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Re: New Here:)From: Sudsey (anonymous@obgyn.net)Thu Jan 5 07:26:12 2006
Amanda ~ It's so hard when those we love lack total understanding but keep in mind that Endometriosis is just as confusing to us at times and we are the ones seeking the information for ourselves. It's hard for men b/c they are raised to take care of the wife to provide for the family and to fix what goes wrong. With an illness that can't be fixed they become lost in how to handle that be it an ego thing or pure feeling they have failed us in ways we might not even be aware of. Think back to a time you had the flu and what he might have done for you to help get you through it. Did he get you meds from the store or pamper you with a massage, was he concerned about you drinking enough fluid ect.. First off men never have a period so to begin to comprehend this whole concept of it and it's pain isn't there from the get go for them. As a child did he see his mother go through a period with mild pain or none at all? People constantly tend to compare well so and so had a period but never complained of pain and they just assume that so and so is everyone out there. Just as alot of us were made to believe period pain was normal and something we just had to live with. Many men are very uncomfortable about medical situations like hospitals and doctor offices so it becomes their excuse out and some ladies just accept that and think well gotta deal with it myself not involving them. Some of us deal with pain long enough we get tired of the complaining and just push through it and give this false sense we can handle it or cope. Some of us go it hurts but never go into alot of detail about how or where it hurts and then we never inform our partners how they can help us out. I found my own husband going into avoid me mode when PMS started right on through my period b/c he one was walking on glass with me and the PMS b/c I was like a snake ready to strike at the slightest movement at times. Then when I began to educate him with my reseach which took more then one sit down to get through there is no easy fix no cure at this time that it's not his fault and that he could help me when I felt bad by and I explained and still have to hunny you know a back rub would help this back pain or tonight I'm dealing with fatigue would you mind if I took a hot bath and a nap.. If I don't tell him and just expect I'll be waiting until those cows come home and still never get the understanding or comfort I need from him. I made sure to invole him in gyn appointments with me. You can't assume anything on how they feel or how it's affecting them either which is often what I did. I just assumed at times he just didn't care b/c I let his actions speak not his mouth..Many times he went why don't you just and I had to explain why I didn't just and how if I just it wasn't going to make a bit of difference..He'd say I just do not understand how you can handle that pain month after month like you do b/c I couldn't.. I explained it's not a choice of going through it or not it just was and I didn't like it anymore then he did..Then of course you got those of us with painful sex and you talk about a hard situation for a man to understand. Sex is a joy a pleasure a release for them and never a painful situation so again to comprehend it hurts is like not in their ability to always understand. My husband at times swore if I didn't get it from him I must be getting it elsewhere and isn't that so like a mans attitude about that insecurity..Then it became the whole I don't want to hurt you avoidance with me. A relationship can live without the sex but it can't live without the intimacy. The two are often associated as one and the same but they are not the same. At times I felt I had to proove myself b/c sex wasn't the way I was able to all the time anymore so I got creative. Now of course when my husband had kidney stones he truely began to understand pain. Short lived for him, it was it's own blessing for me. I said can you imagine living with that pain long term? O no he said that's the most pain he's ever felt in his life and it gave him a big understanding of what pain was all about. He learned what it meant for me to be supportive and comforting. I said nothing I can do to ease it but it's not anything you want to be ignored over is it. Of course many times I sat here on this very forum involving him by reading another's story to him to show I'm not the only one and neither is he in dealing with the Endo.. The more involved I made him the more compasion the more understanding and the more knowledge he gained to be supportive of me be it in a doctor office or with a family member who made one of those comments like just have a hysterectomy and be done with it. You'd be suprised how those insensitive comments are quickly taken back when your partner speaks out on your behalf with knowledge. At times I also found his voice in a doctors office carried a heck of alot more weight then mine did. Also some men have a hard time understanding pain they can't visibly see too. We women are aweful good at the ability to cope with and give that false sense it's not that bad. I'd force myself to do things when I truely wasn't capable but in my own thinking this Darn endo wasn't gonna win..So while I pushed myself beyond my limits it confused my husband well if you hurt that bad then why the bleep are you up doing laundry or why are you not in bed. I said if I just let this pain win out then I feel like I've lost control. As for pain some helpful tips Show him exactly where it hurts as specificaly as you can Don't assume that he knows Tell him everytime you feel better inform him of every step taken toward learning more or feeling better ask for his help you might get suprised at what he's noticed and can give feedback on No matter how much you refuse to accept his suggestions try each suggestion within limits of course b/c it shows your respect for his help and willingness and his participation Let him know you do not expect that he can fix this for you and that it's no ones fault that you have endometriosis Explain what his closeness means to you that just comforting you is meeting his duties as your partner Let him know he has not let you down Most of all keep that line of communication in constant motion. Relationships can and do break down over Endo and it's treatments b/c the communication isn't there and it leads only to resentments regret and a break down between the couples. Sometimes it helps to reverse the role and say if you had Endo I would do this for you it gives them insight into your needs and puts them in a position to think she would do that for me if I were sick.. I know for my relationship I often thought he couldn't understand and I thought o what ever why bother to try to explain this and finding myself attemtping to over and over again began to frustrate m no end. I told you before I'd snap I guess you just didn't car eor listen to me. So while I blammed him alot of the time it was me as much as it was him who wasn't follwoing through and being compasionate. It was my battle yes but it became his battle at times too and I lacked the ability at times to see that. He wasn't happy to see me hurting and it surely didn't make his life any easier though my thinking was o lucky you to never have this..I set myself up on the road of resentment and how unfair od me to do that to my husband. I can't expect all the time that he's just gonna be as thoughtful as I might be if the role was reversed it's frustrating for me but is for him too and I had to come to terms with that. hugs sudsey At Thu, 5 Jan 2006, Amanda wrote: > >Hi Ladies...i'm no to the forums here, but it looks like a great place >to find some much needed support!!I'm 19 years old and I live in Canada. >I have not been diagnosed with Endo quite yet, but my doctor and i are >sure I have it...and probably have for a long time!!I have my 1st appt >with my GYN on the 13th of this month...i'm EXTREMELY nervous about the >appointement, and would appreciate any advice you can give me!! I plan >to demand a lap because i'm certain he will find endo. I've been in >alot of pain since i was 15, but it's really started to worsen in the >past few months...so I'm glad that I'm finally getting to see they gyn. >I live with my boyfriend, and although he's an amazing person, and my >soulmate...he just doesnt understand what I'm going through...and >sometimes I feel like he doesnt even try to understand.I know hes doing >the best he can, but I could really use the support from someone whos >going through the same things as me,a dn who knows what I'm >feeling!Can't wait to talk to all of you... >Amanda
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