ENDO Messages for June, 2005: Re: Just want to set the record straight

Re: Just want to set the record straight

From: anonymous (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Mon Jun 27 11:03:18 2005

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Well then, while we're at it, let me also join you in 'setting the record straight'.

#1 Never in my wildest dreams would I have considered your post the start of a controversy. You asked a question about finding support groups and I simply gave you my opinion and advice on what to do if there were no established support groups in your area. Support groups are not the only answer nor are they always the best answer. Every woman on this forum is free to do the same to help not just you, but anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation - feeling alone in the world. Nobody has to agree with what I say, nobody has to take my advice or suggestions and NOBODY should be feeling that anything I or anyone else says here is THE FINAL WORD on any subject. For crying out loud aren't you intelligent and free-thinking enough to say to yourself, that sounds like a load of BS and let it go at that? Did anyone else here post any information about finding support groups or creating one of your own? Coping tips? Anything? NO. The only person who even tried was me and then I get slammed for trying. And not only do I get slammed, I get judged and according to the righteous Shannon, I am damned too and shouldn't be alive. In fact, according to her and apparently you too, I should just do you and the entire world a favor and die.

Wow, is that what you call support,caring and compassion?!

#2 You were doing exactly as I was suggesting. You know, even though you asked the question the answer wasn't all about you, other women have asked the same or similar questions lately and my answer was as much for them: If you are feeling alone don't isolate yourself further. If there are no support groups then find other groups of women who are doing something you also enjoy and in the midst of that activity you can find women who share other things in common with you such as endo. I never meant to imply that you were looking for a group in which to wallow in misery with but was simply stating for you and all of the other recent newcomers who have said 'there's no support group in my town, nobody understands, I'm all alone' that they don't have to be alone and they don't have to depend upon some formal organization to 'save' them from being alone. How does encouraging someone to stay involved in the world harsh and hostile? Depression is a very real part of any chronic disease and pain increases depression which increases the feeling of isolation and sometimes you have to be grabbed by the hand and pulled out of that cycle by someone who cares... even if it's metaphorically.

#3 I did read your post with an open mind which is exactly why I made the suggestions I did. To help you (and others) find ways to reach out to other women. As it turns out your original post was misleading, you're weren't falling into isolated depression - is that my fault? You were actually looking for something else and coming from somewhere else.

#4 I did not slam you, and if you felt I did then I'm sorry you misinterpreted what I was saying. I was simply trying to encourage you, and others, to look outside your own immediate circumstance and not get trapped in that cycle that so many do. It's so hard to get out of it and if somebody can come along and steer you away isn't that better? Or would you rather just stand by and watch someone sink into such a state of despair so that you can come along and 'save' them? I'd rather try to prevent someone from going through that.

#5 You know nothing of me, nor does Shannon. Not once did I say anything directly negative about you or Shannon yet you both feel it is your right to sit in judgment of me and my value and place in the world. HOW DARE YOU! Not once did I slam, demean or attempt to humiliate you the way you two have done. Don't blame the mirror when you don't like the reflection.

I'm glad you're feeling so good and I hope you continue to do so. I'm glad you have the support of your family. Not all the women here do, some live far away from their family members or just can't seem to get on the same page with them because 'women with endo don't look sick and if you don't look sick then you must not really be sick'. We've all heard that a million times. Many of the women who post here are struggling with school, career and family demands and they feel guilty for asking for help and understanding, they feel exhausted from trying to explain what can't be explained and they feel isolated and alone. Should they be told to sit around and wait for some organization to find them or should they be told of ways to seek out others like themselves in other ways? Support groups are not always the only or best answer and when they don't exist they aren't even an option but that doesn't mean you can't create your own based upon mutual needs and interests.

Long after you and Shannon go away I will still be here with the other logical, level-headed and intelligent women who post here with full knowledge that we are not obligated to follow everyone's advice all the time, that we are free to sort out that which makes sense from that which does not based upon our own individual needs at any given time. And most people know that the word you isn't always singular, it can be plural too, but then how would I know that since I am lacking in communications skills. Sometimes people need to hear the harsh truth to shake them out of the darkness and remind them that there is light and life outside their own immediate misery regardless of the cause of that misery. Not everyone likes it, but at some point we all need it or we would become lost.

As to the assumptions that I am somehow a lesser person because I use the anonymous feature offered by this forum.... I am not the only who chooses to use that feature. It is offered to us for a reason.

At Mon, 27 Jun 2005, Tammisha wrote: >
>It has been brought to my attention that I have started some controversy
>in this forum. I found out about through an email Erica sent to me.
>Thank you Erica for bringing this to my attention. I hadn’t had time to
>check the forum to see any replies that I may have gotten, simply
>because (and “anonymous” please pay close attention to this) I was
>feeling great and wanted to get out and enjoy life! Now please let me
>set the record straight on some things.
>
>First off it was never my intention to start controversy in this forum.
>Absolutely NO ONE benefits from that. So I hope this hostility towards
>one another can stop. But I have to say I don’t believe I’m truly to
>blame for the start of the controversy. I believe “anonymous’” harsh
>words are.
>
>Secondly, “anonymous” YOU jumped the gun and are WRONG! I am not looking
>for a support group to sit around with reminding myself or their selves
>of all the misery and pain of endo. That is not what I was looking for
>at all. For the harsh reality of endo I have had my parents’ support
>since the day I was diagnosed and I would NOT trade it for anything. If
>you would have read my posting (maybe with an open minded instead of
>with the closed minded idea that everyone is posting to this site is
>writing to complain that they are all alone in their suffering because
>there’s no support group in their town) you would have seen the part
>were I stated that I am doing well. I simply wanted to see if I could
>talk to someone about dealing with life after endo. I have struggled to
>get it under control for 12 years and that was my focus, now I need to
>pick up and start living my life. Yes, I do get depressed and Yes it is
>a fact of life for me, but I know there are positive ways to deal with
>it and that is what I am seeking. I was just seeking advice on how
>others did it. I didn’t want to wallow in self-pity. I even asked if
>there was a book out there on how deal with the after effects of endo.
>Tell me something how can you wallow in self-pity reading a book on
>something positive? I am searching for the positive if I wasn’t I would
>not have reached out and asked for help. I will say this and I’m sure
>it will make you mad, but slamming some one the way you did me will only
>cause that person to go back into the depression they are trying to get
>out of.
>
>Thirdly, the part about getting out and doing things with others, while
>it is good advice, if you would have gotten to know me maybe through
>polite responses in the forum or through emails, instead of slamming me,
>you would have learned that I do get out when ever possible. If I am
>feeling well, I am NOT at home. (Once again, that is the reason it has
>taken me so long to discover this chaos that is going on in the forum, I
>felt good and got out of the house.) I do go to the movies, bowling,
>etc., that is again not the reason why I wrote in. I don’t believe any
>of the women who write in don’t take advantage of getting out when they
>feel well.
>
>Fourthly, I have to agree with what Shannon wrote. I do believe you are
>miserable. If you don’t like reading what people are posting in this
>forum, or you think people are just posting “self pity” responses, why
>do even get on the site? Unless you are just so miserable in you own
>life and you can’t stand the fact that someone posting to this site may
>actually get help you can’t seem to get, so you want to make everyone
>else as miserable as you are. If it was not your intention of slamming
>then why did you come off so harsh. A simple “hey have you tried this,”
>would have been more effect and a lot politer. You want people to be
>positive in the forum but you slam people with hostility because you
>don’t want to take the time to find out where they are coming from. Have
>you ever tried being considerate of other people’s feelings; then maybe
>people wouldn’t accuse you of being miserable.
>
>As for your comment to Shannon about the “I may not include spiritual,
>religious signature lines in my messages but I would never stoop so low
>as to say something like that to anyone, not even you!” YOU DID. In
>fact in my opinion, you stooped LOWER!, when you slammed me the way that
>you did. When I was seeking help, you sent a response to try and tear
>me down lower. While I may not agree with how Shannon wrote her reply,
>I do understand where she is coming from. (Open-minded) I have been
>there myself, she is simply tired of people putting others down because
>they are not feeling well. You sought out to purposely hurt someone you
>didn’t know just because you were CLOSED MINDED to what that person was
>asking.
>
>After reading your posting my first intention was to never post to this
>site or visit it again. I felt attacked and belittled. But for your
>one rude and inconsiderate posting, I receive two caring and help emails
>and not a one of them was wallowing in self-pity, JUST GREAT SUPPORT.
>Shannon’s response got me to thinking too. She was right, many others
>who responded had no problem leaving their name, but you (the one sent
>this whole forum into a NEGATIVE spin of chaos) signed it “anonymous”.
>It just makes you think, that’s all! So you will not run me off. But I
>have some advice to you. I know of some great communications courses if
>you are interested in improving your harsh inconsiderate ways. Hey look
>at it this way, it could be a new hobby for you to do when you are not
>in pain and are feeling well. You know you really should focus on other
>things besides your misery and who knows maybe others will stop saying
>how miserable YOU are!
>
>Thank you to those who did support me and have wonderful and kind words
>and thoughts to send my way. Thanks so much for that.
>
>--
>Tammisha Farmer
>

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