Re: I am killing myself!!
From: Virginia (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Thu, 5 Jul 2001 02:23:03 -0500 (CDT)
I think all of us here understand you and we are here for you.
Personally I think you need to learn to love yourself. Your low self
esteem is making you date the slime of the universe. Your men are pigs
and not worth it. I am 256lbs and only 5ft2" tall - so I am obese. I
have found men who like large women - and some of them have been very
"hot" men. Shallow men are just not worth the effort. One of my
friends is anorexic looking thin and she recently got dumped because her
boyfriend complained that she had no tits. There will always be mean
men like this around.
Apparently there is a web site for large people dating - I read it in
People magazine - no thinnies allowed. These people love themselves for
who they are and support those who need to know how wonderful they are.
I am not sure of the exact name - it is something like fat.net or
fat.com - surf and see.
You sound like such a warm, loving and sensitive person - if you were
not you would not be able to feel this way. If you need somebody to
talk to on email please this is my address toprocks@toprocks.com I am in
South Africa so I am probably around when it is the middle of the night
for you and maybe your friends have gone to sleep and you feel like
talking.
Also remember that PCOS does cause depression as a side effect and you
may need some sort of medication to help balance it out - but from an
endocrynologist not a shrink. (they will give you a pat on the head and
a handful of prozac).
I think I feel for you so much because I have been where you are now.
There is hope and there is sunshine and there is a world of nice people
out there if you look in the light.
As that corny song goes LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF IS THE GREATEST LOVE
OF ALL. Once you can do that - everything else starts to fall into
place.
Remember we are all here for you
With love and light
--
Virginia
At Wed, 4 Jul 2001, anonymous wrote:
>
>I have always been over weight and bothered by it. I met and married a
>man who told me he would not marry me unless I lost twenty pounds before
>the wedding..I did it..and married into hell. I was called fat and ugly
>on a daily basis. The abuse was so horrible that by the time I left I
>didnt even feel alive anymore. I didnt wear make up or even care what
>clothes I wore. I met a guy online once I had my own apartment...and
>you guessed it..I lied about my weight. I have never had a connection
>to another human like this. We laughed and talked for hours and hours
>everyday. He said he loved me for my personality and my sense of humor.
>My artistic abilities...basically he loved me for me. He wanted over
>and over to meet. I finally told him the truth...fully expecting to
>never hear from him again. He told me he still loved me...would always
>love me. He still wanted to meet me and assured me everyday and every
>second his feelings would never change. So I did it. It took every
>ounce of strentgh I had. We spent two days together. He told me on the
>first phone call once he got home that he couldnt do it. He said he
>loved me but he couldnt change the way he felt. His last words to me
>was that he felt like he was losing a part of his heart...but he still
>let me go because of my weight. That was 5 months ago...I weighed 256
>lbs then...I now weigh 179 lbs. I have stopped eating. And when I do
>eat I make myself puke it back up. I know I am killing myself..but I
>cant stop. The back of my throat is in terrible shape..I am hoarse when
>I talk. My legs look better..but I cant wear shorts cuz they are
>covered in bruises. I am weak and I am tired. My hair is falling
>out....but you know what??? People say I look better...how f#cking sad
>is that??? It is not just because of him..it's what he did to me. It's
>like some mental block in my head...I start to eat...I think of it (and
>I try hard not too) and I think...this man wanted me...he cried because
>he hated himself for doing what he did..I must be so horrible that even
>someone who loved me could not look at me. I have 0 self worth..I
>punish myself with the pain of starving and I dont know how to stop. I
>look in the mirror and I dont even know me anymore. I have hip bones
>now...I can see the muscles and tendons in my neck. I went from a size
>26 to a size 13/14...people ask what my goal weight is..I dont have a
>clue cuz I dont even know what I am doing anymore. When I talk to him
>now he is cold...it kills me that when I was "skinny and beautiful" that
>if I so much as wimpered he was right there for me..loving me for who I
>was...now because I am fat my pain is a nuisance to him. I dont even
>tell him I have lost weight...getting him back is not why I do it. I do
>it because I hate myself and who I am. This world is not a place for
>fat people. It is cold and cruel and unloving. We are looked down upon
>and most times unloved. I dont want to be fat...and I dont necassarily
>want to be in this world. I think I am killing myself and I am picking
>the most painful way to do it that I can.
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