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Re: Endo and romantic relationships: when do you tell him you have this disease?
From: anonymous (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Mon May 26 03:58:21 2008
you just need to see if he's going to stick around, before opening up
and getting your heart broken
At Sat, 24 May 2008, Kisha wrote:
>
>Hi Ladies,
>
>I appreciate all the responses to my post...I am taking everything into
>account & while I haven't disclosed anything yet, I will just have to
>listen to my heart on this one. It definitely lifts my spirits to see
>that there are those of you out there who have wonderful, supportive
>partners!
>
>In reply to what Squea mentioned, about how you approach telling your
>partner, based on my own experience, I'm not sure it makes all that much
>difference. I have disclosed this information in the past with a
>positive outlook; but if a guy is looking for an out, or if it isn't
>meant to be, it's not going to matter how you tell him. And what I am
>realizing from reading everyone's replies is that the guy who is meant
>for me is NOT gonna bail on me because of this illness. If anything
>he's going to see how strong I am to live my life with it and love me
>more as a result.
>
>At Fri, 23 May 2008, Squea wrote:
>>
>>My response comes from the fact that I already had a chronic illness.
>>Asthma has affected my life every single day since I was 3 years old.
>>For the last 24 years I have taken medication (a minimum of 2, up to 10)
>>daily just for asthma. I KNOW how bad a chronic illness can make you
>>feel.
>>
>>At the same time, most of it is in how you deal with it. If I cried
>>every time my asthma stopped my from doing something I wanted to do, my
>>life would be horrible. If I pitched a fit every time I STOPPED
>>BREATHING (which happens on about a weekly basis), my marriage would
>>really suffer.
>>
>>I've dealt with endo the same way (and I'm sitting here typing on
>>vicodine from my laparoscopy yesterday). I was overwhelmed at first. I
>>cried, I yelled. Then I figured out that this is just like my asthma. I
>>can deal with it, or it can control my life.
>>
>>Now, I'm not saying endo isn't a big deal, and I'm sorry if that's the
>>way it came across. As with any chronic disorder, it does affect your
>>daily life. That is a big deal.
>>
>>But, what shouldn't be a big deal is telling the person you're with. It
>>would have been absolutely ridiculous for my husband to leave me because
>>of my asthma. The same with endometriosis. Yeah, it can affect our
>>fertility. We might not be able to have kids. That would really suck.
>>At the same time, that will be something we deal if/when it comes up.
>>Fertility won't be the end of our relationship.
>>
>>It comes down to how you handle it. If you set up this giant "reveal"
>>then you've made it a big deal in the relationship. If you talk about
>>it casually and that it sucks, then it won't be a big deal for the
>>relationship (unless you have a real "winner" for a significant
>>other--if that's the case then you're better off without them).
>>
>>That's what I meant by it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm not trying to
>>downplay just how much endo sucks. In the aspect of our lives it is
>>huge. But if you approach endo as "this is how I'm defective" or "this
>>is why I'm hard to love" then it will affect your relationship. If you
>>approach it as "I have this and it sucks sometimes, go do some research
>>on your own and come back to me with questions, and I love you and I'm
>>someone who's worth your time and energy" then you'll have better
>>results.
>>
>>At Thu, 22 May 2008, Nicole wrote:
>>>
>>>This reaction is completely opposite from the way I think about this
>>>situation. Having endometriosis is a very big deal. It affects a lot
>>>of aspects of your life, and I think a possible partner should find out
>>>about the disease and understand before you make a commitment.
>>>
>>>I know that you said the relationship is in the first stages, but lets
>>>jump ahead and talk about fertility issues. If you have this disease it
>>>affects your fertility and the possibility that you might not be able to
>>>have kids. That is a big part of a relationship and I think it is only
>>>fair for you to share this information when you feel the time is right.
>>>
>>>Endo is a BIG DEAL for a lot of women. Each person's case is different.
>>>I personally take 6 medications a day between the endo and my IC. Sleep
>>>with a heating pad, and sex isn't always great. Endo in the later
>>>stages can cause people to be disabled.
>>>
>>>I am sorry if this came off harsh, but a small part of me was offended
>>>at the reaction that it's not a big deal.
>>>
>>>My point, it is not fair to hide an important part of your life, even
>>>though some may not understand. Not saying you have to start off with
>>>this in your relationship, but it is a necessary item that needs to be
>>>explained well. Endo is a battle you may fight your whole life and you
>>>need a great partner to support you through the ups and downs.
>>>
>>>At Wed, 21 May 2008, Squea wrote:
>>>>
>>>>I guess I don't understand the big reveal. It's a part of you. This
>>>>shouldn't be something that's kept a secret. Yeah, endo sucks. It's a
>>>>part of your life. Your partner is going to need to be understanding.
>>>>
>>>>I really see it like my asthma. I honestly don't remember telling him.
>>>>It does affect every aspect of my life. Hell, if he makes me laugh too
>>>>hard, I stop breathing. It is all encompassing. At the same time, it's
>>>>no big deal. I get tired of people asking me if I'm ok just becuase I
>>>>take a puff on my inhaler.
>>>>
>>>>Endo, though I'm new to this, seems the same. I've dealt with it the
>>>>same way. If someone sees I'm in pain or sees me popping pain killers,
>>>>I'll just briefly explain that I'm in a lot of pain, but that I'll be
>>>>fine. Again, yeah it sucks and it's affecting my daily life. But it's
>>>>not a death sentence.
>>>>
>>>>Both asthma and endo suck. But, I EXPECT those in my life to
>>>>understand. There isn't a question. Just like I can ask my husband to
>>>>bring me my inhaler if I can't breathe, I can ask him to get my heating
>>>>pad and pain killers. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, and it shouldn't be a big
>>>>deal.
>>>>
>>>>At Wed, 21 May 2008, Kisha wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>Hi Nikki,
>>>>>
>>>>>I agree, not telling is certainly not an option. But is sure is
>>>>>challenging to decide when is the right time. I think for myself I will
>>>>>wait a little bit, mainly because I'm feeling emotional about it all
>>>>>right now, but probably not for a really long time. It's just that,
>>>>>disclosing it has brought about bad outcomes with guys whether I brought
>>>>>it up early on, or after we'd been together for awhile.
>>>>>
>>>>>Anyways, I am happy for you that you have a supportive b/f, and I hope
>>>>>that the "big talk" goes well for you!
>>>>>
>>>>>--
>>>>>Kisha
>>>>>
>>>>>At Wed, 21 May 2008, Nikki wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Hi Kisha,
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Y'know it's weird that you asked this b/c I was just thinking over the
>>>>>>same questions yesterday... Should I tell him? When's the right time?
>>>>>>Will he look at me differently? Will he stay or take off?
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I've been with my boyfriend about a year now, but I was only diagnosed
>>>>>>with endo in March '08. I haven't really had time myself to accept that
>>>>>>I have endo, let alone sit him down for the big "endo talk." I've put it
>>>>>>off b/c honestly, my main fear is that he won't look at me the same
>>>>>>anymore.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>He knows something is wrong b/c I had surgery, but he doesn't have the
>>>>>>full story. I can't hide it from him any longer, b/c we plan to get
>>>>>>married sometime in the next year, and I think he has the right to know
>>>>>>about my endo before he makes a commitment to me.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>My friends told me to just not tell him. But, when we live together as
>>>>>>man & wife I think it's gonna be friggin' immpossible to hide it, as I
>>>>>>will most likely be curled up in a ball on the floor one week a month.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I've been thinking about how I'm going to tell him. I've even practiced
>>>>>>in the mirror, I'm so nervous. If I get even watery eyed he's gonna
>>>>>>freak out. He's never seen me cry. And keeping my emotions under
>>>>>>control is going to be hard with all of these hormones I'm taking.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I think the best time to tell a signifigant other is when you feel the
>>>>>>relationship is getting serious. If I had found out a year ago that I
>>>>>>had endo, I probably would have waited until this exact time to tell
>>>>>>him. Before two people get engaged I think all the ugly and not so
>>>>>>pretty truths from the past should be brought out into the open. But
>>>>>>this is just my opinion. You should tell him whenever you feel is the
>>>>>>right time. Only you can decide when your ready.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Whoa, I think I wrote a sequel to your book! Sheesh. Sorry about that.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Good luck with everything.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>--
>>>>>>Nikki
>>>>>>
>>>>>>And BTW, when I read about other women with such caring husbands, I also
>>>>>>feel a longing for that kind of relationship too. I want someone who
>>>>>>will hold my hand, and be there. I hope my boyfriend will eventually be
>>>>>>that kind husband for me.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>... if not, then I guess I could always settle for Orlando Bloom :) oh,
>>>>>>yeah
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Take care.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>At Tue, 20 May 2008, Kisha wrote:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>Hello all,
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>I hope everyone is having a (relatively) pain-free day! Anyhow, I am
>>>>>>>struggling with the whole idea of when I should tell someone I have
>>>>>>>endo. I was in a 2 year relationship that ended 6 months ago largely
>>>>>>>because my ex just wasn't supportive of me with my health issues. At
>>>>>>>first he was, but I guess it eventually became too much for him.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>It's extremely painful (emotionally) to be in a situation where you feel
>>>>>>>like someone loves you, until they see the full throes of what this
>>>>>>>illness can do to you - - and just like that they are not in love
>>>>>>>anymore. People will often say to me, 'you're pretty, smart, funny,
>>>>>>>etc...why are you still single?' (I'm 34, never married, no kids). But
>>>>>>>a truly supportive partner is oh-so-hard to find!!! When I read the
>>>>>>>messages here, and I read posts from women who have husbands or
>>>>>>>boyfriends that literally rub your feet, are patient with you through
>>>>>>>your pain, or do the cooking & cleaning when you can't...I sometimes cry
>>>>>>>my eyes out, I really do. Because I would give ANYTHING to have that
>>>>>>>kind of support in my life. I know I have a lot to offer a potential
>>>>>>>partner--I don't define myself by my illness. I define myself as a
>>>>>>>wonderful woman who "happens" to have this disease called endo - - and
>>>>>>>lives life as fully as possible in spite of it! And I won't settle for
>>>>>>>any less than a man who defines me the same way I define myself.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>But I digress...the question I have is, when's the right time to
>>>>>>>disclose this illness to someone? I took some time for myself after my
>>>>>>>breakup...but about a month ago I met someone that I really like. We
>>>>>>>have nice conversations and I feel very at ease around him...but I
>>>>>>>haven't shared with him that I have endo. I'm wondering when I should
>>>>>>>do that?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>On the one hand, I realize that sharing the endo info too soon can scare
>>>>>>>a guy away. On the other hand, I know firsthand how it hurts like hell
>>>>>>>when you fall in love with someone totally and then he bails when you
>>>>>>>tell him a few months in. I really don't know what to do...and because
>>>>>>>endo is so unpredictable, I would appreciate hearing from some of
>>>>>>>you...'cause I am SO at a loss on what to do here...I basically feel
>>>>>>>like, if this guy knows right now that he wouldn't want to deal with
>>>>>>>someone with an illness - - I'd rather know that now before I go and
>>>>>>>invest myself emotionally.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>(I apologize for writing a little book here...but this has been weighing
>>>>>>>on me the past few days...)
>>>>>>
>>>>>>--
>>>>>>"Shopping is my cardio," Carrie Bradshaw
>>>>>>
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