Re: Happy New Year: Some jokes from late-night TV
From: art fougner, md (evsono@pipeline.com)
Tue Jan 1 09:38:38 2002
Clearly, the best of 2001. bienvenidos 2002!
art
At Mon, 31 Dec 2001, jafar6 wrote:
>
>Hope you like these:
>
>Jokes about bin Laden, the Taliban and the War on Terrorism, from Late-Night
>Telivision,
>
>"The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing
>Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has
>made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered
>several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And
>if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet
>'n' Wild Spring Break'" ‹Conan O'Brien
>
>"Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner with
>a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy." ‹David Letterman
>
>"One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties,
>dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a
>compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the
>rocks and dirt back." ‹Comedian Al Franken
>"They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are
>not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his
>Toyota." ‹David Letterman
>
>"Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow.
>So, that means six more weeks of bombing." ‹David Letterman
>
>"According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a
>gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama
>also has a gun, this could work out okay." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two
>women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have
>to show her ankles to to get that job?" ‹Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's
>"Weekend Update"
>
>"More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins
>when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to
>be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't
>get paid. If you're found, you get killed." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes,
>and he's married to five of them." ‹David Letterman
>
>"The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want
>them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem getting
>into this country." ‹David Letterman
>
>"It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in
>Afghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look
>how long it took us to set up our own government." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback
>defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just
>like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber."
>‹Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
>
>"Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO
>celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas.
>Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in
>Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American
>soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" ‹Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend
>Update"
>
>"Geraldo Rivera is headed for Afghanistan. Boy, you thought those people
>hated us before." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS
>refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God
>forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the
>World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it
>missed and killed several innocent people." ‹David Letterman
>
>"President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax.
>Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the
>president catching was herpes." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early ‹ took my cipro. Then I
>irradiated my mail and I'm good to go. I'm telling you, even if people sent
>me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that e-mail isn't
>safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome,
>you've got anthrax.'" ‹David Letterman
>
>"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have
>been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll
>taste your food, you check our mail." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"I was reading more about Osama bin Laden today. Turns out he started in the
>mailroom." ‹David Letterman
>
>"I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it ‹
>'Roots.'" ‹Jay Leno
>
>"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look
>forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great
>because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue
>living." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished
>fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot
>of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name
>changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan,
>Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."
>‹Jay Leno
>
>"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one
>year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the
>daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany
>Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are
>living in separate caves." ‹David Letterman
>
>"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin
>Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos
>actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." ‹David Letterman
>
>"Allied forces have hit all the Taliban military installations and bases. To
>give you an idea how successful these strikes have been: the Taliban has
>been telling young men that when they get to heaven, there may not be enough
>virgins to go around. They were promised 72. Now they are down to 45, but
>were told, 'Your virgins may vary." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick
>Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where
>did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get
>bombed." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the
>first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears
>Bounty on his head." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S.
>promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the
>Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." ‹Tina Fey
>on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
>
>"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden.
>Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden
>had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his
>childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters.
>Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" ‹Conan
>O'Brien
>
>"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
>they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
>Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
>these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
>immigration." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country.
>They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty
>good trick considering they claim they don't even know where he is." ‹Jay
>Leno
>
>"I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in
>Afghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when the
>wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel
>persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to
>feel like a woman in their country." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk
>with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word
>Jihad." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's
>electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should
>transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up
>his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." ‹Jay
>Leno
>
>"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Usama bin
>Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be
>exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded
>it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil
>investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism."
>‹Jay Leno
>
>"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve
>the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never
>sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." ‹Jay Leno
>
>"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words
>for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his
>money, he'll be dead in a week." ‹Jay Leno
>
>Enjoy,
>
>Gary Kleinman
--
art fougner, md
ich bin ein New Yorker
