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Fri: Lawyer Humor ...From: Dean Huffman . (dean@thehuffpeople.net)Wed Dec 28 11:07:48 2005
.. Did You Hear the One About ... - - - - A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious New York law firm are walking through Central Park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof. He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the associate in astonishment. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piņa coladas, and the love of my life." Poof. She's gone. "You're next," the genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the library after lunch." - - - - A young associate was invited to a party at the home of an august senior partner at his firm. The associate wandered awestruck through the house, especially amazed at the original artworks by Picasso, Matisse, and others adorning the walls. As the associate stood gazing at one Picasso, the senior partner approached and put his arm around the associate's shoulder. "Yes," he said, "if you work long and hard, day in and day out, six, seven days a week, 10, 12 hours a day, I could buy another one!" - - - - A man in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost, so he reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman replied, "You are in a hot-air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a second-year associate," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be a partner!" "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made promises which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." - - - - A senior partner at a New York law firm is asked to speak at a major business conference. Accepting months in advance, he forgets about the engagement until, cleaning off his desk late one Friday evening, he notices the date scheduled in his calendar for the following Monday. With a big weekend at the beach house on tap, there's no time to write a speech. Instead, he calls in a bright young associate. Partner: "Smith, I have to address a conference on Monday night, and because of a client commitment all weekend, I can't write the speech myself. You'll have to do it for me. Have it on my desk by noon Monday." Associate: "But, sir, my girlfriend and I have reservations at ..." Partner: "On my desk at noon. No ifs, ands, or buts." Comes Monday at 12, the speech is delivered, freshly typed, and bound in a neat plastic folder. The partner, on his way to a client meeting that will last until the evening, stuffs the speech in his briefcase without reading it. Later that night, standing before an audience of 500 business executives (including many clients and potential clients), he delivers the speech, which turns out to be a literary pearl filled with humorous anecdotes, wonderful insights, and bright observations on the law, business, and modern society. Near the end, it reaches a crescendo that has the audience on the edge of its seats. "Before I leave you tonight," the partner reads, "I want to share with you my ultimate vision for using the law not only to resolve disputes, but to create a new chapter in the history of mankind. A chapter of unparalleled peace and prosperity worldwide. To accomplish this, I will suggest that -- " He turns the page, curious himself to read this remarkable plan, only to find, in capital letters, "Improvise, you son of a bitch!"
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