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I am killing myself!!From: anonymous (anonymous@obgyn.net)Wed, 4 Jul 2001 12:10:16 -0500 (CDT)
I have always been over weight and bothered by it. I met and married a man who told me he would not marry me unless I lost twenty pounds before the wedding..I did it..and married into hell. I was called fat and ugly on a daily basis. The abuse was so horrible that by the time I left I didnt even feel alive anymore. I didnt wear make up or even care what clothes I wore. I met a guy online once I had my own apartment...and you guessed it..I lied about my weight. I have never had a connection to another human like this. We laughed and talked for hours and hours everyday. He said he loved me for my personality and my sense of humor. My artistic abilities...basically he loved me for me. He wanted over and over to meet. I finally told him the truth...fully expecting to never hear from him again. He told me he still loved me...would always love me. He still wanted to meet me and assured me everyday and every second his feelings would never change. So I did it. It took every ounce of strentgh I had. We spent two days together. He told me on the first phone call once he got home that he couldnt do it. He said he loved me but he couldnt change the way he felt. His last words to me was that he felt like he was losing a part of his heart...but he still let me go because of my weight. That was 5 months ago...I weighed 256 lbs then...I now weigh 179 lbs. I have stopped eating. And when I do eat I make myself puke it back up. I know I am killing myself..but I cant stop. The back of my throat is in terrible shape..I am hoarse when I talk. My legs look better..but I cant wear shorts cuz they are covered in bruises. I am weak and I am tired. My hair is falling out....but you know what??? People say I look better...how f#cking sad is that??? It is not just because of him..it's what he did to me. It's like some mental block in my head...I start to eat...I think of it (and I try hard not too) and I think...this man wanted me...he cried because he hated himself for doing what he did..I must be so horrible that even someone who loved me could not look at me. I have 0 self worth..I punish myself with the pain of starving and I dont know how to stop. I look in the mirror and I dont even know me anymore. I have hip bones now...I can see the muscles and tendons in my neck. I went from a size 26 to a size 13/14...people ask what my goal weight is..I dont have a clue cuz I dont even know what I am doing anymore. When I talk to him now he is cold...it kills me that when I was "skinny and beautiful" that if I so much as wimpered he was right there for me..loving me for who I was...now because I am fat my pain is a nuisance to him. I dont even tell him I have lost weight...getting him back is not why I do it. I do it because I hate myself and who I am. This world is not a place for fat people. It is cold and cruel and unloving. We are looked down upon and most times unloved. I dont want to be fat...and I dont necassarily want to be in this world. I think I am killing myself and I am picking the most painful way to do it that I can.
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