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Re: To Alisia: Re: Why are some men so insensitive? Sorry I just need to vent...PLEASE RESPOND
From: Alisia (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Wed Aug 25 17:47:56 2004
Thanks and I will definately ask him how it would feel to be kicked in
the balls 24hrs a day and see how he reacts. He tries to be understand
but your right he is only 21 and he probably shouldnt even have to yet.
We are both very young and have a lot to learn and hopefully we will
both just learn from the experiences we go through now. And maybe
things will work out and maybe they wont, its just hard to deal with
sometimes. Thanks tho.
At Wed, 25 Aug 2004, Amy wrote:
>
>First of all, I think part of his problem is being 21! Young guys cannot
>see past anything but sex and have not matured enough to know how to
>handle a situation like endo. I dated a guy for several years who was
>much like your boyfriend. Never was there for me, couldn't understand
>why I didn't want to have sex, etc. I finally gave up on him because of
>that and some other issues. Then I met my husband who is the exact
>opposite! Completely understanding, never complains, helps me around the
>house and goes to 95% of my doc appointments. We've now been together
>for 12 years, and married for the last three. Every day is like a
>honeymoon because he treats me with such tenderness and love.
>
>It does not help your pain to be so stressed all the time over a
>relationship. I know two years is a long time to be with someone, but
>if I were you, I would either give him an ultimatim or just get out of
>it entirely. There is much more to loving someone than being sexual.
>Love is unconditional, patient, understanding, supportive, loving, etc.
>Love does not judge someone and say 'how can you be sick all the time'
>and 'are we never going to have sex'? You deserve someone who loves you
>for what you are and who you are and not for how many times you can
>sexually satisfy him. This seems blunt, and I posted this to the
>original message, but my Doc told me this: Next time he complains, ask
>him how he thinks it would feel to be kicked in the balls 24 hours a
>day! A good friend of my hubby would give me a hard time about feeling
>bad all the time and didn't understand. One day I said that to him and
>he has not made a peep since! That is one way to relate your pain to
>him.
>
>It is easy for me to give this advice to you but hard to follow, I know.
>I just cannot stand to see someone who is suffering so much already from
>endo, suffer even more because of a man. There are wonderful guys out
>there. You are only 19 and have many years ahead of you to find someone
>who will love you for who you are and what you have.
>
>Hang in there and just know that you have lots of electronic friends on
>this forum. We can all understand and relate.
>
>Hugs!!!!!!!
>Amy
>
>At Tue, 24 Aug 2004, Alisia wrote:
>>
>>I know its been 4 days since anyone else wrote but I just had to say
>>that your relationship sounds exactly like mine. Although I do not know
>>if it is endo that I have, all I know is that I am pain and it hurts to
>>have sex and that I am tired and burned out. My boyfriend who has been
>>busy with other things lately doesnt understand how someone can be
>>"sick" all the time is how he puts it. And he doesnt even know what is
>>going on with me because he is never around and just the other night he
>>got all huffy and puffy with me because I didnt want to have sex because
>>its just so painful, I have sex with him sometimes even tho its painful
>>because I cant stand to listen to him or for him to be mad at me. But
>>just the other night he got mad because I didnt want to have sex because
>>it hurts and he goes well are we never going to have sex now? And I was
>>like what do you want me to do, it hurts and I cant deal with the pain.
>>And he says why dont you go to the doctor and I say I am, maybe if you
>>were around more you would know whats going on with me. And then I
>>start crying because I just cant take it anymore and he acts all sweet
>>and says sorry and then gets quiet and I ask him what he is thinking
>>about and he goes honestly Im thinking about how I am going to finish my
>>brothers car. Its like he just doesnt understand. I dont know what to
>>do anymore. Sorry to vent like this but I just dont have anyone I know
>>that I want to talk to about it.
>>I just dont know what to do anymore. My boyfriend and I will also have
>>been going out for 2 years in Nov. And like your boyfriends friends, my
>>boyfriends friends also tell him hes told young to be tied down. Hes 21
>>and Im 19. Sorry to vent but thanks for listening I really needed it.
>>Cowgirl03atv@yahoo.com
>>
>>At Fri, 20 Aug 2004, Margie wrote:
>>>
>>>Hi Tia.
>>>
>>>Seems like your boyfriend still needs to grow up. All he can see right
>>>now are his needs and not yours. He also seems to want to have his cake
>>>and eat it too! You should really take stock in your relationship.
>>>Identify the things you do for him and what he has done for you. You
>>>might discover something about your relationship you have never seen
>>>before.
>>>
>>>Right now, you need someone who will come to you and take care of you.
>>>Someone who would be content to hold you in his arms and expect nothing
>>>else. Someone who would cook, clean, take you to the doctor, bathe you
>>>and dress you (if need be). Your boyfriend is looking to "play the
>>>field" and take advantage of the fact that you won't be paying attention
>>>because you are too busy trying to cope with your disease.
>>>
>>>Take it from me, two years is not a long time. You don't want to be
>>>saddled with someone who is as insensitive as he seems to be. You're
>>>better off alone. You need to focus your attention on your issues and
>>>not on what he may be doing behind your back.
>>>
>>>Love is always unconditional. He has to love you for who you are. But
>>>betrayal is a totally different issue. If he cheats on you and expects
>>>you to stay with him, he is sadly mistaken. Unconditional love does not
>>>mean that you will forgive a betrayal. It means you love him for who he
>>>is (fat, skinny, ugly, smart, handicapped, unemployed, etc). You need
>>>to straighten this out immediately. Don't let him think that he can do
>>>as he pleases and then come running to you. That is not a healthy
>>>relationship. Sadly, we sometimes fall into situations like this and
>>>enable their behavior for the sake of love.
>>>
>>>I have been with my husband for a very long time. We have two children.
>>>He lives for us and would do anything (and has) for me and the girls. He
>>>has been with me through out my disease and he has helped me in ways
>>>others men wouldn't have. There are good men out there. It is up to us
>>>not to settle for someone who can't support us in every aspect of our
>>>lives.
>>>
>>>Good Luck. I hope it works out for you.
>>>
>>>At Fri, 20 Aug 2004, Nichole wrote:
>>>>
>>>>Tia, I agree with Ciara you need someone who will treat you with more
>>>>respect and understand you are in pain. I am 30 and have been with my
>>>>husband for 10 years now. Our sex was great in the beginning till my
>>>>endo would flare up and now after knowing I have had this disease since
>>>>I was 17 my sex life sucks. My husband stands by me 100% and so should
>>>>your
>>>>boyfriend. He should understand the pain you are going through but
>>>>until
>>>>you are wrapped up in a ball cause sex absolutely kills you he probably
>>>>won't
>>>>understand. Also some young guys don't understand this disease. My
>>>>husband
>>>>is 13 years older than me and maybe that is why he understands a bit
>>>>more
>>>>than most. I just think you should see if either you can educate your
>>>>boyfriend on this disease and what it is like to go through it each and
>>>>every
>>>>month or dang near every day. Cause now I am at the point my pain is
>>>>there
>>>>daily. Or maybe you should figure things out. But know there are good
>>>>men
>>>>out there who do care and understand. I had my 2nd lap done 2 weeks ago
>>>>yesterday and I am still in some pain. Not as bad but it is still there
>>>>so
>>>>today I am going to find out if in December I can do a hysterectomy and
>>>>maybe
>>>>then my sex life will increase due to the pain hopefully won't be there.
>>>>I need to do something and so do you one way or another. You need to
>>>>think
>>>>of your health cause this disease hurts and brings one down cause you
>>>>are always
>>>>in pain so please think of yourself. I don't even think we live a
>>>>normal
>>>>life due to the pain, My hubby wants to go out and have a barbeque and
>>>>guess
>>>>what I don't feel good so I don't go or I go but am quiet cause I am in
>>>>pain.
>>>>Your boyfriend needs to read what all of us are saying on here and maybe
>>>>he
>>>>will get a clue. Have him go with you to your dr. appt for your dr. to
>>>>tell
>>>>him why things are the way they are that might help also. Anyways I
>>>>will get
>>>>off my soap box hope this helps you out. Keep smiling
>>>>
>>>>At Thu, 19 Aug 2004, anonymous@obgyn.net wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>Tia,
>>>>>
>>>>>Keep your chin up you can do so much better. I started having symptoms
>>>>>really young. When I was 17 my high school sweetheart dumped me because
>>>>>I was too moody for him. I had my lap at 17 and vowed to never date a
>>>>>guy who didnt understand. Well I am 19 and I have found one (he is
>>>>>nearly 21). I still have symptoms. For one day out of every month all
>>>>>I want to do is cry. I get leg cramps that drive me crazy. And
>>>>>sometimes sex does hurt. He was my first so we did have sex alot at
>>>>>first, however things have been changing and recently we went a month
>>>>>without it because it caused me pain. Your boyfriend should care about
>>>>>you. He should NOT want to cause you pain. It is hard living with
>>>>>this, and guys need to understand that. If he is not willing to give a
>>>>>little then you need to cut him loose. As 'endo-people' we have enough
>>>>>pain to deal with in our lives. I have had this since I was 14, its
>>>>>hard enough to live a 'normal' life.
>>>>>
>>>>>Good luck with him, but from what I read you deserve alot better then
>>>>>that!
>>>>>
>>>>>Ciara
>>>>>
>>>>>At Thu, 12 Aug 2004, Georgie wrote:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Hi Tia,
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Sorry that you are in so much angst at the moment.
>>>>>>>From reading your post I get the feeling that your boyfriend is
>>>>>>demanding unconditional love from you without giving you the same gift
>>>>>>in return. To me that seems a bit one sided and selfish - if he really
>>>>>>loved you he wouldn't be pressuring you for sex when he knows how much
>>>>>>it hurts you; he wouldn't be expecting you to do his laundry or
>>>>>>cleaning, but instead would be doing yours for you! Intimacy is so much
>>>>>>more than physical pleasure, although that is a healthy part of an
>>>>>>appropriate loving relationship. If he wants the sex without the
>>>>>>intimacy, I suggest that you are both missing out on what a relationship
>>>>>>is meant to be.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I'm sure that there is a lovely man out there somewhere who will love
>>>>>>you and look after you regardless of your disease and the
>>>>>>frequency/absence of sex. Keep your chin up!
>>>>>>
>>>>>>--
>>>>>>Georgie
>>>>>>
>>>>>>At Wed, 11 Aug 2004, Tia wrote:
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>It's me again. Don't mean to be obnoxious, but I am just really sad.
>>>>>>>On top of my pain, another added layer of stress: My relationship.
>>>>>>>I have been with my boyfriend for going on 2 years this December; but I
>>>>>>>feel like we are starting to grow a part and it has a lot to do with
>>>>>>>this disease.
>>>>>>>He's 21 soon to be 22 and I am 20 soon to be 21.
>>>>>>>He's been talking about how frustrated he is that intercourse is no
>>>>>>>longer regular and how it hurts me. How I am always in pain and all i
>>>>>>>want to do is sleep.
>>>>>>>He says he understands but I feel like he selectively understands. I
>>>>>>>feel like I do everything for this guy. I cook, I clean his place, I do
>>>>>>>his laundry, I lend him money sometimes. In turn he tells me loves me
>>>>>>>and doesn't want to loose me; but wants to know if our love is
>>>>>>>unconditional.
>>>>>>>In other words he wants to know if he went off with someone else or
>>>>>>>wanted time to do his own thing, would I take him back?
>>>>>>>To me this sounds absolutely ridiculous and I feel like he is just
>>>>>>>playing with my emotions. I feel like the only reason he has not run
>>>>>>>off yet is because he knows that I would be so angry and I wouldn't take
>>>>>>>him back.
>>>>>>>His theory is that if you love someone unconditionally if they mess up
>>>>>>>then you are willing to work it out.
>>>>>>>I mean that is fine and dandy but I feel like this whole thing is
>>>>>>>premeditated. Like he is testing to see how far he can push the
>>>>>>>envelope with me.
>>>>>>>His pig head friends all tell him that he's too young to be tied down
>>>>>>>and he should go experience what is like out there since he had not been
>>>>>>>with many partners.
>>>>>>>I feel like he brings up my past just to prove that I had my fun and so
>>>>>>>should he; but ends it with "i love you and don't want to loose you."
>>>>>>>I feel like it is a bunch of crap. I feel like he is selfish and just
>>>>>>>using whatever excuse to try and justify the fact that he wants more
>>>>>>>intercourse. But I am in no state right now to have sex 4, 5, 6, times
>>>>>>>a day.
>>>>>>>I know that there are some of you going through some hard times with
>>>>>>>your husbands and boyfriends. I am just unsure as to what to do. Do I
>>>>>>>let this thing play out? I told him how I felt and our conversation
>>>>>>>lastnight ended with I'll call you tomorrow. I could be waiting until I
>>>>>>>am blue in the face.
>>>>>>>There is someone older that seems to be more understanding to what I am
>>>>>>>going through and sometimes helps me get through the day more so than my
>>>>>>>own damn boyrfriend.
>>>>>>>I blame myself because I have allowed him to get so close to me that I
>>>>>>>feel like I would have nothing left. We have the same friends, go to
>>>>>>>the same church, pretty much do everything together. This just hurts
>>>>>>>and I don't know what to do. As if the physical pain is not enough. I
>>>>>>>am sitting here at my job crying. This sucks. I want to go home.
>>>>>>>Has anyone felt like this? I feel like i have invested too much to give
>>>>>>>up, but I also feel like I cannot play this game with him. Any advice?
>>>>>>>Sorry so long.
>>>>>>>- Tia
>>>>>>
>>>>>--
>>>>>Ciara Conway
>>>>>
>>>>--
>>>>Sincerely Nichole
>>>>
>>>--
>>>Margie
>>>
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