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Re: Are you over 200 lbs? OH YEAH. (This response to your post isFrom: Avalos (anonymous@obgyn.net)Fri, 28 Apr 2000 12:27:01 -0500
Hi... I'm 32 years old and weigh about 200 lbs. I'm also 5'2" when I stretch really well.. so you can probably imagine what 200 lbs looks like on someone of my stature! Unlike you, I have not always been this way, in fact, I've only been like this for a few years... Yet the weight has completely turned my life upside down. My pain is acute, but it is a little different from yours. And I also have found a measure of comfort in this situation, a silver lining, if you will....Still, I'm with you, sharing your feelings and your thoughts and the hurt and frustration; I've become my own mini-counselor, pep-talker, motivational guru...it gets me through life in one piece (albeit a bigger one than I wish I were). You see, I also fantasize about being a woman who is admired for her looks and not her brains... I can fantasize quite well about it because I used to be one of those women before PCOS kicked into full throttle in my system! In fact, I was so admired for my looks that back then (not too long ago) hardly any men even considered the fact that I might have a brain under my head, behind that pretty face and above that stacked bombshell body... And I recall so many days and nights of fantasizing about being a woman who was admired for her brains and her abilities and not for her sex-appeal. They say be careful what you wish for..... << grin >> Now that PCOS has invaded my life, I am an oompa-loompa. I am robust. I am round. I am heavy. I am fat. I am overweight. I struggle to get up off of the couch, can't see beyond my stomach, can't really wrap my arms around myself, have to lift my breasts into my bra-cups, strain to button any article of clothing with a side-closure (I hate certain clothing designers for this), and forget tying my darn shoes in public... my breasts are so big that they get in the way when I eat.. they put so much distance between me & the table that I always inevitably end up spilling on my front & making a fool of myself. I don't wear make-up too often anymore, what's the use? I don't spend time on myself the way I used to, who cares since now I am fat & ugly, right? I would feel like a clown if I did put lipstick on.. who am I trying to kid? lipstick will not make me attractive... losing 80 lbs will help, but not lipstick! So cabinets full of the stuff sit unused in my house. I am too heavy to do aerobics, my feet and knees hurt when I try... I dread walking because people stare, and I can't find anything comfortable enough to walk and sweat in and not look like a warped melon-in-spandex. Lane Bryant and other designers for BIG women forget that some of us are midgets, too. I have tiny little hands and tiny little feet and they are the only two parts of me that have not gotten FAT. My NOSE has gained weight, for crying out loud. My EARS are plumper... This is INSANE!!!!! Some days, I feel too fat to get out of bed. I feel too fat to get ready for work, I feel too fat to breathe, it seems. People look at me when I eat, and I KNOW what they are thinking, I can see it in their eyes, and it drives me NUTS! (no, I am not psychotic, just tired of it all) And to top it all off, sex, while it is wonderful with my husband, is nowhere near as fun as it used to be, oh, say, eighty pounds ago. Last Saturday my sister-in-law had a birthday... we went to their house to celebrate & some dim-wit at the party had the brilliant idea of suggesting that we all go out dancing to a hot Latin club in D.C. ... despite my protests, we were roped into going Interestingly enough, my husband and I used to go there a lot when we were dating several years back. Bad move. Fat people just don't go to places like that. really bad move. I went home tired, dejected, mad, annoyed, and more frustrated than ever. I was fantasizing that night about the way it used to be, and trying to understand how it got to this point. I have been on so many diets that my head spins from the thought of them, I have taken phentermine and zoloft to lose weight, I have worked out, I have stretched my stubby little self and tried to move and twist and jump and walk and sweat to the music, thinking BURN THOSE FAT CELLS BABY! pft. nothing. nada. nyet. no results. I am fatter than ever. If my husband, ever dares to invite me to take a walk with him, most nights I look at him, circles under my eyes and above my round potato face, and I exhale... I am sooooooooooo tired at the end of the day...... so tired that I am too tired to wake up the next day, it seems! how on earth can he think that I can get myself into walking mode when all I feel is the need to sleep.....? Bless him, he is only thinking of me, and trying to be supportive. So I umph and grunt and haul my carcass up and into my tennies and off we go, the modern day version of Jack Sprat and his generously proportioned wife.... not that the walking briskly has helped me much... the neighbors stare, I am still fat. (then again, if he went without me, I just might kill myself from the shame and disgust... been there, too). But my husband's presence has eased the hurt a bit, and to tell the truth, I do sleep better afterward he drags me out on a walk, whether from the physical exertion, or the protective feel of my husband's love, I am not sure. Last Saturday, after we got home from that pulsating dance club, and as I lay there and fantasized, my husband snuggled up to me and held me close... I asked him if he is happy with me, and he knew what I was getting at. He told me that he has never been happier and that he would not change one thing about life and about us. I slept really well that night. I am blessed, I realize, regardless of the fatness.... There is more to me than fat, and there must be a God, because I have a wonderful husband who realizes this, I have friends who realize this, and they love me, too. I'm an attorney by profession, and I work as a commercial contract negotiator. My job is "cool" because I can do it from anywhere on the planet, as long as I have a computer, fax & phone. I never see the people who work with me on a daily basis, they are spread out all over the U.S. .... but they talk to me in a way that is different from the way people who SEE me will talk to me... In my case, I am lucky, because physical impressions do not interfere with the way people treat me in my job. Perhaps that is one reason that I love my job so much and have such a hard time leaving at the end of each day! Perhaps that is why I throw all my energy into my job to the point that I am wiped out every night.... I am a Negotiator at work, and I get folks to agree to terms and conditions, and I make them laugh while I do it... so my brains and personality are the only thing I have going for me; I can not influence with a look or a gesture, I have to influence and make impressions with the inner ME; I lose my body and become just a voice and I work the parties into a deal without the benefit of looking anyone in the eye... I guess I could say that I "look them in the ears". And those people that I work with who can't see me... well, I kind of like it that way, since they talk to me like they think I am "IT, they joke with me the way they would joke with a svelte, attractive, smart, professional woman; I am under no illusion that, if they could see me, they would never even give me a second thought, professionally, or otherwise.... I kind of wish that all parts of my life were like my work... blind to my appearance. For now, I've got my husband and my job, and they help a heck of a lot. I kind of snicker when my sister calls, every so often, to tell me that an old flame of mine, and a good friend, called to ask about me.. again. He always tells her that I am his fantasy, the "one that got away" (long story), and we laugh over it. To tell the truth, he is my fantasy, too, though I would not trade my husband in for him in a minute... Anyway, sometimes my sister tells me how gorgeous I could be if I just lost weight... ha ha ha ha ha ha... she doesn't have PCOS, she has no clue, she's a size zero, she thinks soy milk, jogging and yoga are it! Sometimes, after we hang up, I cry. If my ex could see me now, he would run so fast he'd probably go into orbit! Then I feel better almost instantly... you see, I am married to a man who did not run when I turned into the modern-day oompa-loompa right before his very eyes. I've come to realize that most folks out there are not too deep, and really don't want to know others well... Too many friendships and relationships out there are based on physical appearance, and many of those relationships evaporate when a person (like me, for example) gets fat. As a couple, my husband and I have few close friends... Those friends that we do have are special people... they are more special because they love me for me, and not for my appearance, and they respect my husband for his love for me, and his support of my trials and tribulations. You say that you are tired of men talking to you about your cute friends.... I hear you loud and clear, sister. Couldn't agree with your feelings more, it is annoying as hell to hear men talk to us about women that they are interested in, when we know that the interest is based solely on looks.... I've even chastised one of my husband's brothers about doing that! (yeah, we can get cranky, too). But step back and take a dose of reality: Since when do our "cute" friends or sisters have better lives than we do just because they look better in clothes and have men oogling after them? Come on, girlfriend! How many of those men would you really want in your life anyway? A FRACTION of those guys are worth the time they take up in womens' lives, if that..... I dated men like that when I was "hot".... none of them had enough brains to hold my attention back then, and none of them would have stuck with me when I turned into a pumpkin.... My adorable size zero sister is single and hates the fact that the men who try to talk to her are all after her body and don't even listen to her when she talks... Yeah, I fantasize, but differently than you do. You know something, being thin and attractive is not the be all and end all, and it does not make life better. Sometimes, it makes life worse, because it attracts shallow, selfish people to you, and those are not the kinds of people who will hang tough with you when you are down and out. I revel in the fact that my personality and brains are my greatest attractions! After all this, what am I trying to say to you? Love yourself, love WHO you are, be proud of the fact that people like and respect you for your personality and your brains... being liked for one's looks pales in comparison! If nothing else, having to deal with these difficult aspects of reality has made people like us more sensitive, more accepting, more understanding and more compassionate... Be good to yourself, above all else. And... since you're a Cyster, too... go kick some serious butt and take care of that PCOS! Life is too beautiful for us to let extra poundage keep us from loving it! wordy and wiped out from the babbling, Clara........... -----Original Message----- From: anonymous@obgyn.net [mailto:anonymous@obgyn.net Sent: Friday, April 28, 2000 3:36 AM To: Multiple recipients of list PCOS Subject: Re: Are you over 200 lbs? OH YEAH. Hi everyone, Thought I'd dive in with my first message to the "over 200 lbs" thread. I, too, am over 200... 280, to be exact. My frustration exists on so many levels, it's painful. I got diagnosed officially 18 months ago, after a lifetime of derogatory comments from doctors about my weight. I should point out, I haven't been thin one day of my life. I've been on every diet in existence. 18 months ago, I finally met a wonderful GYN and Endocrinologist who know PCOS well, and together they put me on a regimen of Metformin, Actos, Spiro, Loestrin, and Bellergal for hot flashes. I lost 40 lbs. and my triglycerides, which had been in the high 300's, dropped to a healthy level. I'd begun low-carbing with Atkins first, then CAD--but when the endo realized I was having too much gastrointestinal distress and a large number of hypoglycemic attacks, he told me to get off the low-carbing. But since that point, I seem to have gotten somewhat immune to all medication, I gained back 20 lbs, and my exhaustion has returned along with the menstrual irregularity. Socially speaking, it's been a lifelong nightmare. People respect me for my brains but men shun me for my weight. I'm looking for the magic switch so I can shut off my emotions, thus not being so depressed about my "social leper" status. But I haven't found it, and so every time I have to hear another man telling me how much "in love" he is with my friend because she is sooo cute.... I get severely depressed and start thinking about suicide. Is anyone else on this list fantasizing about being one of those women who's admired for her looks, instead of her brains or personality? Or am I the only one?
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