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Re: Endo and romantic relationships: when do you tell him you have this disease?From: Christen99 (anonymous@obgyn.net)Thu May 22 17:17:46 2008
I worked with dh before we started dating, and had for quite some time. When I was out for a number of weeks due to surgery, he was pretty aware that I was out due to surgery as it wasn't a secret in a small company. When he asked what type of surgery I had when I returned I wasn't ashamed, or embarassed by it so I just said I had endo and it was to clean it out...so he knew before we dated. However, when we did start dating things moved fairly quickly and a conversation about my going into early menopause came up and I was very up front about that as well (I had a ds from a previous relationship and he asked if I wanted more children). I've never felt the need to hide it, nor have I felt it was shameful in any way. At some point it needs to be brought up if you're thinking of having a physical relationship, and if he's going to have issues with the fact that you have a disease of any sort it's better to find out now rather than later that he won't support you when you're still in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. DH doesn't always "get it" but he isn't an ogre either he just isn't the most nurturing guy but he does offer hugs if I need them. If I tell him I don't feel well, or it hurts he gives me space but he's like that with most things that make me feel cruddy (like colds and such). At Wed, 21 May 2008, Squea wrote: > >I guess I don't understand the big reveal. It's a part of you. This >shouldn't be something that's kept a secret. Yeah, endo sucks. It's a >part of your life. Your partner is going to need to be understanding. > >I really see it like my asthma. I honestly don't remember telling him. >It does affect every aspect of my life. Hell, if he makes me laugh too >hard, I stop breathing. It is all encompassing. At the same time, it's >no big deal. I get tired of people asking me if I'm ok just becuase I >take a puff on my inhaler. > >Endo, though I'm new to this, seems the same. I've dealt with it the >same way. If someone sees I'm in pain or sees me popping pain killers, >I'll just briefly explain that I'm in a lot of pain, but that I'll be >fine. Again, yeah it sucks and it's affecting my daily life. But it's >not a death sentence. > >Both asthma and endo suck. But, I EXPECT those in my life to >understand. There isn't a question. Just like I can ask my husband to >bring me my inhaler if I can't breathe, I can ask him to get my heating >pad and pain killers. IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, and it shouldn't be a big >deal. > >At Wed, 21 May 2008, Kisha wrote: >> >>Hi Nikki, >> >>I agree, not telling is certainly not an option. But is sure is >>challenging to decide when is the right time. I think for myself I will >>wait a little bit, mainly because I'm feeling emotional about it all >>right now, but probably not for a really long time. It's just that, >>disclosing it has brought about bad outcomes with guys whether I brought >>it up early on, or after we'd been together for awhile. >> >>Anyways, I am happy for you that you have a supportive b/f, and I hope >>that the "big talk" goes well for you! >> >>-- >>Kisha >> >>At Wed, 21 May 2008, Nikki wrote: >>> >>>Hi Kisha, >>> >>>Y'know it's weird that you asked this b/c I was just thinking over the >>>same questions yesterday... Should I tell him? When's the right time? >>>Will he look at me differently? Will he stay or take off? >>> >>>I've been with my boyfriend about a year now, but I was only diagnosed >>>with endo in March '08. I haven't really had time myself to accept that >>>I have endo, let alone sit him down for the big "endo talk." I've put it >>>off b/c honestly, my main fear is that he won't look at me the same >>>anymore. >>> >>>He knows something is wrong b/c I had surgery, but he doesn't have the >>>full story. I can't hide it from him any longer, b/c we plan to get >>>married sometime in the next year, and I think he has the right to know >>>about my endo before he makes a commitment to me. >>> >>>My friends told me to just not tell him. But, when we live together as >>>man & wife I think it's gonna be friggin' immpossible to hide it, as I >>>will most likely be curled up in a ball on the floor one week a month. >>> >>>I've been thinking about how I'm going to tell him. I've even practiced >>>in the mirror, I'm so nervous. If I get even watery eyed he's gonna >>>freak out. He's never seen me cry. And keeping my emotions under >>>control is going to be hard with all of these hormones I'm taking. >>> >>>I think the best time to tell a signifigant other is when you feel the >>>relationship is getting serious. If I had found out a year ago that I >>>had endo, I probably would have waited until this exact time to tell >>>him. Before two people get engaged I think all the ugly and not so >>>pretty truths from the past should be brought out into the open. But >>>this is just my opinion. You should tell him whenever you feel is the >>>right time. Only you can decide when your ready. >>> >>>Whoa, I think I wrote a sequel to your book! Sheesh. Sorry about that. >>> >>>Good luck with everything. >>> >>>-- >>>Nikki >>> >>>And BTW, when I read about other women with such caring husbands, I also >>>feel a longing for that kind of relationship too. I want someone who >>>will hold my hand, and be there. I hope my boyfriend will eventually be >>>that kind husband for me. >>> >>>... if not, then I guess I could always settle for Orlando Bloom :) oh, >>>yeah >>> >>>Take care. >>> >>>At Tue, 20 May 2008, Kisha wrote: >>>> >>>>Hello all, >>>> >>>>I hope everyone is having a (relatively) pain-free day! Anyhow, I am >>>>struggling with the whole idea of when I should tell someone I have >>>>endo. I was in a 2 year relationship that ended 6 months ago largely >>>>because my ex just wasn't supportive of me with my health issues. At >>>>first he was, but I guess it eventually became too much for him. >>>> >>>>It's extremely painful (emotionally) to be in a situation where you feel >>>>like someone loves you, until they see the full throes of what this >>>>illness can do to you - - and just like that they are not in love >>>>anymore. People will often say to me, 'you're pretty, smart, funny, >>>>etc...why are you still single?' (I'm 34, never married, no kids). But >>>>a truly supportive partner is oh-so-hard to find!!! When I read the >>>>messages here, and I read posts from women who have husbands or >>>>boyfriends that literally rub your feet, are patient with you through >>>>your pain, or do the cooking & cleaning when you can't...I sometimes cry >>>>my eyes out, I really do. Because I would give ANYTHING to have that >>>>kind of support in my life. I know I have a lot to offer a potential >>>>partner--I don't define myself by my illness. I define myself as a >>>>wonderful woman who "happens" to have this disease called endo - - and >>>>lives life as fully as possible in spite of it! And I won't settle for >>>>any less than a man who defines me the same way I define myself. >>>> >>>>But I digress...the question I have is, when's the right time to >>>>disclose this illness to someone? I took some time for myself after my >>>>breakup...but about a month ago I met someone that I really like. We >>>>have nice conversations and I feel very at ease around him...but I >>>>haven't shared with him that I have endo. I'm wondering when I should >>>>do that? >>>> >>>>On the one hand, I realize that sharing the endo info too soon can scare >>>>a guy away. On the other hand, I know firsthand how it hurts like hell >>>>when you fall in love with someone totally and then he bails when you >>>>tell him a few months in. I really don't know what to do...and because >>>>endo is so unpredictable, I would appreciate hearing from some of >>>>you...'cause I am SO at a loss on what to do here...I basically feel >>>>like, if this guy knows right now that he wouldn't want to deal with >>>>someone with an illness - - I'd rather know that now before I go and >>>>invest myself emotionally. >>>> >>>>(I apologize for writing a little book here...but this has been weighing >>>>on me the past few days...) >>> >>>-- >>>"Shopping is my cardio," Carrie Bradshaw >>>
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