Re: Husband getting abusive because I am sick and I don't know if I
From: Janet (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Sun, 25 Aug 2002 23:32:41 -0500 (CDT)
Barbra,
I think you feel your in your darkest hours. If you leave there will be
problems to face. But remember no finacial problem is worth this.
Things will work out. Maybe not today or next week but it will happen.
I will keep you in my prayers.
At Sun, 25 Aug 2002, Barb wrote:
>
>I will answer as I go along,
>
>>Barbara,
>>
>>When I started reading your letter my first thought was that you had to get
>>him into couples counseling with you, to deal with the changes in you from the
>>time he married you, and to learn coping skills. A couple paragraphs in,
>>however, I realized that you have to get out of that house.
>
>I do have several places that I can go to.I am worried though as I have
>my babies...two peeks and two parrots.My one friend said we were all
>welcome and would help me the best she could.I have another male friend
>who said the same.I have places to go.Alot of things in this house to
>take with me too.
>I suppose it is the best plan of action.But I would rather he leave till
>we sell the house and it gives me more time to settle things.What do you
>think?I know that if I would have been smart enough yesterday..I could
>have had him arrested for grabbing me by the wrists and breaking my
>nail.They have zero tolerance for abuse here in Canada..or Manitoba for
>that matter.I should have done that.They also would have seen that he
>drank and drove and was sooo very drunk.I should have done it then.
>
> Financial
>>concerns should never be a reason to stay in an abusive relationship. You
>>should be able to get on disability and welfare, whatever the equivalent is in
>>Canada, due to your illnesses if you are on your own.
>
>I have a disability income from my former work place.However,he holds it
>over my head that if I leave him(as I have threatened in the past),that
>he won't pay his share of the credit cards that are under both names.I
>could never afford to pay them.He is a crazy shopper.Has no regard for
>money.
>Also,I had problems all through marriage with him with the
>miscarriages...I left him after my last and he stalked me for a month.I
>actually had a restraining order against him and it was my fault for
>taking him back.At the time I had my health,career and mental faculties
>working....now is a little different.I am thinking always the worse case
>scenario....welfare..I know some from some support groups and it is
>poverty.No-one can live on that unless they have family to back them.My
>mom surivives on an old age security and I don't talk to my dad although
>he is the one with money.He would never help me.
>I have no sisters nor brothers.But,I do have several friends
>here.Another problem is that my grandmother lives with us.I took her in
>when we built this house right after her operation.she is 90 and I don't
>know what would happen to her.This is another concern that I have
>forgotten to write.
>
>I do know however,that I would qualify for an alimony payment from him
>for my standard of living and have the equity in the
>house....geez...just thought of that...would take care of the
>bills.....guess time to see a lawyer..
>
>I have thought about filing for bankrupcy and starting from scratch.
>I do make enough on disability,but again,,,disability can be taken away
>so quickly as it has been done to me in the past.If you are well for a
>week ..bingo....they review your claim..you have to appeal(more stress)
>and then you do win with the doctors behind you.In the mean time..it can
>leave you without payment for years.I recently got a back payment of
>$39,000.00 that had to cover expenses during a particular period.All the
>money is gone.MY husband just took it to pay his business taxes.
>
> You will have to make
>>sacrifices, but you are making them now. Which would you rather give up?
>>Financial peace of mind and standard of living, or your health and life?
>>Would the temporary stress of a divorce be worse than the daily, neverending
>>stress you're under now?
>>
>I would rather have my health and then all would fall into place.YOu are
>so right.
>The issue is the loss of power from the illness that feeds my illness
>and he loves to see the loss of power.
>
>>You can look in the phone book for women's services, shelters, and the like.
>>Or, call the emergency room or police station. They have contact information
>>for abused women's services, and can escort you to a safe house if needed.
>>You need to take care of yourself. Call an abused women's hotline. Do
>>something to help you get out of your situation to a healthier, safer one.
>>
>He is okay today,..always worse when he goes out and gets
>drunk(something that bothers me),that is when he is most abusive and can
>strike out.But still no reason to stay.It's time I see my strengths and
>take the kindness from my friends and maybe I can find someone who can
>accept me for who I am.
>Childless or not...sick or not...I was always told I was a failure at
>being a women as I could not carry to full term.
>
>I have to think positive here....I am going to eventually get stronger
>and better...I am told I am very attractive(everyone says I am)...I am
>sure that there is someone out there that would treat me well and then
>maybe I could get my confidence back.I need a husband that is my best
>friend.I have not had this..but I went from one abusive marriage at
>21,to another one that I am still in.
>This is the pattern one takes.I was much smarter then...I only let the
>abuse last for a few months and I was outta that house soooo fast.It
>does seem that controlling men and abusive men all have the same
>traits.They stalk..they say they will change..but they never,ever do.
>
>Thanks again for listening.
>
>Many thanks to all that have replied when I just don't know what to do
>anymore.
>
>>Renee
>>
>>"Barb C." wrote:
>>>
>>> As many know..I have several issues besides IR and PCOS>some may be
>>> caused from the IR...I don't know.
>>>
>>> The problem is that I don't appear to look ill and my husband is
>>> becoming abusive..verbablly and last night he grabbed me by the wrists
>>> and told me I had better start doing more around the house.He said he is
>>> sick and tired of my illness and I better do something about it.I'm
>>> still undergoing tests for my heart and vascular system and was told by
>>> all doctors to concentrate on doing things for my health....not to try
>>> and use energy when I have it to do strenous things like cleaning a
>>> house.I have a large home and believe me...it is not dirty...he just
>>> likes to pick.
>>> He was used to a strong business woman who came home..cleaned and cooked
>>> and still found time for recreational activities.I also did everything
>>> for him and now he won't do things for me...I have to have my mom stay
>>> here with me to tend to grocery shopping and some light housekeeping and
>>> we do the best we can.My mom is not well herself.
>>> Now,I am very weak and cannot handle things for more than sometimes
>>> minutes and then again,,sometimes I can do more.I have sudden flares.
>>>
>>> I've spoken to my therapist many times about the possibility of a toxic
>>> environment.He agrees.It is definitely not good on my health.
>>> It does seem that when I am feeling slightly better and do go out with
>>> my friends(he goes out every day)..he seems to resent that I should have
>>> either cleaned out the fridge or done something around the house.
>>> Some days I cannot go to the store for myself,yet yesterday he was
>>> swearing that he needs socks.This man is well and is more than capable
>>> of going to the store to get his own.
>>> It is far worse than I write...as he is becoming so boligerant with me
>>> and then I find my heart just racing and I am weaker and sicker for
>>> weeks.
>>>
>>> I have to be honest...I am afraid to leave,as I don't know how I can
>>> fare on my own and cannot take the stress now of a divorce.We have been
>>> married since 1985.
>>>
>>> I cannot understand how somone who is supposed to love and care for you
>>> when you are sick can be so cruel.
>>> He seems to blame me for everything.Telling me that it was my former
>>> career that made me ill,yet when I think about it,..it was he that
>>> caused the stress all along as he is a controlling husband.
>>>
>>> I am just wondering how many women have this problem.
>>> My life presently is feeling so torn apart that I feel sometimes that I
>>> have no reason to live.He calls me the cripple.
>>> It rips me up inside.
>>> Despite all of my medical documents that I flash in his face which
>>> clearly show that I should not even be doing the things that I am doing
>>> till they get my illness under control-he still shrugs it off and swears
>>> and yells that he has to do so much more now.He does no cleaning and
>>> does no shopping and HE hires someone to cut the grass...something I
>>> used to do.He is upset that I no longer make the meals that I used to
>>> and refuses to eat anything that I make.I haven't the strength to cook
>>> two meals.He is a big boy.If I could do it when I was sick..he certainly
>>> can.I cook heart smart and he is use to the gravy,potatos and meat and a
>>> big fancy meal....I cannot do that or I will give into it.
>>> He does not see where I am at.He does see that I have trouble sleeping
>>> when In pain and then I sleep late..sometimes till two..and it takes me
>>> a couple hours before I can even manage to get the strength to start the
>>> day with a shower.
>>> A night with pain and no sleep.
>>>
>>> I find this totally unfair.He has seen what diabetes has done to his
>>> mom.
>>> He will not listen to what I tell him.I try to talk to him and he just
>>> screams.
>>> Says I look well and if I can walk and do these things that I am doing
>>> like yoga and all..then I should be able to do what I did before...after
>>> all..he says..you are at home and on disability.
>>> Doesn't the disability speak for its self.I had a diagnois of lupus as
>>> most know and now the tests are showing negative so he thinks that I am
>>> just lazy despite the other abnormal tests.
>>>
>>> I am thinking that there could be a strong connection here to why I am
>>> not getting well.I have a toxic life with him and do find that when he
>>> is yelling at me from the minute he gets in the door...it's a wonder I
>>> have such a rapid beat.
>>> I know the effects of stress and the heart and I am told to try and
>>> avoid all stressors that I can.One day he says he understands that I am
>>> in pain..other days..he says I have to live with it and move on.
>>>
>>> What do I do?
>>> yesterday was a complete disaster...he came home drunk and I had to call
>>> his sister to come here as I was afraid he was going to kill me.
>>> I feel confident enough to write this now on the forum as I know that
>>> some women may be able to understand.I did not ask for sickness...it is
>>> something that just happened.And to have him belittle me for not being
>>> able to do the things I did before just makes me more depressed and
>>> angry with myself,thus trying to push to do things and I get extrememly
>>> ill.
>>>
>>> Last night I awoke with extreme heart palps and had to be rushed to er.
>>> I was going at 180 bpm.The doctor did basics and asked me if I had been
>>> under a great deal of stress that day.he also said he was going to send
>>> the report to my cardiologist...as my blood pressure was so high...he
>>> would not even give me the numbers...rather he gave me some monopril
>>> till I see the cardio.They kept me there overnight to awake with a
>>> hearbeat of 130.
>>>
>>> I call this stressful.
>>> He did say that after a heated argument,..that the release of the fight
>>> of fight hormones....cortisol and adrenaline stay present for six or
>>> more hours.
>>> My mom brought me home only to have my husband look at me and say
>>> nothing.
>>>
>>> I feel like dying already.
>>>
>>> --
>>> Sincerely,
>>> Barb C.
>>>
>>--
>>--------------
>>Renee Cordrey, MSPT, MPH, CWS
>>
>>---
>>Dwell in Possibility.
>>--Emily Dickenson
>>
>--
>Sincerely,
>Barb C.
>
--
Janet at JanetHeller@msn.com
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