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birth plan- FridayFrom: chris stanley (nd84md@aol.com)Sun Jul 14 17:28:02 2002
a birth plan submited by a patient of mine- an L+D nurse with a sense of humor My Birth Plan In an attempt to make the delivery and the birth of our son as complicated as possible, we have decided to put in writing our plan to govern the actions of any health care provider that enters the LDR, because the lady on the internet said we could. The labor and delivery of our son will be induced as early as possible, by whatever means necessary, including but not limited to, off label uses of ?dangerous? anti-ulcer medications. Basically, whenever I say its time, its time. We look forward to as high tech and invasive a labor experience as possible. We expect fetal monitoring, tocometry, scalp sampling, pulse oximetry, and if available, PUBS to be initiated post haste. We believe that God works through the polymers of the epidural catheter. Thus, an epidural at registration would be appreciated. Visitors should be limited to those bearing expensive and/or tasteful gifts. Under no circumstance will soothing ?mood music? be played during our special time. We expect continuous ?Funky Sounds of the 70?s? and Earth Wind and Fire to fill the room with outrageous dancing beat. If anyone comes near me with olive oil not destined for a salad, they will be kicked in the head. We plan for the father to deliver our son. Should he get the vapors and pass out, fall to the ground and have the baby bounce off his chest, and, while still attached to the umbilical cord, end up in my arms; we reserve the right to sue ourselves for his future fear of heights. If labor is taking too long and the doctor has dinner plans or tee time approaching, then forceps or vacuum are ok with us. We would hope the nursing staff would respect my wish for a Top Shelf El Grande Margarita as soon as possible after cord clamping.
-- cj stanley md facog daytona beach, fl
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