PCOS Messages for May, 2001: Re: insensitive friend question (sort of long and involved!)

Re: insensitive friend question (sort of long and involved!)

From: Celeste (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Thu, 31 May 2001 09:56:46 -0500 (CDT)

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At Thu, 31 May 2001, Alicia wrote: >

Well, his reaction to the beard does reflect a cultural preference against beards on women. They are an indicator that something unhealthy is wrong and that gal surely knows it but clearly isn't bothered enough by it to even keep it shaved or trimmed up. I have a female friend who said almost exactly the same thing around me once, and while she is probably smart enough to handle a discussion about what I know about endocrine disorders in women, I just didn't want to go there. I don't want to be a poster child, ya know? Besides, I have had so many people not really believe that this is anything and I often get tired of having to carry the flag.

Your friend has the luxury of ignorance about what can go wrong with the body. I can't imagine being a woman in our culture and being okay with a beard showing; I could never do it, and will pluck away and search for treatments. You could tell your friend what you know and decide for yourself on what to reveal on why you know it. He might have more compassion for the person he is talking about. Women tend to read lots of articles about health and talk to others about health problems and doctor visits, so you could always pass off your knowledge to that; the average guy doesn't even know how a pap smear works, so it's not like they will debate anything you say about it. It's hard to say if he thought the anti-hair cream Vaniqa would help her or just make the world a prettier place for him to look at. All the cream in the world isn't going to take away that woman's risk of getting cancer or diabetes from PCOS, though. One thing to think about is that the more people talk about it all, the more people will find help for it. I told somebody at work about my problems, and she told me when a coworker's daughter came down with it. I was able to give this mom some articles to show her that yes it was a big deal and bcps weren't enough and Met can reverse a lot of problems when teens take it and here's the number of a very helpful doc, and guess what, the girl's doing a lot better under treatment. Just a thought!!! ;o)

>This is more of a personal situation semi-related to PCOS, but I am
>looking for opinions on how to handle it.
>
>I have a male friend with whom I talk quite a bit. (He used to like me,
>but I decided we were better as friends.) He does not know about PCOS
>and I don't think he needs to know. He's just a friend after all. Well,
>the other day we were sitting and drinking coffee at Starbucks and he
>brings up this woman he saw with a full beard. He said he always sees
>her when he's leaving work and she looks at him with a crazy expression.
>He goes on and on about how there are creams and things to help with
>that. And that, definitively, women should not have beards. He almost
>sounded offended by her existence.
>
>My response was to smile and say, "Oh, really?"
>
>My own paranoia and experience has caused me to examine this
>conversation in several ways.
>
>One, was he telling me this to try and tell ME something, as in, "I
>notice something on your face, too. So what's up with that?" (It could
>be spiteful, seing as I turned him down as a romantic interest last
>year.)
>
>Or is he just a misinformed and insensitive man (who is far from a
>perfect specimen himself) voicing his opinion about women (as some men
>feel they are entitled to do)?
>
>And how should I have handled this? I could have launched in to a story
>about PCOS, and how it's a common and "legitimate" reason for a woman to
>have a beard. (But I didn't want him to start staring at my chin and
>asking me if I have it.)
>
>Any opinions? I am slightly annoyed by his comments and next time he
>says anything like that I want to be prepared. I guess I am offended
>that HE seemed so offended by this woman's face!

--
Celeste

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In reply to: Alicia: "insensitive friend question (sort of long and involved!)"
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