> and refuses to eat anything that I make.I haven't the strength
> to cook
> >>> two meals.He is a big boy.If I could do it when I was sick..he
> certainly>>> can.I cook heart smart and he is use to the
> gravy,potatos and meat and a
> >>> big fancy meal....I cannot do that or I will give into it.
> >>> He does not see where I am at.He does see that I have trouble
> sleeping>>> when In pain and then I sleep late..sometimes till
> two..and it takes me
> >>> a couple hours before I can even manage to get the strength to
> start the
> >>> day with a shower.
> >>> A night with pain and no sleep.
> >>>
> >>> I find this totally unfair.He has seen what diabetes has done
> to his
> >>> mom.
> >>> He will not listen to what I tell him.I try to talk to him and
> he just
> >>> screams.
> >>> Says I look well and if I can walk and do these things that I
> am doing
> >>> like yoga and all..then I should be able to do what I did
> before...after>>> all..he says..you are at home and on disability.
> >>> Doesn't the disability speak for its self.I had a diagnois of
> lupus as
> >>> most know and now the tests are showing negative so he thinks
> that I am
> >>> just lazy despite the other abnormal tests.
> >>>
> >>> I am thinking that there could be a strong connection here to
> why I am
> >>> not getting well.I have a toxic life with him and do find that
> when he
> >>> is yelling at me from the minute he gets in the door...it's a
> wonder I
> >>> have such a rapid beat.
> >>> I know the effects of stress and the heart and I am told to
> try and
> >>> avoid all stressors that I can.One day he says he understands
> that I am
> >>> in pain..other days..he says I have to live with it and move on.
> >>>
> >>> What do I do?
> >>> yesterday was a complete disaster...he came home drunk and I
> had to call
> >>> his sister to come here as I was afraid he was going to kill me.
> >>> I feel confident enough to write this now on the forum as I
> know that
> >>> some women may be able to understand.I did not ask for
> sickness...it is
> >>> something that just happened.And to have him belittle me for
> not being
> >>> able to do the things I did before just makes me more
> depressed and
> >>> angry with myself,thus trying to push to do things and I get
> extrememly>>> ill.
> >>>
> >>> Last night I awoke with extreme heart palps and had to be
> rushed to er.
> >>> I was going at 180 bpm.The doctor did basics and asked me if I
> had been
> >>> under a great deal of stress that day.he also said he was
> going to send
> >>> the report to my cardiologist...as my blood pressure was so
> high...he>>> would not even give me the numbers...rather he gave
> me some monopril
> >>> till I see the cardio.They kept me there overnight to awake
> with a
> >>> hearbeat of 130.
> >>>
> >>> I call this stressful.
> >>> He did say that after a heated argument,..that the release of
> the fight
> >>> of fight hormones....cortisol and adrenaline stay present for
> six or
> >>> more hours.
> >>> My mom brought me home only to have my husband look at me and say
> >>> nothing.
> >>>
> >>> I feel like dying already.
> >>>
> >>> --
> >>> Sincerely,
> >>> Barb C.
> >>>
> >>--
> >>--------------
> >>Renee Cordrey, MSPT, MPH, CWS
> >>
> >>---
> >>Dwell in Possibility.
> >>--Emily Dickenson
> >>
> >--
> >Sincerely,
> >Barb C.
> >
>
> --
> Janet at JanetHeller@msn.com
>
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