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Re: melt down TO ANGELA (and anyone else interested)From: Agata (anonymous@obgyn.net)Thu Sep 8 10:28:21 2005
Hi Alyson, you are so right! I swear, this decease is making me mental! ( and I havenīt had treatment yet!!!!!!!! ) I had Lap month ago. Since then, all I do is thinking about it, doing a reaserch day after day and of course reading every message on tis board. Even though I live from across the world from most of you I feel so close to all of you. Is it only me or do you also act like this?---- Yesterday, I had a really BAD day. In the evening I started to read posts and I was so touched by all that support, by all that pain and agony--- I had such a break down and was crying for good 20 minutes. Then I wiped my tears and started to read a message which said: " We have got a right to say- ītoday I feel like s**t!!!!!( I donīt remember who wrote it) You shouldīve seen me. I was laughing like crazy. I feel like my personality is changing. Donīt get me wrong, I feel sane ( exept the times when I sit by the computer, read the post and loudly agree with you as if you were with me in the room) I wish you all better days. Agata At Thu, 8 Sep 2005, Alyson wrote: > >Angela, >Yes exactly! I guess that post was really more about me being baffled as >to why we do this to ourselves than me being upset about myself in >particular. I just find it so amazing that in this day and age we still >don't allow ourselves that freedom. Our men are usually the first to >throw themselves a pitty party if they have a cold, but we apologize to >them (even when they are being so supportive) for being in excrutiating >pain. And even crazier, we post messages on this board that we are >having a bad day and then add an apology at the end for saying it. I >mean if we can't whine to each other without feeling ashamed, who can we >whine to? >I think we are all strong women by virtue of dealing with this disease >and still managing to get through life in general. So, I just really >hate that we do this to ourselves, that we view ourselves as weaklings >for aknowledging that some days its just too much. >I'm feeling a little more put together today...at least I haven't cried >yet! ;-) >Thanks for listening! >Alyson > >At Wed, 7 Sep 2005, angela wrote: >> >>Alyson, >>My heart aches for you....quick story....a few days ago I was filling >>out a questionaire for my doc and i gave answers like "the pain is ok; >>not too bad" and I thought my boyfriend was going to come unglued. He >>said "yes it is bad, really bad!! why are you minimizing this?" I >>started to think about the crying fit I had on Friday and I did the same >>things as you. It is the way that we are wired. Somehow saying out >>loud that you feel cra**y is admitting some kind of made up defeat in >>our minds. We as women are programed that we are the glue that holds >>the family together and when we are broken we don't look at it >>realistically to fix ourselves. Prioritize your life. Is the world >>going to end if you don't vacuum this week? can you confide in someone >>at work that you are feeling sick and tired and could use a hand? If you >>are not taking care of yourself...you are not taking care of anyone >>else. Give yourself permission to feel sh**y. You sound like a great >>woman with alot of love for others! Do not feel bad about asking your >>loved ones for some help and support. If you can afford it get a >>massage, pedicure, hire someone to help around the house for a day or >>something like that. Write your husband a short note and thank him for >>his love and support. Hell.....I don't have any answers....this is just >>the stuff I am trying to keep myself sane....it works most of the time! >>I am thinking about you and will be here if you need me! YOU ARE STRONG >>AND WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >>At Wed, 7 Sep 2005, Alyson wrote: >>> >>>Hey Ladies, >>>I went home last night and had a good crying fit, I mean a really good >>>one. My husband is out of town alot, which doesn't help-not his fault >>>though, and when he called last night I finally just broke down. I told >>>him how disappointed I get in myself when I start to feel so >>>overwhealmed and that I don't want to seem weak and whiney. >>>I posted yesterday and I've seen a few other posts today that seem to >>>get at the very same thing. Its made me start wondering how many of us >>>are still living this antiquated idea of what it means to be a strong >>>woman, that we are supposed to suffer our pain without so much as a >>>wimper all while holding ourselves, our lover, families, household, and >>>jobs together. I found myself apologizing to my husband this morning >>>for breaking down last night and he kept asking me why I would apologize >>>for such a thing. I don't know. We even apologize to each other on >>>this site. >>>The crazy thing is that we are all strong women. Our guts are on fire, >>>stabbing, throbbing, pulling, kidneys feel like they are exploding and >>>we get up every day and pull ourselves together as best we can and do >>>what we have to do. We can't make love to our mates, we can't walk the >>>dog, we've lost sight of ourselves and yet we can't give ourselves the >>>gift of saying "You know what, I feel like sh*t today. Again. And I'm >>>freakin tired of it." As Julie said to me, we deserve to scream and >>>pound our fists every now and again. >>>I think I'm going to try therapy for a bit so, as Julie said again, I >>>can pay someone to listen to me throw a fit. Maybe they can explain to >>>me why I don't feel like I deserve that. >>>Whew! Thanks for listening and thanks for your support, >>>Alyson
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