Re: Husband getting abusive because I am sick and I don't know if I should leave)very long
From: anonymous (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Mon, 26 Aug 2002 06:59:03 -0500 (CDT)
I am sorry to hear about your difficult domestic situation. I was in a
verbally abusive relationship a few years ago (we were both as bad as
one another) when I started to get symptoms of PCOS. It was hard to
leave someone after 7 years but I walked out and my quality of life
improved no end. I have also met someone who is very nice and offers a
great deal of support for PCOS. He is happy to contribute to the home
and do domestic chores on an equal basis which is healthy for any
relationship.
Reading between the lines it seems to me you have already prepared
yourself mentally to leave him, at the end of the day it is all about
self-respect and clawing back some personal control that gets lost in
abusive relationships. Your financial situation sounds difficult but as
he seems the main financial offender in your household I am sure you
will be financially better off long term if you leave him. Time to find
a lawyer who can help address the debt issues.
Good Luck! Denise
At Sun, 25 Aug 2002, Barb wrote:
>
>As many know..I have several issues besides IR and PCOS>some may be
>caused from the IR...I don't know.
>
>The problem is that I don't appear to look ill and my husband is
>becoming abusive..verbablly and last night he grabbed me by the wrists
>and told me I had better start doing more around the house.He said he is
>sick and tired of my illness and I better do something about it.I'm
>still undergoing tests for my heart and vascular system and was told by
>all doctors to concentrate on doing things for my health....not to try
>and use energy when I have it to do strenous things like cleaning a
>house.I have a large home and believe me...it is not dirty...he just
>likes to pick.
>He was used to a strong business woman who came home..cleaned and cooked
>and still found time for recreational activities.I also did everything
>for him and now he won't do things for me...I have to have my mom stay
>here with me to tend to grocery shopping and some light housekeeping and
>we do the best we can.My mom is not well herself.
>Now,I am very weak and cannot handle things for more than sometimes
>minutes and then again,,sometimes I can do more.I have sudden flares.
>
>I've spoken to my therapist many times about the possibility of a toxic
>environment.He agrees.It is definitely not good on my health.
>It does seem that when I am feeling slightly better and do go out with
>my friends(he goes out every day)..he seems to resent that I should have
>either cleaned out the fridge or done something around the house.
>Some days I cannot go to the store for myself,yet yesterday he was
>swearing that he needs socks.This man is well and is more than capable
>of going to the store to get his own.
>It is far worse than I write...as he is becoming so boligerant with me
>and then I find my heart just racing and I am weaker and sicker for
>weeks.
>
>I have to be honest...I am afraid to leave,as I don't know how I can
>fare on my own and cannot take the stress now of a divorce.We have been
>married since 1985.
>
>I cannot understand how somone who is supposed to love and care for you
>when you are sick can be so cruel.
>He seems to blame me for everything.Telling me that it was my former
>career that made me ill,yet when I think about it,..it was he that
>caused the stress all along as he is a controlling husband.
>
>I am just wondering how many women have this problem.
>My life presently is feeling so torn apart that I feel sometimes that I
>have no reason to live.He calls me the cripple.
>It rips me up inside.
>Despite all of my medical documents that I flash in his face which
>clearly show that I should not even be doing the things that I am doing
>till they get my illness under control-he still shrugs it off and swears
>and yells that he has to do so much more now.He does no cleaning and
>does no shopping and HE hires someone to cut the grass...something I
>used to do.He is upset that I no longer make the meals that I used to
>and refuses to eat anything that I make.I haven't the strength to cook
>two meals.He is a big boy.If I could do it when I was sick..he certainly
>can.I cook heart smart and he is use to the gravy,potatos and meat and a
>big fancy meal....I cannot do that or I will give into it.
>He does not see where I am at.He does see that I have trouble sleeping
>when In pain and then I sleep late..sometimes till two..and it takes me
>a couple hours before I can even manage to get the strength to start the
>day with a shower.
>A night with pain and no sleep.
>
>I find this totally unfair.He has seen what diabetes has done to his
>mom.
>He will not listen to what I tell him.I try to talk to him and he just
>screams.
>Says I look well and if I can walk and do these things that I am doing
>like yoga and all..then I should be able to do what I did before...after
>all..he says..you are at home and on disability.
>Doesn't the disability speak for its self.I had a diagnois of lupus as
>most know and now the tests are showing negative so he thinks that I am
>just lazy despite the other abnormal tests.
>
>I am thinking that there could be a strong connection here to why I am
>not getting well.I have a toxic life with him and do find that when he
>is yelling at me from the minute he gets in the door...it's a wonder I
>have such a rapid beat.
>I know the effects of stress and the heart and I am told to try and
>avoid all stressors that I can.One day he says he understands that I am
>in pain..other days..he says I have to live with it and move on.
>
>What do I do?
>yesterday was a complete disaster...he came home drunk and I had to call
>his sister to come here as I was afraid he was going to kill me.
>I feel confident enough to write this now on the forum as I know that
>some women may be able to understand.I did not ask for sickness...it is
>something that just happened.And to have him belittle me for not being
>able to do the things I did before just makes me more depressed and
>angry with myself,thus trying to push to do things and I get extrememly
>ill.
>
>Last night I awoke with extreme heart palps and had to be rushed to er.
>I was going at 180 bpm.The doctor did basics and asked me if I had been
>under a great deal of stress that day.he also said he was going to send
>the report to my cardiologist...as my blood pressure was so high...he
>would not even give me the numbers...rather he gave me some monopril
>till I see the cardio.They kept me there overnight to awake with a
>hearbeat of 130.
>
>I call this stressful.
>He did say that after a heated argument,..that the release of the fight
>of fight hormones....cortisol and adrenaline stay present for six or
>more hours.
>My mom brought me home only to have my husband look at me and say
>nothing.
>
>I feel like dying already.
>
>--
>Sincerely,
>Barb C.
>
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