ENDO Messages for September, 2005: Re: How many here are either adopted or have adopted? Chris

Re: How many here are either adopted or have adopted? Chris

From: Sudsey (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Thu Sep 29 08:17:32 2005

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Chris, I grew up always knowing I was adopted and it was somewhat like a bedtime story. My parents told me that I had a mom who loved me so very much but she just wasn't able to provide for me. Of course as I got older I did ask questions but my parents never failed to explain to me as much as they knew. Usualy with a closed adoption you as an adoptive parent will recieve non identifying information such as hair and eye color and some other less intrusive information perhaps that the birthmoms family were short or fat or thin and maybe info about job type ( ex. nurse,was in school). I can not say it bothered me but I remember wondering certain things and asking certain questions that couldn't always be answered. It all fell to my parents and how they were open with me and loving about it. Yes I wondered where I got my hair color from or who's eyes I got it's a natural process we all have gone through,at certain times not all the time. My parents always told me my biological father had my hair color. I as a child visioned these mystery people much like a child comes to envision Santa or Angels or anything else along that fantasy line of thinking. When I met my biological family I walked in expecting them to be like the only parents I ever knew. I was more less in shock to figure out how much about my parents I found simple comfort in. I can like any child predict my parents reactions to certain subject and know what they like and dislike. When I met my birth mother I knew none of these things and in truth we were strangers and most we would be able to have from that point on was a friendship like any two strangers in this world that meet. You raise a child to one day have inlaws and it's not much different from that. My birth mom went on with her life not that she ever forgot me but she married the biological father and they had another child 4 years younger then me. My little sister was less then accepting of me walking into their lives but I understood because she was never told about me. That secret kept from her I can only imagine had her questioning things I'm certain I might have questioned had I not been told either, How does one come to trust their parent who has kept something so personal such a secret. I know she felt betrayed by those she had trusted the most. As my devotion to my parents was there so was my biological moms devotion to my sister. They had the memories they shared and the life experiences throughout my biological sisters life. I too had that with my adoptive family. After my reunion and alot of soul searching at that time of trying to figure it all out in my own mind my best friend asked one question that I'll never forget. She asked me if I had regretted my reunion and if I had the chance to choose would I want to have been raised by my birth family. I never hestitated when I replied. No way you mean to give up every memory I had, every moment I spent with my adoptive family, and all the friends I ever met, even my husband and children now would be erased for such a change and believe me one learns to see the value of what they have in that one question. I love both moms and yet I know there are lines not to ever cross where that love is concerned. I am so lucky my parents stood by my side through my search my reunion and today because without that uncoditonal love and support during it all I'm certain I'd have fallen apart. Even as an adult when I am not feeling well or have some major event in my life it is and always will be my adoptive family I turn to first. My adoptive family knew it was a journey I might one day take and that to try to prevent it or stop it would never be their choice, but what they knew all along was how to be supportive loving and accepting of things that maybe they didn't truely always agree to. Any parent can say they didn't want their toddler to fall down but in learning to walk it's not something we can avoid so we go about making things safe so when they fall we are right there to pick them back up again and that's what my parents have always done, been there to cushion the blows as they came and not prevent me. My mom told me my whole life you have to learn the hard way and no matter how hard we as parents tried you were gonna do it anyway until you went through those experiences and learn it first hand for yourself. The typical I guess age one tries to make their mark in the world is also the age of identity in the teen years. Through rebellions and misstakes we fight to be individual of parents to stand on our own two feet often thinking hey we know it all when in fact we do not. Those were the years I questioned the most of my adoption. I had a few friends who got pregnant and put their children up for adoption which of course led me to more understanding of this mystery birth mom her emotions and perhaps situation. Those friends wanted more then anything to keep those babies and adoption didn't mean they went on to have forgotten them and had this sometimes missconcept of a normal life. They mourned yearly the loss of the little one and wondered about them and yet knew in their hearts that baby was given two loving adult parents who would go out of their way like any two parents do to raise a healthy smart child. It was through those friends I knew myself I'd not been forgotten or been someones misstake in life and I also knew through this ugly debate called abortion that it took a strong brave and full of courage lady to have made that choice and then followed it through the end. Selfless or selfish came up was she selfish in this persuit as some might conclude or was she selfless to give a childless couple a chance at a family? I know myself I could never dream to go through 9 months of pregnancy to birth a baby hear that first cry and say goodbye so my vote is selfless. She endured years of worry wonder and the like never knowing if I was ok had a good family. My reunion I set out to give what she had given to me. I wanted to ease the heart of a women I never knew and I wanted to tell her first hand thank you for that decison and I love you all the more for the pain I'm certain you went through over such a hard choice. I turned out ok. As adoptive parents worry the biological parents will want that child back the Birth moms worry too about that child how they are where they are if they made the right choice and so much more. So many see this divide yet fail to see how much you as an adoptive parent and those as birth moms have in common you both loved and worried about the same little person their whole life and both wanted the best for that child and your hearts stop at nothing to ensure that for that child. Birth parents shouldn't be the enemy as nor should the adoptive parents but too often it is felt that way..If looking to adopt and you find yourself on the millions of web sites out there learning of these reunions and bitterness on every end of this know in your heart you do not have to be the bitter one and in fact it becomes within your own control to make the most of it for all involved. I too went to those web sites during my own search to have it freak me out. Here I was searching and found a multitude of experiences from rejected adoptees to those abused by adoptive parents and the stories go on and on. I've known searching birthmom who met up with resentful adoptive families as well as resentful adoptive children but who had the choices all along? I knew I might face rejection and I feared that yet I knew if it was what I found in the end at least I knew and could begin the process of trying to accept that and I too knew my parents would be there for me if I did face that and be there if I didn't face that. I told myself I wasn't out to find a mother for I had one but I was searching to let this women know I was ok and I didn't hate her EVER for her choice. If she accepted that or not it didn't matter and setting my goal as such was I guess my own protection. Will the child you adopt love you or long for the mystery mother? It's all up to you and the choices you make. Being open about adoption shouldn't be a choice would you want to know or would you want to one day find out your parents lied to you? If your spouse dies is it not up to you to carry on the memories? When Grandma's die we fill the hearts of our children with the memories of days with her and the fun things she did with us and so on think of a birth mother like that and you wont go wrong. You do not have to know if she wanted that baby or loved that baby to give the hope in the heart of that child that she did love them b/c one she chose life not abortion for that child and that is LOVE..As parents we all make misstakes and we all fall short one time or another and the first to know are our children and boy do they love to point that out, but it's then they look up to us to see how we rectify those misstakes and how we cope and how we move on b/c when they are older that's how they will handle things by our examples. I've not met a perfect parent yet so if anyone has let me know but what I have met is some truely loving caring people who will sacrifice anything for the happiness of the children they love, make misstakes and learn from them and never forget to hold that child and say I sure love you bunches ( with Adoption) I know the mommy who couldn't keep you must miss and love you just as much as we do and we are so thankful for her choice so we could be a family. simple yet assuring and reconfirming they as an adopted child weren't someone's misstake or unwanted or unloved. Raise then to wonder and they will feel unwanted unloved and like someones misstake b/c one society is often cruel where that is concerned and people never stop asking the questions often heart breaking like why didn't your mom want you. It wasn't about not wanting me it was about not being prepared or able to provide for me, or as stated here as if my birthmom was a junking and I was saved. Comments like that hurt adopted children...I've even been asked in my time if I was bought and how much they paid for me like some puppy saved at an animal rescue shelter. Do not the parents of kept children shell out a ton of money for prenantal care maternity needs and birthing cost are they bought then???? Think with you heart not with you head.. Hope this helps.. ~hugs~ Sudsey

At Wed, 28 Sep 2005, Chris wrote: >
>Hi Sudsey,
>Thank you for explaining everything you did about being an adopted
>child. You answered a lot of questions I've often wondered about if my
>husband and I were ever to adopt, and I really don't know anyone who is
>adopted to ask. It really helps to know how you feel about your parents
>and the way you described how they feel about you and your sister. I
>have a few questions if you wouldn't mind. When did your parents tell
>you you were adopted and how did they do it? I would think it would be
>best to start as young as possible so it would never be a huge shock?
>And growing up, did it always bother you why your biological mother gave
>you up for adoption? I'm just wondering if you thought about things like
>that and what your biological family is like, etc. a lot....or just a
>little once in a while.
>Thanks, Chris
>
>At Wed, 28 Sep 2005, Sudsey wrote:
>>
>>I'm Adopted !!!! I think some need to hear the stories related to
>>adoption because there is so much hope in adoption... I know the
>>reactions of learning you might have to kiss the dream since childhood
>>of a biological family goodbye but it's not the end all..I know how
>>important and real those feelings are to all of you unable to concieve
>>and yet I know all the importances within the adoption TRIAD as well.
>>
>>For others here adopted can you explain the comments that we as adopted
>>children were hurt by if you had them? What adoption has been to you..
>>From
>>Real parents/ as if adoptive parents are what unreal ( not true)
>>being consider lucky as if unlucky otherwise
>>Saved /unsaved and saved from what?
>>Natural child/ what as if we have un-natural parents ( that makes us
>>aliens right?)
>>Assumption misstakenly made by other on how birth parents are all crack
>>pots druggies or worse which isn't true and hello biological family have
>>the same old issues.
>>
>>Adoptive Parents here what difference has there been in that little
>>bundle of joy aside from no shared DNA or looks which is pretty
>>umimportant
>>I'm certain you look to the children you love as your children and your
>>family as do any of us with biological children would, and those
>>children look to you and say hi mom and hi dad I love you!
>>
>>I am broken hearted for all of you who are unable to experience
>>pregnancy. I know the hurt and fear in the death of a dream you have
>>held so tightly close to your hearts since your own childhood but when
>>that dies by Endo related complications there is still hope there is
>>still the means to have the children you dream of.. It should not
>>matter what color the hair or if they have your eyes b/c it's about
>>loving a child so much that you'd lay down your own life for theirs. If
>>it is a family you dream of, adoption can give you just that, yes minus
>>DNA and last I checked I don't go around concentrating on this DNA
>>aspect of parenting. I see a mother and a small child and think AHHH
>>what a cutie pie. I see the child look up to them and not once do I
>>ponder hmm is that child sharing their DNA, I see the love between and
>>it's beautiful.
>>
>>Adopted as well as reunited with my Birth family. I did not seek to
>>replace the loving family I was raised with that I call mom and dad. I
>>was 25 yrs old before my reunion took place and yes my adoptive parents
>>feared that but why they feared it was interesting. They feared my
>>being hurt by this women who might not want to have been found more then
>>they feared loosing me to her at that age..Holidays are with my Family
>>not my Birthmom though yes I've shared certain off set holidays with my
>>birth family but my devotion my life belongs to my adoptive parents and
>>I can't see that any other way.
>>We were not family by adoption or DNA but by the Unconditional love
>>suppourt and all that they did for me growing up. She's my mom he's my
>>dad the same as a Bio child referrs to the birth parents. My parents
>>did not love me any less b/c I didn't have their DNA or that my mother
>>didn't birth me. If being a family was all about pregnancy and birth it
>>would be well disgusting in my opinion b/c I know it's about
>>unconditonal love, devotion, support, shared expereinces.
>>
>>When I had my first child I gave my own parents the gift of childbith
>>through me. My parents who'd not been able to go through pregnancy
>>childbirth and all of that one aspect of parenting were standing there
>>through it all. My mother and father couldn't have been more excited as
>>they were seeing their first grandson being born and having the ability
>>to be a part of that which Edno robbed her of so many years prior.
>>
>>Adoption isn't saving some poor little child from anything at all it's
>>just creating a family that through all the hard work blood sweeat and
>>tears you put into it will be the most rewarding thing you can imagine
>>it can be.
>>
>>You will hit rock bottom in your heart if letting go of the dream family
>>you only thought possible by pregnancy and it's ok to let yourself feel
>>all those ugly emotions from sorrow to anger to the unfairness within
>>that but then pick your butt up and make it happen another way. That
>>dream family will only die if you let it or want it to it's meerly an
>>adjustment in the means to achieve the family. My father when adopting
>>me feared not being able to love another child. Ok that sounds bad but
>>they adopted my sister before me and he had such devotion and love for
>>my sister he couldn't being to imagine how he'd react to a divide in
>>that but the minuet he held me in his arms that fear was gone and he's
>>not stopped loving me ever since.
>>
>>I know this is certainly a very touchy subject packed with some truely
>>strong emotions and I'm not trying to downplay anyones pain in not being
>>able to concieve yet I want to offer the hope and a glimmer into my own
>>experience as the umm Adoptee who's by no means more special a gift nor
>>saved from some horrible life otherwise. I just got to my parents in a
>>different form then childbirth bottom line that's it that's all...
>>Hugs to all
>>Sudsey

Next message: Stephanie: "adoption"
Previous message: Trisha: "Re: any advice-suggestions?"
In reply to: Chris: "Re: How many here are either adopted or have adopted?"
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