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Re: angels...

From: Alyson (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Wed Oct 5 12:43:11 2005

Stephanie, I've never wanted children...always insisted it wasn't going to happen, not me I've got too much to do in life and not enough room to make that kind of committment. I got married about four months ago and all of a sudden my world has turned upside down. I look at my husband and fight back tears...all I can think is "It was supposed to be my decision, our decision". But it doesn't seem like my decision anymore, that may have been taken away from me...from you, from all of us. You feel up against a wall with this disease, forced to choose between one life and the "possibility" of another. I am transfixed by pregnant women, mothers and their babies. I've always thought..I'm not going to have my own and if I ever feel like I really need to be a mom, there are too many babies out there without a home. Suddenly I want to be pregnant, I want to see my husband's eyes in my child's...and although I logically know that all of those things still apply, that I can still love a beautiful baby that isn't biologically ours, and that I still don't REALLY know if I want a child, it doesn't relieve that sense of LOSS that I may not have the option anymore. So, I can only imagine that the decision you are having to make is that much more painful. You can logically understand in your head that this is what you need, that this is the best option for you...and your heart can be breaking at the same time. I just wanted to let you know that although our circumstances are somewhat different...I understand. Alyson

At Wed, 5 Oct 2005, Stephanie wrote: >
>I just have to let out a sigh of relief I guess. You all certainly
>understand as we are all going through our own versions of hades, but I
>have found it to be difficult to talk to others around me of my pain,
>physically and emotionally, as so many of you have expressed here. I am
>alone in my battle as I am still single and this does not help I think -
>although many of you have expressed the lack of support from your
>significant others (and maybe that's a whole lot worse than going it
>alone...). However, yesterday the nurse finally called me back about
>talking about a date for a hysterectomy surgery. She was an angel,
>truly... When I told her it was time, but I still want a family, and
>I'm adopted so yes I know that's an option, she immediately said well I
>understand why you'd want a child of your own, the blood ties, etc (she
>said it so much better!) - she made me cry (which made her think I
>wasn't ready for this decision). I cried though because she is the
>first person to truly understand what this decision is costing me. Other
>people around me say just get it and be done with it, there's always
>adoption. True, but they don't understand! (and yes, speaking from
>experience, adoption is a wonderful option) Granted they want me to be
>out of this pain, but they don't get it, she did. What a relief! She
>thinks she did not help me, but truly she did...
>I'm sorry, I can't get this jumble of emotions out exactly the way I had
>hoped, but I'm sure you guys understand. I just had to get it out
>somehow how much of an impact this truly kind and compassionate angel
>made on me, simply for understanding my emotional pain...
>Thanks for listening,
>Stephanie

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