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Re: Maybe I don't want kids anyway! (long)
From: Sally (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Tue, 18 Sep 2001 19:34:50 -0500 (CDT)
Hi Guys,
Yeah, this PCOS thing does get us thinking about health and family and
mortality. But it does not mean we can't have kids..... just maybe
more difficult - and adoption is an option.
That said I have just turned 31 and diagnosed with PCOS about 3 months
ago, no boyfriend in sight. I have always wanted a family but coming
from a family of 6 just assumed I would spit kids out like there is no
tomorrow when the time comes (sorry for the crudity) - now I find out
maybe that is probably not true. And my biological clock is ticking
loudly now. I have four sisters all married - one other confirmed
diagnosis with PCOS, another likely, a third (much younger than me) in
mid-pregnancy after a number of miscarriages (so she is also possibly
PCOS), and the fourth with a baby (?) - also started much earlier than
me). So this faces all of us women in my family - along with the
thought that we are genetically challenged. And I also have major lipid
and carb abnormalities (despite diet and lifestyle) ..... so there are
possibly long-term health consequences.... which scare me! The genetic
link does bother me.... what will I pass on to my kids! Assuming I have
that opportunity. And what a world we live in! I don't want to find a
guy just to procreate - I want a partner who will love me as I am, and I
him. Really hope all will work out.
Sorry just rambling on. Guess this is a good place for it.
Best wishes to Elle and Jodi and all of you.
Sally
At Tue, 18 Sep 2001, Elle wrote:
>
>Dear Jodi,
>
>Glad to see someone else writes epistles about stuff when they're trying
>to work through something!
>
>I was first given a dubious diagnosis while single and in the military
>at age 25 by a terribly unprofessional PA:
>"Honey, it'll be a rat's chance in hell if you ever get pregnant."
>
>Great bedside manner, eh? Well, even though I'd never thought about
>kids, it suddenly crushed me to think I'd never be given the chance to
>have them. I spent months mourning the chance to have kids. Later, I
>was told by my OBGYN that it was a terrible diagnosis by a hack. So, I
>assumed that the whole thing was misinformation, and forgot about it. I
>continued to have irregular cycles without much thought.
>
>I was married a few years later, and my husband and I started to try to
>have a child. I didn't have a cycle for almost a year, so I went to my
>OBGYN to ask what should be done. He said it looked as though I would
>start soon, so give it six more months and come see him. That one
>cycle, I got pregnant (age 28) with my daughter. High risk
>pregnancy/early birth/totally healthy preemie. Diagnosed with PCOS last
>year, and currently on Metformin. We are now trying again, with the
>help of Clomid, and I am 32.
>
>I wanted to tell you not to wish for a child soley because of the
>thought of having missed out. After experiencing motherhood, I can tell
>you two very important things I've learned. The first is this: Without
>two dedicated parents in a lifelong commitment to the child, the job of
>parenthood is almost impossible. Granted, many single parents (my mom,
>for one) do the job and succeed, but it's hard enough with two parents
>to raise a child well in this world. So I always encourage single
>people to wait unless they are prepared for their whole life to shift.
>The other lesson I learned is this: When a child is something you think
>you might want, you probably don't want to give up what you have in your
>life just yet. It sounds as though you have a lot of opportunities with
>your boyfriend that you'd like to explore. In my humble opinion,
>there's plenty of time for you to consider children/adoption later when
>you're ready. Parenthood is not hard to achieve if you consider
>adopting; my husband is adopted, as are my niece and nephew. And if the
>Clomid doesn't work out, we'll probably go right to adoption.
>
>I think you consider things in your life very thoroughly, so trust those
>instincts.
>
>Take care,
>Elle
>__________________________
>
>__________________________
>--
>__________________________
>>Wondering... has anyone else had the experience of not really wanting
>__________________________
>>kids all that much to begin with... then wanting them like nothing else
>>when you were told you might not be able to have them? I feel like
>>that's what happened with me, with PCOS. I used to think maybe I'd want
>>kids some day, but it wasn't any great, burning desire. I don't really
>>like little kids all that much. I never felt the need to coo and get
>>all gushy when someone else had a baby or toddler or little kid nearby.
>>I hated girls who went on and on about that whole biological clock
>>ticking thing... like a friend of mine who shall remain nameless whose
>>entire life revolved around sleeping around and "accidentally" getting
>>pregnant... her idea was the guy would marry her and she'd live happily
>>ever after in happy housewife heaven, and that's all she wanted her life
>>to be.
>>
>>(She never had any luck getting pregnant... I suspect she may have PCOS
>>as well and maybe it's nasty of me, but I never said a thing to her
>>about the possibility. If there's anyone who does not need to increase
>>her fertility... it's her!!! Yes, I know about the other health
>>risks... but all the same...)
>>
>>ANYWAY. Once I was told I had PCOS, I suddenly heard that damn clock
>>ticking myself. I was 23 when I was diagnosed, I am now 24. I feel
>>like, oh my god, if I don't start TRYING soon... I'm not ever going to
>>have a baby!!!!! Suddenly, every time I see a pregnant woman, or a woman
>>wth a stroller or a baby in her arms... I want to stab her with a dull
>>knife. When I see a house with a stroller or toys on the porch, I want
>>to egg it. Childish, I know... but I find myself thinking very nasty
>>thoughts about women with babies. My brother and his barely out of high
>>school gf having had a baby last december hasn't helped... it just rubs
>>in that here are two people in NO position to have a kid and they do so
>>without even trying! And she's only 19... damn.
>>
>>So some factors... I'm not married. Not even engaged. Not even sure
>>if/when that's gonna happen cuz my bf seems a little skittish about
>>marriage every time the topic comes up. Must admit, I'm somewhat
>>frightened at the prospect myself. We've both been on the kid-end of
>>nasty divorces, I wonder how much that affects such feelings. We're
>>definitely talking long term... but marriage seems to scare him. Weird
>>but... well, men. Need I say more? :-)
>>
>>I am in college. I will finally complete my undergrad degree this fall.
>>If I want to do anything with my life, though... I'm gonna have to go
>>to grad school. That's a couple more years of postponing kids. There's
>>no way I can stomach the idea of grad school now - I am completely and
>>totally burned out on the idea of school right now. Sick of it. Ready
>>to do some real work. That's a few more years of postponement... The
>>way I see it, I will be 30 before I am in any position to begin trying
>>to have a kid. And 30 seems... well, pretty old to start trying for a
>>first child. I mean, my mother was 30 when she had me, but I was her
>>second. And she wasn't fertility challeneged. If I start TRYING at
>>thirty... well, God alone knows when I will actually SUCCEED.
>>
>>Bummer. The more I think about this, the louder I hear that damn clock.
>>Tick! Tick! Tick! Why can't my bilogical clock be digital?????
>>
>>Until recently, I never really seriously considered grad school. I
>>wanted to get out, work a couple years, then start having kids. Well,
>>that was my plan for the last year. Before leanbing I had PCOS, grad
>>school DID fit into the picture. But since my boy is thinking grad
>>school... also not right away... I figure, things are gonna be
>>postponed till he's good and ready, I might as well make use of my time
>>in the meanwhile, right? Right. Unless, of course, I want to pull the
>>accidental pregnancy thing... which I have thought about... and which
>>I think would be possible, since I went off the BCP for a while and was
>>still having regular periods, thanks to the met I suppose...but the cons
>>outweigh the pros far too greatly. (One of the cons being, as cute as
>>my little niece is, as fat and gurgly and happy and adorable... I get
>>sorta bored with her after an hour, being slobbered on gets old really
>>fast, and I'm really glad that when she smells funny I can hand her to
>>someone else to change...)
>>
>>So yesterday, the boy says to me, we'll graduate school, move to
>>california (where he has a job offer), go to grad school, work a while,
>>make lots of money, then move to vermont, make more money, and backpack
>>all the time. Well, I must admit... I've always wanted to live in new
>>england. And i've had this fear for some time now that... staying with
>>my bf would mean choosing between living where i've always wanted to
>>live... and living with him. California is beautiful in its way but...
>>oh, giving up an autumn on the east coast would be horrible!!!!!! He
>>said, what do you think of that? I said, What the hell am I going to do
>>to make lots of money? (He's a computer programmer, so making a lots
>>money is a certainty. I'm a psych and history major. I could well find
>>myself flipping burgers...) I was thinking, Do kids figure in here???
>>But I didn't ask, because, like with marriage, I didn't want to press a
>>frightening issue... and then the more I thought about it, the more I
>>thought, why do I care? I didn't want kids all that badly before I knew
>>about PCOS. If I did ever have kids, I thought all about adoption,
>>because there are too damn many people in the world, there's no need to
>>make more of them. Sometimes I think PCOS exists because of this. I
>>think a lot of diseases we are trying to eradicate or treat or whatever
>>... really serve a purpose. When a species grows too large, things
>>happen to kill off members... make other members infertile... we keep
>>fighting nature. I really feel that infertility serves a need, it is
>>natural selection at work...
>>
>>But damn, enter PCOS... and suddenly thinking I had no CHOICE in the
>>matter really threw me for a loop. I have spent the last year obsessing
>>over whether or not I could have a baby!!!
>>
>>I'm npt saying my mind is now made up to never have kids. I'm just
>>saying it bugs me how PCOS has put having kids so much at the front of
>>my mind...
>>
>>Anyone else feel like this has happened?
>>
>>One thing that still makes em waver, though... our neighbor just had a
>>mastectomy. Things are not looking good for her... the cancer already
>>made it to her lung. It scares me to think of cancer... having a
>>breast removed... dying... and I know that never having kids, or
>>having the first child after age 30 (or is it 35?) rasises your cancer
>>risks... as does starting to menstruate early in life... Anyone know
>>why??? If having a kid will keep me from getting breast cancer (maybe)
>>then suddenly motherhood is appealing for a very selfish reason!!!
>>Wondering if all the months I've gone without periods is as good from a
>>breast conacer standpoint as being pregnant... fearing, it probably
>>isn't... but does anyone know?
>>
>>Sorry for rambling so long... it just such a lot to have been thinking
>>about over the past less than 24 hours...
>>
>>- jodi
>
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