Re: FRI Professionalism in Medicine: w/ modifications
From: art fougner, md (evsono@pipeline.com)
Wed Jul 3 09:32:56 2002
jeez Joe -
i think i've just read the next technical bulletin LOL
you should give cme credits
way to go!
art
At Wed, 3 Jul 2002, DoctorJoe@aol.com wrote:
>
>Professionalism in Medicine: According to THE MAN
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>I have practiced medicine since 1978, first as a resident and fellow,
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>then ... well, yada, yada, yada. In my experience,
>I have observed that very few physicians used to falter because of a lack of
>intellect or a major deficit in technical skills. Nowadays, however, we
>seem
>to have some real rocket scientists (NOT) in our ranks. However, a few that
>are not successful in their practice have difficulty because of poor
>professional behavior. Medicine demands an exceptionally high standard
>of professionalism, and I offer the following A-Z primer as a reminder of
>a few rules of good behavior in medical practice, specifically practice for
>the
>OB-GYN.
>
>A is for arrogance. This is the stuff of SURGEONS. Although we in ob-gyn
>are considered surgical subspecialists, we are NOT real surgeons. Therefore,
>we
>are not entitled to the right of arrogance. Pure and simple. While some GYN
>oncologists border on being surgeons, and as such can be arrogant a little
>bit and
>on occasion, the rest of us must NOT try to be surgeons. We're just
>gynecologists.
>[This does not apply to ob-gyns who are chairmen - arrogance is a job
>requirement
>for them.]
>
>B is for benevolence. Dictators can be benevolent. Gynecologists are
>doctors. Where
>did this come from??? I've never heard of a gynecologist who was a dictator.
>[Exception:
>the chairman - see above.]
>
>C is for compassion. Compassion is what we have nurses for. It's not our
>fault that RNs
>all want to be nurse-administrators and wear high heels and business suits
>and push paper.
>We can't do their jobs for them. Write the orders, get in your car, and get
>to the office!
>
>D is for dogma. Remember that it's a short trip from DOGMA to DOGSH*T. If
>someone
>tells you they do such-and-such because that's the way they always do it, or
>that's the way
>their teacher always did it, WATCH OUT. There's always someone lurking with
>some
>RCT from the New Guinea Journal of Zoological Astrophysics that says what
>you're doing
>is NOT evidence-based. And he'll pass that along to the lawyers... Always
>think of a
>scientific excuse for what you're doing. [Exception: Chairmen do what they're
>doing because
>they're chairmen - no other excuse is needed.]
>
>E is for an even temperament. Remember, the more even and predictable your
>are, the
>easier it will be for an assassin to get you. Always act differently, take a
>different route
>to the office, and generally keep a low profile. Remember the word NINJA and
>you'll
>survive longer. Importantly, medical records personell are ALWAYS the ones to
>find
>you - be suspicious of them.
>
>F is for fair minded. Be fair in your dealings with insurance companies.
>Those that
>hold your payment the longest, charge the most. If they complain, there's a
>class action
>suit in the Federal Circuits that you can join...
>
>G is for good humor. Always laugh and appear jovial. That way, when
>something bad
>happens, no one will realize it until you've had a chance to leave the OR.
>[Exception: A
>chairman is only jovial when he's doing something bad to you - HE'S not
>leaving... take
>a hint.]
>
>H is for honesty and humility. Always tell the truth. Just be damned sure
>that you
>don't tell the truth to the wrong person! Humility, on the other hand, is for
>INTERNISTS.
>They can't operate, and they know it. They need to be humble because... well,
>just because
>they should be. They thought they were so damned smart in medical school
>and... well, you
>know. [NOTE: If one is honest and humble, one will never be a chairman.]
>
>I is for insight. Always keep an eye on your partners. They are probably
>scheming to do
>something bad to you, even if it's just an embarassing birthday party when
>you turn 50 or
>something. [NOTE: Keep TWO eyes on the chairman... he's scheming as part of
>his job
>description.]
>
>J is for judgment. Avoid judgment at all costs. Stay out of court, stay out
>of credentialling
>hearings, stay out of ANY forum where anyone can judge you. They will ALWAYS
>find
>something wrong, because if they didn't, they'd be out of a job. [The
>chairman? Don't even
>go there...]
>
>K is for knowledge. As always, it's not WHAT you know, but WHO you know.
>'Nuf said.
>
>L is for listen. You can learn a lot by hearing the nurses' whisperings.
>See "NINJA" above.
>
>M is for modesty, a trait that complements humility. If you look too flashy
>or attractive,
>SOMEONE will be jealous, and they'll probably be on some committee somewhere
>(see "JUDGMENT"
>above.)
>
>N is for negativism. Underscore this: NO negativism!!!!
>
>O is for open mindedness. Remember to be open to new and wonderful
>things. Any friend can stab you in the back, and your worst enemy may end
>up a valued ally (although you don't ever trust him, you can still get some
>mileage
>out of him...) [NOTE: Chairmen are forbidden to exhibit open mindedness. See
>DOGMA
>above...]
>
>P is for promptness. Always be home on time. Your spouse and/or children
>must be kept
>happy, or they'll hound you to death and keep your from sleep. Also, you
>don't want to
>get a cold dinner (except pizza, which is actually good when microwaved).
>
>Q is for quizzical. When asked for an opinion, always give a quizzical look
>and keep on
>walking. If someone pins you down on any given question, it can be used
>against you later.
>(See JUDGMENT above, and also NINJA.)
>
>R is for reliable. Always keep your car reliable, in good repair (unless
>you're one of those damned
>Europeans or Manhattanites who can ride busses everywhere). Since most
>hospitals and
>other healthcare institutions won't let you carry a gun, your car is your
>next best friend. It
>will get you out of trouble, get you to the bank, get you to the golf course,
>etc. if you treat
>it well. Name your car a sexy name and keep her (or him) clean and running
>smoothly. (P.S.
>Do NOT name a car CHRISTINE, and do not name a car after your chairman.)
>
>S is for sensitivity. Feelings - nothing more than feelings....
>
>T is for tact. Never tell anyone what you actually think of them. They may
>be (1) on a
>committee (See JUDGMENT, above); (2) a future chairman; (3) a future spouse;
>(4) a
>federal undercover officer; (5) a member of Al-Quaida.
>
>U is for user friendly. Make sure you use a MACINTOSH. Windoze sux, and the
>rest are
>just plain hard to find parts for.
>
>V is for vigor. No, it's really for Viagra. All the patients want it, so
>just give it to them and
>they'll probably pay cash.
>
>W is for work ethic. Make sure you farm out as much of your work as
>possible before you
>start on it yourself. After all, it interferes with your working to have to
>call people and ask
>them to do this or that. At home, give assignments out to the kids BEFORE you
>lock
>yourself up in your office and turn on your computer. [NOTE: Chairmen have...
>ah, well,
>you can figure THAT one out yourself...]
>
>X is for eXacting standards. No it doesn't. It stands for Xenophobia. No
>one likes a stranger.
>So never go somewhere else. Always stay in your own briar patch, and FIGHT
>LIKE HELL if
>someone tries to kick you out of it. In the old days, you could SHOOT
>varmints who tried to
>run you off the homestead. Oh, to bring back the good old... (snip)
>
>Y is for yourself. Always think of yourself first. If you don't keep
>yourself happy and in
>good working order, you won't do anyone else any good. This is so elementary,
>it's amazing
>that no one knows about it.
>
>Z is for zero tolerance. Don't be tolerant of zeroes. If someone can't pull
>his own weight,
>wash your hands of him. You can't be expected to do everyone else's work.
>Also, if you
>persist in hanging out with zeroes, when the chairman or the committee (or
>the nurses)
>finally decide to "take him out," you may get hit as acceptable collateral
>damage.
>
>I conclude with several simple suggestions:
>(1) always wear clean underwear with no holes (includes bras)
>(2) always brush your teeth (includes tongue)
>(3) if red lights go on in your car, GET THEM LOOKED AT
>(4) be kind to animals - they're the only real friends you have
>(5) it's okay to wear fur - the animals are already dead, use them
>(6) it's okay to eat meat - ditto
>(7) adult dose of furosemide IS REALLY your age plus your BUN
>(8) remember, people working at fast food restaurants REALLY ARE
> liberal artsy people - don't expect them to know math
>(9) smile at children
>(10) look in the mirror - this is how people see you
>
>THE MAN
>
--
art fougner, md
ich bin ein New Yorker
