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Re: God Did This To You- No He didn't!!
From: Suzie (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Fri Jun 9 00:53:29 2006
Dear Anon,
I hope today has brought you a little more peace for your heart and
healing for your body. I was wondering if your doctor had shared his
opinion on what the cantaloupe-sized mass was? I have heard of endo
developing in such a way, but I wondered if this was what your doctor
suspects. It must be terrible not knowing. I had a cancer scare back
in January. For six weeks I did not know if the mass was cancer or
something else. I discovered I'm mean when I'm dying! "I don't have to
be nice to you, I won't be here next year to deal with your attitude!" I
wasn't sure what would take me out first, the cancer or the wrath of
those around me!!! I hope my insanity has put a smile on your face,
otherwise I'm baring my soul and embarrasing myself for nothing.
Since Medicaid can take a while, would it be possible for the surgery to
be scheduled even though your approval has not gone through? You may see
if you can schedule it, then cancel if your medicaid doesn't clear
before then. I live in a very busy city, so my doctor did that with my
gall bladder removal three years ago. He kept rescheduling it weekly
until my approval came through. That way my spot was reserved in the
surgery lists. Luckily, he only had to do this three times. You may
see if your doctors office will do this for you. It never hurts to ask.
Hope tomorrow brings you a better day.
Peace & prayers,
Suzie
At Thu, 8 Jun 2006, anonymous@obgyn.net wrote:
>
>I think Suzie pretty much summed it all up by saying this:
>
>"Don't let her fits worry you during this time. Stay focused on your
>health, your healing and spending time with your spouse & children.
>After you get past the surgery....."
>
>I totally agree with Suzie on this. I know your mom probably didn't
>mean all she said, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Please worry
>about yourself and pamper yourself before and after the surgery,
>mentally as well as physically, and don't let ANYONE disturb you. The
>success of your upcoming surgery depends largely by your mental
>well-being. You need to believe you will be helped by it, and I advise
>you to do so. NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS!! God gave this to us, but on
>a random basis. Everyone has their own challenge. This happens to be
>ours. So what? There are people out there with way worse diseases, and
>they keep struggling yet being optimistic about it all...we can too.
>
>My thoughts, prayers and best wishes are with you, my sister in illness.
>
>Love & huge hugs,
>
>A.
>
>At Thu, 8 Jun 2006, Suzie wrote:
>>>
>>I am so sorry you are having to go through all of the pain and
>>suffering. It must be even harder to not have the support of your
>>mother when you need her the most. I am fortunate to come from a large
>>family who loves & supports me. I married into a larger family that
>>loves & supports me as well. It is good that your husband is so very
>>supportive of you through all of this. Cling to him and keep up the
>>prayers. God is a loving Father who does not punish us, we punish
>>ourselves enough. You know your mother was just trying to hurt you and
>>probably already regrets her comments. I used to work with terminally
>>ill patients. It used to shock and amaze me how many family members
>>would pick fights with the patients just so that they could feel
>>justified in abandoning them. I think you were right on target with
>>that. Your mom can't handle dealing with your illness, so if you
>>forbade her to be there, her conscience would be clear. Don't let her
>>fits worry you during this time. Stay focused on your health, your
>>healing and spending time with your spouse & children. After you get
>>past the surgery, you will have years to come to terms with your mother.
>>Don't burden yourself when you already have such a heavy load to carry.
>>Prayer is one of the only things carrying me through the pain. Give
>>yourself & your burdens over to God and He will help you through this
>>time.
>>
>>Peace & Prayers
>>Suzie
>
>>At Wed, 7 Jun 2006, anonymous wrote:
>>>
>>>I've never really had all that great of a relationship with my mother in
>>>my almost 30 years of walking this green earth. My father is not around
>>>for her to remind him of how having a kid too young upset the plans and
>>>dreams she had for her life; so she takes that out on me. I am the
>>>punching bag for every setback in her life, including every one of her
>>>bi-polar episodes where she has to cut somebody down to make them feel
>>>bad about themselves so she can feel good about herself.
>>>
>>>The doctors found a large-sized mass on my right side. I've been
>>>feeling a sort of painful cramping that starts about 2-3 inches out from
>>>the right side of my navel. Internet searches proved this to be
>>>associated with the "terminal illeum" which is a part of the intestines.
>>>When pain occurs in this area it is usually a result of IBD (Chron's,
>>>Colitis, IBS, etc.)
>>>
>>>The pain never subsided so I went to ER thinking it's this terminal
>>>illeum I read about. They give me Dilaudid and Phenegran to minimize
>>>the pain and perform a CT on me. I've had this procedure done three
>>>times since my diagnosis, as doctors here believe that Endo and IBD go
>>>hand-in-hand. They say that a woman with Endo is more likely to have an
>>>appendix rupture, bowel diseaese or disorder, or an intestinal blockage
>>>than anyone else. As if that's good news, here's this...
>>>
>>>The CT I expected to come back looking fine just like all the others DID
>>>NOT come back normal at all. The doctor said I have a large mass about
>>>the size of a cantaloupe that completely blankets my right ovary and
>>>extends up just above the appendix. The doctor said he is unsure of
>>>what the mass could be and recommended that I see my OB/Gyn immediately
>>>to get this taken care of. I was also told that this mass is putting
>>>pressure against my kidney, and is causing a slight blockage which is
>>>causing urine to back up. This, he says, is not good because it can
>>>cause serious complications and infection. My kidney, according to his
>>>reading from the scan, is twice the size that it should be. Everyone
>>>I've told about this doesn't understand why on earth I was sent home
>>>instead of admitted for further tests and scans.
>>>
>>>I phone my mother the following day, after I've slept off the powerful
>>>injection of pain meds, to tell her what the doctor found. I started to
>>>break down in tears as I'm telling her when she says "Call me tomorrow.
>>>I'm in bed." I thought "What!??" I continued to talk as if I hadn't
>>>heard her and I said "I am scared to death. I don't know what this
>>>could be." She says again, "Are you going to be there tomorrow. I'm in
>>>bed... I'll call you tomorrow." I told her that was fine and just
>>>before hanging up she tells me she loves me in which I responded
>>>"Yeah... I know."
>>>
>>>She called me today and we discuss what I tried to explain to her the
>>>night before. She gets angry and starts shouting at me that I must
>>>enjoy the pain I'm in and all the complications that are associated with
>>>it because I'm not doing anything about "my problem."
>>>
>>>I had to sign up for Medicaid because I cannot continue to afford to pay
>>>out of pocket for my care. It's been 45 days since I signed up and I've
>>>not gotten a card or even an approval letter yet. I know I've been a
>>>thorn in the side of my Medicaid worker, because I call her every week
>>>checking up on the status of my Medicaid application. Everybody around
>>>me seems to think I'm not being persistent enough, and that if I call
>>>and harass her that she'll be more inclined to process my file; this is
>>>not the case. I've enjoyed proving to these "know it alls" that no
>>>matter what you say or how many times you call, the worker can't do any
>>>more than she's already doing. Each time we talk she reminds me that
>>>they have to up 45 days to process the application.
>>>
>>>My mother thinks I can just walk in this woman's office and yank her out
>>>of her chair, sit down, punch a few buttons, and go home to a Medicaid
>>>card waiting for me in the mailbox in 2 days. That's not reasonable,
>>>and it's certainly not possible. I am not sitting here doing nothing
>>>because I "like" hurting; I am sitting here doing nothing because the
>>>ball is NOT in my hands anymore!
>>>
>>>Well the subject switches from Medicaid to me asking my mom to come with
>>>me to the surgery the doctor's have planned for me as soon as I get the
>>>Medicaid card. As soon as the card arrives, the doctors are sending me
>>>on to see the surgeon, and they say within a week or sooner, I should be
>>>in surgery. My mother said she couldn't be there because she had to
>>>work. She then goes into a tyraid about how all she's heard since I got
>>>sick is how I want her to "hold my hand." I've only asked my mother to
>>>accompany me to doctor visits when she could, I've never pressed it. I
>>>just thought that as my mother she'd want to be in on this because it is
>>>very scary, and a very serious thing to have to endure. No one wants to
>>>go through something like this without a spouse, parent, sister, or
>>>bestfriend by their side.
>>>
>>>Sometimes the thought crosses my mind that she wants to make me mad at
>>>her so I'll tell her not to come to the surgery so she can get out of
>>>it. She thinks she can live without regret if I tell her not to come,
>>>rather than her telling me she doesn't want to and have to listen to our
>>>family come down on her for neglecting her responsibility to me as her
>>>daughter. Think about it... Not much anyone could say to you if you
>>>tell them your daughter told you not to come.
>>>
>>>According to my mother I need to "grow up and learn to stand on my own."
>>>If I were asking her to support me by paying my bills, or playing second
>>>mommy to my kids, or moving in and out of her house because I was
>>>negligent and irresponsible of keeping a home of my own, and taking care
>>>of my kids, I could full well understand a comment like that. But to
>>>ask her to be there when I go into surgery deserves nothing less and
>>>nothing more than "Yes I will, because I care about you; you're my
>>>daughter and I love you."
>>>
>>>Once I explained to her how hurtful her comments were, and how I felt
>>>very disappointed that she'd leave me to fly solo on this thing, she
>>>tells me I am being mean to her by asking her to take time away from
>>>work when she really needs the money, to come and hold my hand when my
>>>husband and his parents will be there. She said "Did you ever think the
>>>reason this is happening to you is because God is punishing you?" I said
>>>"Really?" She said "Yeah... God gets people that are mean." I said,
>>>"Well by that statement I should assume that you had breast cancer,
>>>reproductive cancer, 2 husbands that left you for other women, and
>>>bi-polar disease because you've been the next best thing to satan." She
>>>got mad and hung up on me. I guess she thought I'd break down and cry,
>>>but I bounced back instead. Something she never thought I'd ever do
>>>because I've always always went out on a limb to respect her no matter
>>>how mean she was to me because I know she's bi-polar.
>>>
>>>I told my husband that I am really fed up with her, 29 years is long
>>>enough to tolerate and look over this treatment; and I'm not so sure I
>>>even want her at my surgery with that kind of atttitude that "God is
>>>doing this to me". She might jinx it with her negative thinking. My
>>>husband says he doesn't think, even if she called back and apologized to
>>>me, that he could sit next to her in surgical waiting without slapping
>>>her across the face. He said if something bad happened to me while I
>>>was in there that it would be all he could do to keep from going postal
>>>on her because of her saying God was responsible for what was happening
>>>to me.
>>>
>>>Anybody have any clue how I can mend my heart here?
>>>
>>>--
>>>Imperfect Mom
>>>http://earplugs.iblogs.com/
>>>
>>>Endo Sisterhood Support Group
>>>http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/EndoSisterhood/
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