Re: insensitive friend question (sort of long and involved!)
From: Tricia (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Thu, 31 May 2001 09:52:55 -0500 (CDT)
Alicia,
The situation you describe is similar many of us face daily with a
number of issues: race, weight, general looks. It is difficult to
remember that another persons words have nothing to do with you, but
with themselves. People feel power when they can put down someone else
for whatever reason. I usually will add a small saying such as "people
shouldn't be judged for that reason", or "I don't want to hear that type
of language (if I am really offended)" The point is that you want to say
something so you don't feel like a participant in the bad-mouthing, but
you don't want to make such a big deal about it that someone thinks you
are being "overly sensitive". Not all of us can be Maya Angelou and
point and yell across a room to tell someone to stop their negative
language, but we can show our sensitivity and class subtlely. The more
you think about it, the more you will be prepared the next time a
similar situation arrives.
Best of luck to you and all of us on our quest for answers!
At Thu, 31 May 2001, Alicia wrote:
>
>This is more of a personal situation semi-related to PCOS, but I am
>looking for opinions on how to handle it.
>
>I have a male friend with whom I talk quite a bit. (He used to like me,
>but I decided we were better as friends.) He does not know about PCOS
>and I don't think he needs to know. He's just a friend after all. Well,
>the other day we were sitting and drinking coffee at Starbucks and he
>brings up this woman he saw with a full beard. He said he always sees
>her when he's leaving work and she looks at him with a crazy expression.
>He goes on and on about how there are creams and things to help with
>that. And that, definitively, women should not have beards. He almost
>sounded offended by her existence.
>
>My response was to smile and say, "Oh, really?"
>
>My own paranoia and experience has caused me to examine this
>conversation in several ways.
>
>One, was he telling me this to try and tell ME something, as in, "I
>notice something on your face, too. So what's up with that?" (It could
>be spiteful, seing as I turned him down as a romantic interest last
>year.)
>
>Or is he just a misinformed and insensitive man (who is far from a
>perfect specimen himself) voicing his opinion about women (as some men
>feel they are entitled to do)?
>
>And how should I have handled this? I could have launched in to a story
>about PCOS, and how it's a common and "legitimate" reason for a woman to
>have a beard. (But I didn't want him to start staring at my chin and
>asking me if I have it.)
>
>Any opinions? I am slightly annoyed by his comments and next time he
>says anything like that I want to be prepared. I guess I am offended
>that HE seemed so offended by this woman's face!
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