Re: Endo and romantic relationships: when do you tell him you have this disease?
From: Squea (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Fri May 23 22:03:45 2008
My response comes from the fact that I already had a chronic illness.
Asthma has affected my life every single day since I was 3 years old.
For the last 24 years I have taken medication (a minimum of 2, up to 10)
daily just for asthma. I KNOW how bad a chronic illness can make you
feel.
At the same time, most of it is in how you deal with it. If I cried
every time my asthma stopped my from doing something I wanted to do, my
life would be horrible. If I pitched a fit every time I STOPPED
BREATHING (which happens on about a weekly basis), my marriage would
really suffer.
I've dealt with endo the same way (and I'm sitting here typing on
vicodine from my laparoscopy yesterday). I was overwhelmed at first. I
cried, I yelled. Then I figured out that this is just like my asthma. I
can deal with it, or it can control my life.
Now, I'm not saying endo isn't a big deal, and I'm sorry if that's the
way it came across. As with any chronic disorder, it does affect your
daily life. That is a big deal.
But, what shouldn't be a big deal is telling the person you're with. It
would have been absolutely ridiculous for my husband to leave me because
of my asthma. The same with endometriosis. Yeah, it can affect our
fertility. We might not be able to have kids. That would really suck.
At the same time, that will be something we deal if/when it comes up.
Fertility won't be the end of our relationship.
It comes down to how you handle it. If you set up this giant "reveal"
then you've made it a big deal in the relationship. If you talk about
it casually and that it sucks, then it won't be a big deal for the
relationship (unless you have a real "winner" for a significant
other--if that's the case then you're better off without them).
That's what I meant by it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm not trying to
downplay just how much endo sucks. In the aspect of our lives it is
huge. But if you approach endo as "this is how I'm defective" or "this
is why I'm hard to love" then it will affect your relationship. If you
approach it as "I have this and it sucks sometimes, go do some research
on your own and come back to me with questions, and I love you and I'm
someone who's worth your time and energy" then you'll have better
results.
At Thu, 22 May 2008, Nicole wrote:
>
>This reaction is completely opposite from the way I think about this
>situation. Having endometriosis is a very big deal. It affects a lot
>of aspects of your life, and I think a possible partner should find out
>about the disease and understand before you make a commitment.
>
>I know that you said the relationship is in the first stages, but lets
>jump ahead and talk about fertility issues. If you have this disease it
>affects your fertility and the possibility that you might not be able to
>have kids. That is a big part of a relationship and I think it is only
>fair for you to share this information when you feel the time is right.
>
>Endo is a BIG DEAL for a lot of women. Each person's case is different.
>I personally take 6 medications a day between the endo and my IC. Sleep
>with a heating pad, and sex isn't always great. Endo in the later
>stages can cause people to be disabled.
>
>I am sorry if this came off harsh, but a small part of me was offended
>at the reaction that it's not a big deal.
>
>My point, it is not fair to hide an important part of your life, even
>though some may not understand. Not saying you have to start off with
>this in your relationship, but it is a necessary item that needs to be
>explained well. Endo is a battle you may fight your whole life and you
>need a great partner to support you through the ups and downs.
>
>At Wed, 21 May 2008, Squea wrote:
>>
>>I guess I don't understand the big reveal. It's a part of you. This
>>shouldn't be something that's kept a secret. Yeah, endo sucks. It's a
>>part of your life. Your partner is going to need to be understanding.
>>
>>I really see it like my asthma. I honestly don't remember telling him.
>>It does affect every aspect of my life. Hell, if he makes me laugh too
>>hard, I stop breathing. It is all encompassing. At the same time, it's
>>no big deal. I get tired of people asking me if I'm ok just becuase I
>>take a puff on my inhaler.
>>
>>Endo, though I'm new to this, seems the same. I've dealt with it the
>>same way. If someone sees I'm in pain or sees me popping pain killers,
>>I'll just briefly explain that I'm in a lot of pain, but that I'll be
>>fine. Again, yeah it sucks and it's affecting my daily life. But it's
>>not a death sentence.
>>
>>Both asthma and endo suck. But, I EXPECT those in my life to
>>understand. There isn't a question. Just like I can ask my husband to
>>bring me my inhaler if I can't breathe, I can ask him to get my heating
>>pad and pain killers. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, and it shouldn't be a big
>>deal.
>>
>>At Wed, 21 May 2008, Kisha wrote:
>>>
>>>Hi Nikki,
>>>
>>>I agree, not telling is certainly not an option. But is sure is
>>>challenging to decide when is the right time. I think for myself I will
>>>wait a little bit, mainly because I'm feeling emotional about it all
>>>right now, but probably not for a really long time. It's just that,
>>>disclosing it has brought about bad outcomes with guys whether I brought
>>>it up early on, or after we'd been together for awhile.
>>>
>>>Anyways, I am happy for you that you have a supportive b/f, and I hope
>>>that the "big talk" goes well for you!
>>>
>>>--
>>>Kisha
>>>
>>>At Wed, 21 May 2008, Nikki wrote:
>>>>
>>>>Hi Kisha,
>>>>
>>>>Y'know it's weird that you asked this b/c I was just thinking over the
>>>>same questions yesterday... Should I tell him? When's the right time?
>>>>Will he look at me differently? Will he stay or take off?
>>>>
>>>>I've been with my boyfriend about a year now, but I was only diagnosed
>>>>with endo in March '08. I haven't really had time myself to accept that
>>>>I have endo, let alone sit him down for the big "endo talk." I've put it
>>>>off b/c honestly, my main fear is that he won't look at me the same
>>>>anymore.
>>>>
>>>>He knows something is wrong b/c I had surgery, but he doesn't have the
>>>>full story. I can't hide it from him any longer, b/c we plan to get
>>>>married sometime in the next year, and I think he has the right to know
>>>>about my endo before he makes a commitment to me.
>>>>
>>>>My friends told me to just not tell him. But, when we live together as
>>>>man & wife I think it's gonna be friggin' immpossible to hide it, as I
>>>>will most likely be curled up in a ball on the floor one week a month.
>>>>
>>>>I've been thinking about how I'm going to tell him. I've even practiced
>>>>in the mirror, I'm so nervous. If I get even watery eyed he's gonna
>>>>freak out. He's never seen me cry. And keeping my emotions under
>>>>control is going to be hard with all of these hormones I'm taking.
>>>>
>>>>I think the best time to tell a signifigant other is when you feel the
>>>>relationship is getting serious. If I had found out a year ago that I
>>>>had endo, I probably would have waited until this exact time to tell
>>>>him. Before two people get engaged I think all the ugly and not so
>>>>pretty truths from the past should be brought out into the open. But
>>>>this is just my opinion. You should tell him whenever you feel is the
>>>>right time. Only you can decide when your ready.
>>>>
>>>>Whoa, I think I wrote a sequel to your book! Sheesh. Sorry about that.
>>>>
>>>>Good luck with everything.
>>>>
>>>>--
>>>>Nikki
>>>>
>>>>And BTW, when I read about other women with such caring husbands, I also
>>>>feel a longing for that kind of relationship too. I want someone who
>>>>will hold my hand, and be there. I hope my boyfriend will eventually be
>>>>that kind husband for me.
>>>>
>>>>... if not, then I guess I could always settle for Orlando Bloom :) oh,
>>>>yeah
>>>>
>>>>Take care.
>>>>
>>>>At Tue, 20 May 2008, Kisha wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>Hello all,
>>>>>
>>>>>I hope everyone is having a (relatively) pain-free day! Anyhow, I am
>>>>>struggling with the whole idea of when I should tell someone I have
>>>>>endo. I was in a 2 year relationship that ended 6 months ago largely
>>>>>because my ex just wasn't supportive of me with my health issues. At
>>>>>first he was, but I guess it eventually became too much for him.
>>>>>
>>>>>It's extremely painful (emotionally) to be in a situation where you feel
>>>>>like someone loves you, until they see the full throes of what this
>>>>>illness can do to you - - and just like that they are not in love
>>>>>anymore. People will often say to me, 'you're pretty, smart, funny,
>>>>>etc...why are you still single?' (I'm 34, never married, no kids). But
>>>>>a truly supportive partner is oh-so-hard to find!!! When I read the
>>>>>messages here, and I read posts from women who have husbands or
>>>>>boyfriends that literally rub your feet, are patient with you through
>>>>>your pain, or do the cooking & cleaning when you can't...I sometimes cry
>>>>>my eyes out, I really do. Because I would give ANYTHING to have that
>>>>>kind of support in my life. I know I have a lot to offer a potential
>>>>>partner--I don't define myself by my illness. I define myself as a
>>>>>wonderful woman who "happens" to have this disease called endo - - and
>>>>>lives life as fully as possible in spite of it! And I won't settle for
>>>>>any less than a man who defines me the same way I define myself.
>>>>>
>>>>>But I digress...the question I have is, when's the right time to
>>>>>disclose this illness to someone? I took some time for myself after my
>>>>>breakup...but about a month ago I met someone that I really like. We
>>>>>have nice conversations and I feel very at ease around him...but I
>>>>>haven't shared with him that I have endo. I'm wondering when I should
>>>>>do that?
>>>>>
>>>>>On the one hand, I realize that sharing the endo info too soon can scare
>>>>>a guy away. On the other hand, I know firsthand how it hurts like hell
>>>>>when you fall in love with someone totally and then he bails when you
>>>>>tell him a few months in. I really don't know what to do...and because
>>>>>endo is so unpredictable, I would appreciate hearing from some of
>>>>>you...'cause I am SO at a loss on what to do here...I basically feel
>>>>>like, if this guy knows right now that he wouldn't want to deal with
>>>>>someone with an illness - - I'd rather know that now before I go and
>>>>>invest myself emotionally.
>>>>>
>>>>>(I apologize for writing a little book here...but this has been weighing
>>>>>on me the past few days...)
>>>>
>>>>--
>>>>"Shopping is my cardio," Carrie Bradshaw
>>>>
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