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A poem of encouragement!From: Barbra (anonymous@obgyn.net)Sun, 6 Jan 2002 06:42:24 -0600 (CST)
Today I am going to try to live through this day only, and not dwell on or attempt to solve all my problems at once; just focus on the piece that is today. I can do something for several hours that would be difficult to even think about continuing for several months. Just for today, I am willing to accept the possibility that there is a purpose to this suffering; that it can be a source of meaning and growth for myself and others, though I may not always recognize the ways. And it seems possible that this suffering will not be in vain, because of what may be some kind of existence beyond. Just for today, let me remind myself that I am basically a worthwhile person, worth loving, despite my faults and limits. I deserve the efforts of others to help me through my illness. Just for today, I want to be aware that it is all right to want too much from others at times. Illness brings out and intensifies the small child in all of us. And if I feel hurt when those who care for me cannot be there, it may help to remember that they have needs, frailties, and limitations of their own. A lack of response does not mean that they are personally rejecting me. Today I may feel the need to complain a great deal; I may have little tolerance; I may cry; I may SCREAM,scream.,That does not mean that I am less courageous or strong. All are ways of expressing anger over this mess, of rightly mourning my losses. Endurance itself is courage.!!! It is my life at stake now. So maybe today I can allow myself to be a little less concerned about the reactions or impressions of others. Maybe I can allow myself to feel a little less guilty or bad about what I did not accomplish or give. Perhaps today I can be a little more gentle toward myself. !!! Surviving this is all so difficult. At times it seems impossible--that I have had enough. Down the line I will know if and when I have had enough, when I cannot push the limits any further. I will have the right to choose to stop, without feeling that I am "giving up." but today I think I can deal with this illness. Sorrow runs very deep, but I think I can rise again. *** Just for today, maybe I can give healing "the benefit of the doubt." The drugs are powerful; the natural healing capacity of my body is powerful. And who knows, perhaps there is healing power in my will to struggle,, and in the collective love and will of others. Just for today, ,,perhaps I can take heart that we are all connected. And I may still have some things left to contribute to the family of man; some light to add to the light. Even now my endurance (however imperfect) is a gift,, an inspiration for others in their struggles. It seems reasonable that there is a season for everything, and a time for every purpose. Pain, ,,weakness and exhaustion may distort my senses and spirit. Today, however, I can at least find some hope in nature's way, if not in some master plan. The chances are fairly good, and it seems worthwhile to hope that I will have some cycle of wellness yet. Perhaps,today,or yesterday;as all is the same for me,I finally received an answer to what I had been searching for,over a four year nightmare,to discover the "unimaginable",,"We think you have ovarian cancer". Perhaps,the reason I am unable to remember the things the doctor said to me,this early Sunday morning,is just because,I don't want to/Perhaps,Dr.Hanks,my MD,on Wednesday did me a big favour by not telling me and letting my psychatrist break the news in a positive manner.Perhaps,I already knew deep down on Wednesday,that something was not right,as I could see the look on the doctor's face;feel his warm hand touch mine with genuine care.I know,I must go in asap for further testing and am uncertain if I can do it;perhaps,I will be able too,if I feel the will to go on;but at times like now;I don't think that I want to. Perhaps,I am begging for courage;and/or strength! In reality,I don't even know "me" at all anymore. Perhaps,this nagging,undifferentiated diagnosis has finally popped it's head to surface;maybe my inner self created a disease,who knows. Perhaps,this is a blessing,as now,I know that now they have finally put a label on me,and for that,I am blessed.But maybe,I didn't really want to know;I am unsure.Why was I so adament on searching and searching and never straying from my myriad of symptoms;I kept it rigid,and no-one was going to tell me that what I was experiencing was stress,although,I do know,that stress causes dis-ease,yes,a body at DIS-Ease,always,never at peace,always giving me grief,;finding myself smiling thru it all,to show me as a strong person,that all thought I was,but guess what?,I don't believe I was EVER strong,;courage,yes,strong,NO! Perhaps,all this is happening for a reason,making me stronger,making me wiser,or perhaps,slowly taking my breath away. Perhaps,the reason that I sit here at this computer every nite,is meaning that I want to survive,I want to live my life,although,each day presents a most difficult task. Perhaps,the reason I am being distant and quiet,is the fact that I am in denial.I will have to learn to accept my limitations.I am everso great at playing "the healthy person",fooled you all,didn't I? Well,thru this all,I have learned one very important thing;"with friends;you can get through anything". Perhaps,the doctor that I disliked from the start,turned out to be a guardian angel,as he never gave up on me,when others did. Thru this all,I have made a very special relationship with my doctor,and for that,I am forever grateful. I have learned alot,hoping that none of you,ever have to go through what I have in the last few years. And,no,this is not the last letter,nor a pitty party,just something I wanted to write tonight,after my dear friend Ingrid came over like Johnney Quick Flash to offer comfort and compasssion,when my own mother could not find the right words to say to me and my grandmother hid in her room and my husband said"oh,it is probably another misdiagnosis,you'll be alright". Maybe it will,or ,maybe it won't,for it is some higher power up there,who knows the answer,and is telling me that this is what I have to go thru,during this so called,journey,called "life". I know,that I have not been writing lately to my friends,and I know that they are wondering why,"Is she going through another phase again"?? Well,yes,I am and for now,I want to say with all respect,that I am scared and frightened as if I was just hit by a lightening bolt. I knew that something still was not right,intuition,yes,that oldintuitive nature of mine. So,for now,if I seem distant or don't respond to any of you're emails,it is not that I don't want to,but at the moment,I feel,that I cannot. Perhaps,just forwarding some funnies my way this week,will add a little something to this nightmare of mine. I ask,that you please do that. So,perhaps,on that note,I will sit and think things thru,possibly coming to terms that I am not perfect,and that nothing in life is to be taken for granted,ever! I really don't know what possessed me to start to write this,but something did,so perhaps,some of you,will gain something from it. Hoping this made sense,perhaps,it didn't,but in my eyes,it did. Hugs, Barbra
-- Sincerely, Barbra Camara
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