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Hospital humor -- longFrom: CheriCNM@aol.comMon Oct 7 12:26:24 1996
The following "memo" has been circulating around my hospital this week. Thought you might enjoy it. TO: All Hospital Nursing Staff FROM: Administration/Grounds Keeping Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures Date: September 9, 1996 Effective October 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties. Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Pizza Hut, etc. before meal time. Coin operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patients may wish to make. Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided. As you can see on the "From" line above, administration is assuming grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed-whacker, etc. Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than 2 x-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by One Hour Photo Lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one; and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. One Hour Photo will also honor competitor coupons. In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the power company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc. so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting molding compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and will coincidentally soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMO's formulary. Cheri Van Hoover, CNM San Francisco, CA Who wishes it wasn't so true.
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