Re: I am killing myself!!
From: Renee (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Wed, 04 Jul 2001 11:35:21 -0700
Please, PLEASE get some help. You sound very depressed and you have an eating
disorder. You are right. You are killing yourself. I am willing to say that
everyone on this list would hate to see that happen. You are a person with so
much good within you. You didn't sign it, and I don't know you, but from your
e-mail I can tell that you are a good person who has a lot of love inside you.
I can tell that you want to change what you're doing to yourself. Otherwise
you wouldn't be writing this.
Look in your local phone book for suicide prevention hotlines. I think you
need to talk to a skilled person, even anonymously now. Then, get some mental
health help. You can ask your physician for referrals. Or, you could even go
to the emergency room of your local hospital. They could get you the help you
need right now.
It will take courage and strength. We are all there by your side. Hopefully
you have someone there with you that you can turn to. A parent, sibling,
friend, cousin, who can go with you to a doctor visit and support you.
Please let us know how you are. We want to keep hearing that you are ok, and
getting healthier.
Renee
anonymous wrote:
>
> I have always been over weight and bothered by it. I met and married a
> man who told me he would not marry me unless I lost twenty pounds before
> the wedding..I did it..and married into hell. I was called fat and ugly
> on a daily basis. The abuse was so horrible that by the time I left I
> didnt even feel alive anymore. I didnt wear make up or even care what
> clothes I wore. I met a guy online once I had my own apartment...and
> you guessed it..I lied about my weight. I have never had a connection
> to another human like this. We laughed and talked for hours and hours
> everyday. He said he loved me for my personality and my sense of humor.
> My artistic abilities...basically he loved me for me. He wanted over
> and over to meet. I finally told him the truth...fully expecting to
> never hear from him again. He told me he still loved me...would always
> love me. He still wanted to meet me and assured me everyday and every
> second his feelings would never change. So I did it. It took every
> ounce of strentgh I had. We spent two days together. He told me on the
> first phone call once he got home that he couldnt do it. He said he
> loved me but he couldnt change the way he felt. His last words to me
> was that he felt like he was losing a part of his heart...but he still
> let me go because of my weight. That was 5 months ago...I weighed 256
> lbs then...I now weigh 179 lbs. I have stopped eating. And when I do
> eat I make myself puke it back up. I know I am killing myself..but I
> cant stop. The back of my throat is in terrible shape..I am hoarse when
> I talk. My legs look better..but I cant wear shorts cuz they are
> covered in bruises. I am weak and I am tired. My hair is falling
> out....but you know what??? People say I look better...how f#cking sad
> is that??? It is not just because of him..it's what he did to me. It's
> like some mental block in my head...I start to eat...I think of it (and
> I try hard not too) and I think...this man wanted me...he cried because
> he hated himself for doing what he did..I must be so horrible that even
> someone who loved me could not look at me. I have 0 self worth..I
> punish myself with the pain of starving and I dont know how to stop. I
> look in the mirror and I dont even know me anymore. I have hip bones
> now...I can see the muscles and tendons in my neck. I went from a size
> 26 to a size 13/14...people ask what my goal weight is..I dont have a
> clue cuz I dont even know what I am doing anymore. When I talk to him
> now he is cold...it kills me that when I was "skinny and beautiful" that
> if I so much as wimpered he was right there for me..loving me for who I
> was...now because I am fat my pain is a nuisance to him. I dont even
> tell him I have lost weight...getting him back is not why I do it. I do
> it because I hate myself and who I am. This world is not a place for
> fat people. It is cold and cruel and unloving. We are looked down upon
> and most times unloved. I dont want to be fat...and I dont necassarily
> want to be in this world. I think I am killing myself and I am picking
> the most painful way to do it that I can.
>
--
Renee Cordrey, MSPT, MPH, CWS
---
Don't follow in the footsteps of the masters. Seek what they sought.
--Zen saying
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