PCOS Messages for January, 2002: Re: Supportive husband

Re: Supportive husband

From: Kimberly (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Wed, 23 Jan 2002 16:26:40 -0600 (CST)

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In reply to: anonymous: "Supportive husband"
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You sound like your heart is in the right place - but you also need to constantly think about how your ideas and solutions will be affecting her. Example: if you tell her you are willing to work an extra job to pay for fertility treatments, she might be hearing that YOU have to suffer now because of her infertility and that might trigger the idea that you are better off without her. As good as your idea sounds, it will only make her feel terrible. I would strongly recommend trying to "work out a plan" is not a good idea at all at this time. You are not well versed enough on PCOS to do so - as there are many treatment options that are not particularly costly (given you have health insurance) - there are even lifestyle changes that can bring about conception. (I got pregnant simply by going on a very low-carb diet - within 2 months of going on it). If you talk to her about how expensive it's gonna be, it's only gonna make her feel worse, and it's not concrete information anyway. Two other things I noticed from your post - if she knew she had a fertility problem before you were married, why is she so upset over PCOS now? Has it gotten worse? Was she diagnosed before you were married with PCOS or something else? If she knew she had PCOS and fertility issues, is she participating in any treatment? How could she be getting proper treatment if you were not even aware that she had a very serious condition? If she is not, why should she be so upset at this point knowing there are options out there? Perhaps you haven't told the whole story and simply made it shorter for reading purposes, but it ALMOST sounds as if something set her off, and perhaps she has more issues with you than just the infertility, and perhaps that is a good excuse for her. Just a possibility you need to think about -and if it is preposterous forgive me for simply not having enough info to go on. The other thing is that it doesn't seem you are comunicating very well considering you thought a few horomonal treatments would give you a baby - as that would mean the infertility problem wasn't really a problem. And apparently it is, so much so that she has been suffering in secret to not have to tell you how severe it is. Not good communication on either side. Also the fact that you are afraid to talk to her is indicative of a communcation problem. (I'm not saying it's you, it actually appears to be more of her fault than yours)

Okay, so enough analyzing of that! Sorry if I'm harsh, I obviously know nothing about you or your wife, so I'm not suggesting I'm correct on anything - I can only hope that maybe something will speak to you, and if not, I'm probably just way off.

As for a solution to the current situation - Your wife sounds a bit like me in the way I might handle communicating (I'm no pro!) about an issue this difficult. In my opinion there is only one option at the immediate present and that is to tell her that you do not care about having children, if that is what you have been given by God or fate or whatever, then you will be happy to handle it as long as you have her in your life. Period. End of story. You have to make her believe you don't care. There is plenty of time for solutions in the future, and they will come to you, weather it's more appropriate treatment from specialists, self-education about options, or even adoption. If she brings it up you need to say "I really don't care, I just love you and that's all I care about at the moment. I don't want to see you suffering so much, and I really want you to know that you are not alone. We can get through this, and if it means we have to make a new roadmap for our life, then so be it. This is what we have been given and we will work with it, together. There are a lot of options out there and we will worry about them in the future, but right now I really want you to know that this is not nearly as important as you are in the whole scheme of things." or something like that...:)

If you do not feel this way, then for pete's sake, let her go now so that you don't spend the rest of your life making her feel like a failure - and you can have the kids you want and she can have a man she can live with happily. (I'm only saying this to illustrate the fact that you must really believe what you are saying, or you will both be miserable for a very long life ahead of you. It's easy to feel compassion or whatever in the time of crisis, but if your heart can't maintain it - then you must be fair)

Anyway, I hope you both work this out. You are obviously a really nice guy who is a lot more understanding than your wife apparently believes you are. The key is figuring out how to convey to her just how understanding you are - with all the complexity and misunderstanding of male/female communication to contend with.

Best of luck.

P.S. - don't forget to take care of yourself through all this. You have been given a lot of stuff to deal with as well. The possiblility of no children, a wife who has suffered alone for some time with her condition, and also a wife whose answers to stress are appartently to walk away or withdraw for communicating. (I'm not judging her, as I see a lot of myself IN her) Anyway, try to find a friend or family member to talk to, or keep writing us, or even write in a journal - but don't forget to be kind to yourself as well as to her. You can't be superman and make this all okay immediately. You can only be gentle and understanding to her as well as yourself.

At Wed, 23 Jan 2002, anonymous wrote: >
>I'm sorry to be posting anonymously but it is to protect the privacy of
>my wife. I'm not even sure if I shoud even be posting to this board but
>I somehow feel compelled to seek further advice.
>A little over a wek ago my wife started seeming depressed, alot. When
>we finally sat down and talked to each other she said something that I
>never thought I'd hear from her. She told me she wanted a divorce, and
>her reason being that "she didn't want to be married anymore". After a
>while she came out and gave me the real reason, she has PCOS. I'd never
>heard of this before. I know that before we got married she said she
>had fertility problems but I was under the impression that we would be
>able to have children as long as some sort of hormonal treatment was
>applied. But I never knew how serious it really was. She said that she
>can't be married anymore knowing that we can never have what a married
>couple wants, children.
>Since then I've been reading as much as possible on PCOS. It seems that
>there is a chance but it costs quite alot of money. To me it would be
>worth it. I'd take on a second job just in order to pay for the
>treatments and hospital visits needed to accomplish this. I love my
>wife.
>What I need advised on is how should I comfort my wife? I'm scared to
>talk to her about this, she cries every time the subject is brought up
>and I can't bare to see her crying. I want to let her know that it is
>her that I married and not the idea of having children, though I really
>do want children, but I want her more. No time sems like the right time
>to talk to her, it's all I can do when we lie in bed at night to not cry
>about this. We are a young couple, around age 26 each, and we have been
>married for over 2 years, I'm afraid that I'll never see the third year
>come to pass. I want to be supportive to my wife and give her what she
>needs/wants to make it thru this, but I don't want to lose her. Does
>anyone have any advice on how I can be more supportive to her without
>making her think of not being able to have children while doing so?
>Thank you.

Next message: lynsey: "Re: birth control pills: can they make things worse?"
Previous message: lynsey: "Re: LMP Ovarian Cancer-Robin"
In reply to: anonymous: "Supportive husband"
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