Re: OT to Faye Re: Down Down Down
From: faye (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Sun, 10 Jun 2001 02:04:32 -0500 (CDT)
At Sat, 9 Jun 2001, AdoptASAP wrote
>
>I would have emailed privately but you left no email. I am not trying
>to be mean or sound aweful but do you want your kids to grow up and live
>in a relationship like you have with your husband?
>
>If you cant be equal in a marriage then what kind of life is that? Kids
>learn from their parents..they either follow in their footsteps or do
>the complete opposite. They may be learning from you that this is how
>marriage is and this is how a wife should be.
>
>Again, I am only putting the point of view from your kids instead of the
>way a wife/hubby may see it. Are cars, house, items important as being
>a human being? Do you want to live another 23 years like this? You
>married young and deserve to live the way YOU want to live.
>
>I dont take these statements lightly, I have been litterally homeless
>before, I also have been poor the first 9 years of our lives together.
>We have been married 9 years, together 11.
>
>There are resources out there for you and your husband will have to pay
>alimony and child support but you can show your kids how life is
>supposed to be...equal, enjoyed, and to its fullest.
>
>I really do wish you the best and am not being judgemental. Just hoping
>you see another angle to the life you are leading if you havent thought
>about it already...which I am sure you have.
>
>Good luck Faye, I really mean that. Starting over is not easy and
>living the way you are living is also not easy. There is no right
>answer here but know I am praying for you and your family.
>
>At Sat, 9 Jun 2001, anonymous wrote:
>>
>>I'm really sorry anyone has to go through things like you go through and
>>truely I understand. Hello my name is Faye and I too live with a POOP
>>head hubby..
>>sounds like a good name for a support group eh?
>>When I read your letter I kept asking myself If someone else was married
>>to my hubby, I am sorry to find someone else goes through this.
>>This was my soulution to the hubby problem and I hope it helps.. I
>>married hubby when I was 14 years old, I am now 37 with two children,
>>PCOS and heart problems, After years of stressing, crying, thinking of
>>leaving, even thinking of ways to get rid of him (ONLY THINKING) I
>>decided on a few things. I closed out my personal bank account and had
>>my disability checks direct deposited into HIS account. I didnt pay any
>>bills or ask for money, about the third month when we had no electric,
>>phone or water he finaly ask why? I explained it to him this way..
>>I felt we no longer had a marriage, we had an emplorer/employee
>>relationship,
>>Since neither one of us had chosen to leave the marriage we had to come
>>to terms of what we did have and this to me was the best soulution.
>>I keep the house, take care of our children, see to the daily running of
>>the home, take the kids to where ever they need to be. In return I get
>>my own bedroom, bathroom, and two days a week OFF ( unless i wanna do
>>something with kids). When the bill collectors call I say, well Im not
>>in charge of the bills and he will be home at 6 please call back then.
>>When they call back I hand him the phone. On shopping day I ask him to
>>write a check out to the STORE and exactly what he wants that week. The
>>kids get to nag HIM for the clothes or the chips or whatever. When they
>>ask me, I dont have any money...
>>I dont open the mail anymore, I refuse to be the secratary for his clubs
>>unless I am paid. When I go shopping and I get everything on his list,
>>I take along sale papers from other stores. Wal-mart will honor any
>>competetors price. Weekly I keep around 50 bucks which is actually more
>>than I would have if we did things the old way. If he should want some
>>companionship I charge by the hour..
>>I know you guys are saying I should just leave, but I worked just as
>>hard to have a nice home, cars and great kids, why should I be the one
>>to up and leave and settle for less, what would I do? Live on goverment
>>assistance in housing project? That would be like saying the Poop head
>>won!
>>This arrangement with my Poop head has been going on for 3 years now, I
>>am soo much stress free, he is sooo stressed out. I hear him saying
>>things like all I do is work, work and no one appreciates it. Or the
>>best one, I dont have anytime to myself anymore. He even ask me if I
>>thought he had PCOS,I said yes and suggested he see a gynacologist, He
>>has no clue as to what any of this ment but I like to think he ask his
>>doctor for a referal.. HA HA well I guess Im a wicked witch, but self
>>preservation is my goal.
>>Secretly I hope that someday we can be a (normal) couple again and I do
>>see him changing in alot of positive ways, we dont argue anymore and I
>>am less stressed and therfore more easy to live with I suppose but for
>>now this is how it has to be. I hope this helps Joan.
>>Faye.
Thank you for your concern, I really dont feel unequal. What I feel is
relief! My children are older and they understand why I needed to do
this. Being less stressed has let me live my life and actually have fun
instead of worrying 24/7. I have more important things to do than
worry. Like spending time with my children and not yelling or fighting
with their Dad. Please understand, I would NEVER say a word against him
to my kids. He is just a difficult person to deal with and they realize
this.
As far as leaving and getting support, been there,done that, been poor,
lived in a 1967 Cadiliac for 3 months. I am not healthy enough to do it
again. I'm sure you will agree it takes alot of energy finding,
getting, and keeping gov. assistance. I'm positive if I had private
ins. instead of a medical card years ago I wouldnt be as sick as I am
now.
What I ment by working hard for things, ie House, cars is that I worked
and put my DH through 8 years of school. Half of everything is already
mine and that means half of the mortgage is mine and half of the car
payments. etc. Divorcing and splitting the property would be a
finacial disaster for all of us.
*****
I would like to say your research and report about Vaniqa was
excellent!! I have been trying to get information for a couple months
and thank you for sharing it with us.
I suppose its like every thing in this world, what works for some, isnt
right for others. :)
Best wishes
Faye.
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