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Re: Husband getting abusive because I am sick and I don't know if IFrom: Kimberly (anonymous@obgyn.net)Mon, 26 Aug 2002 01:43:38 -0500 (CDT)
Barbra, I'm so sorry that things are so tough for you right now. You are hardly in any shape to handle a normal life, let alone a life with a man so difficult. There is no doubt in my mind that this must be affecting your health. Perhaps even more so than you can imagine, as it seems no one has been able to truly diagnose your problems and give you proper treatment. One thing that struck me in your posts is that you seem to be constantly trying to PROVE to him that you are sick and finding ways to give him evidence etc. Although with a decent man that would perhaps be helpful - I think giving your husband this much attention and letting him know how helpless you feel is a big mistake. Sadly, he seems to be enjoying it. Also, many people (men especially) are REALLY unable to handle 'needy' people. Obviously you are in a position to be very needy, but by constantly being a victim you may be setting off some sort of coping mechanism in him that causes him to have no compassion whatsoever. Also, I have found with myself that the more I try to prove something to someone (such as the fact that I"m in pain etc.)and the more they fail to care - The more in pain I am. I will do just about anything to prove to them that I really am suffering. And I think that in the end that actually causes me to suffer more. Actually, this man is quite clearly not worth keeping at all. It doesn't even sound as if you even have much love for him left. (which is great in your case! you situation, as you have one less reason to put up with his abuse)He is destroying your health - destroying your financial future,and destroying your spirit. He is obviously an alcoholic. (any man over 30 that tends to get that drunk is)I know that you are concerned about the financial aspect, but he's destroying you financially anyway, so what do you have to lose? Passing out ideas, I would suggest that first of all you cut the remaining emotional strings that you have for him. When he complains to you, shrug it off or laugh and say "so did you have a bad day?" while smiling and acting like you care. Or nonchalantly say "I really WOULD have liked to have cleaned the toilets but I couldn't" and then sigh as if you were discussing the weather or just leave it at that. Do not discuss your health. He simply doesn't care. And it appears to be disturbing him. Or even agree with everything he says such as "yes, I really should keep a better house" But REALLY seperate yourself from caring what he says, or how he responds - that way you won't be manipulative or needy or anything else disfunctional (which usually has a bad effect on how people react) Next, I would wait it out for awhile and just simply disconnect and see what he does. He will either leave you, or he will get mad and become more abusive - at which you will immediately call the police and a divorce will probably be much more beneficial in benefits to you. A judge will feel sorry for a man that has a wife so sick that she can do nothing - yet will have a lot less sympathy for an alcoholic abuser. In the meantime - you MUST get your name off any open credit cards that he can get his hands on. You need to talk to the credit card company about your problem and also a lawyer. Perhaps suggest you consolidate your debt and then cancel any credit cards that are in your name and wherever you consolidate them to try and make sure there is little balance left to use. If he wants to open a credit card in his name, tell him he is more than welcome but because you are on disability you are not comfortable having credit in your name. I know little about the laws or rights in Canada - but with a little research you may find that it will be easier to leave him than you expect. On top of that, if you feel better you may be able to go back to work and then all your problems with this loser will be solved. I think it would be easier however to somehow get HIM to leave YOU. Oviously with your mom and grandmother living with you it will be very hard for you to leave your house. Find out what the laws are. If you have good reason to ask for a divorce, there is a good chance that the courts would give you the house - especially in your condition. If you are no longer feeding his need to be a controlling jerk perhaps he will find no reason to stay and make you sick and miserable. It sounds as if actually leaving him would perhaps put yourself in danger. Barb, you must get out of this one way or another. There are only a handful of things that can happen if you stay, and they are all very bad. You will either die of a heart-attack or stroke, he will kill you, you will kill yourself or you will leave the next 20 or 30 years of your remaining life in a sick and depressed state. The worse you get, undoubtedly the worse he will get (with the violence and the drinking) and you will have a terrible circle of disfunction as you will get sicker as he gets meaner and then you get even sicker etc. Toxic IS a good word for your environment. You have to disconnect from him either emotionally, physically, or both. YOU MUST. My mom rarely gives good advice - but when I was having a difficult time with my husband several months ago she said "Kimberly, no matter what he thinks or tells you, or how he makes you feel, LIVE YOUR LIFE. I did not and I dearly regret it." That really kind of put things in perspective for me, as I clearly understood that if I was or wasn't living my life, he didn't care. And there was no benefit at all to not living my life. So now everytime I feel guilt over the hundreds of things I am apt to feel guilty about, I remember what she said and I think about how I simply cannot change him, I can only choose to live my life or to not live it. I know I have oversimplified a very difficult situation - but that is the best I can do being a bystander. Hopefully just getting a different perspective on things from all of us here will give you the strength to get an emotionally healthy perspective of your own. You are clearly a beautiful, compassionate and intelligent woman. I have so enjoyed so many of your posts, for their honesty and information. Please remember that you are innocent and do not deserved to be treated as you are being treated. You deserve no special treatment because you are attractive - you deserve special treatment because you have a good heart and are trying to do the best you can with what you have been given - while even finding time to help others in the process. (I find that important to mention because many attractive women get confused on how to feel about themselves because the 'attractive issue' is so important in our western society. I think it is common for attractive women to end up in abusive relationships because they know their beauty has an effect on people, but inside they know that is a hollow reason to be effective. Next time a dr. tells you you look okay, tell him that your goal when you got out of bed was to look as normal as possible, but quite frankly you feel like crap. Plain and simple. so there.) Okay okay, I'll stop! I wish you the best of luck and will put in a good prayer for you tonight. (I'm not too good at remembering to pray, so that's saying a lot! Maybe God will appreciate my extra effort and will help you out a little more than usual! :) tee hee. Try and relax...we're all here to help and support you - and since you haven't discussed this until now - perhaps you will feel better just having got it off your chest a little.
-- Kimberly
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