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Re: Spiritual aspect of endo.
From: Alexandra (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Tue Apr 15 16:00:29 2003
At Tue, 15 Apr 2003, DJ wrote:
>
>At Mon, 14 Apr 2003, zoe wrote:
>>
>>At Sat, 5 Apr 2003, holly wrote:
>>>HI I certainly understand what you are going through. I was diagnosed with endo 4 years ago after being told for years my cramps were normal. Lap, lupron, constant pill etc. etc. Things are a bit settled down now but of course it's not gone completely. My partner and I want to have a baby (I am 34) at some point. I used to obsess on if I could, if I couldn't until I would get myself really worked up and depressed. We are not actively trying right now, and I still fear I may not be able to concieve because of the endo- not my age. I finally had a breakthrough. Instead of focusing on whether or not I can carry a child, I focus on how wonderful it will be to be a mother. That means we have added adoption to our plans and it's great! If I can get pregnant, that's wonderful and I pray that happens. But, instead of trying for years and going through fertility treatments to possibly be dissapointed over and over again, we have decided to adopt a baby if I can't carry. That way, we can spend time enjoying parenthood rather than be stressed and sad that I can't get pregnant. Endo and infertility are no fun- God knows I have grieved many times, but life is also for living! Peace, Zoe
>>>i'm trying to find peace. it's so hard though. the only thing that has
>>>really helped right now is the 6 month hiatus from trying to conceive
>>>that the lupron is forcing us to take. before i started lupron, i would
>>>finally start to heal, and then i would get my period. and the grief
>>>started all over again, only worse every time. now, i don't get that
>>>reminder of failure every 27 days. i haven't had a period since feb.6,
>>>and it's been refreshing. i don't worry about if i'm ovulating or not.
>>>dh and i don't schedule sex. i don't have to lay there after for 30
>>>minutes to make sure everything is safe in there. well, actually, i've
>>>been spotting for 6 weeks, so sex is kind of out of the picture. but if
>>>i weren't spotting, i wouldn't have to lay there. lol
>>>
>>>i am trying to "give it all to God," like so many people tell me to do.
>>>but i don't know how to do that. when you've been so focused on having
>>>a baby for 6 years, it's difficult to change your outlook overnight. so
>>>i guess the lupron is helping me not only physically, but also
>>>emotionally. i'll find my faith again. i just don't know when or how
>>>yet.
>>>
>>>At Sat, 05 Apr 2003, jacob wrote:
>>>>
>>>>As a strong independent career woman I had my life under control. My world
>>>>was exactly how I wanted it and I worked as hard as hell to keep it that
>>>>way. In other words... I had some pretty serious control issues. I
>>>>accomplished one task in life to move on to the next. Not having children
>>>>because it was not in my schedule yet. But of course as soon as I wanted
>>>>them, I could snap my fingers and they would appear... right. Because after
>>>>all everything else in my life that I wanted I could work really hard for
>>>>and if I was determined enough and devoted enough it would happen.
>>>>
>>>>So when after years of pain, I felt an enormous amount of pelvic pain 2
>>>>months ago while having sex. I went to the doctor. My carefully sculpted
>>>>world crashed around me. After a lapatomy a week later my doctor found an
>>>>orange sized cyst eating away at my left ovary and tube, a right ovary that
>>>>never had developed and did not exist, a tilted uterus and stage 4
>>>>endometriosis. I did not need a medical degree to realize something very
>>>>quickly. Children were going to be impossible.
>>>>
>>>>My understanding that if I just worked hard enough, or wanted it bad enough
>>>>came to a hault. Suddenly it was not about me working any more. I could
>>>>not will my way out of this situation. I could not focus on my
>>>>endometriosis and fix it like I had done with everything else. And after
>>>>all didnt God know that my next task in life was to have children. He was
>>>>messing up my plan.
>>>>
>>>>I had surgery, am starting on lupron and nutrition all the things I am
>>>>supposed to do. But I needed something more. All the advise I was getting
>>>>was physical (which is good) but my spirit was just as broken as my body.
>>>>
>>>>My prayers turned from "Father thank you for...." to conversations more
>>>>like "What the Fuck is going on God! What are you doing to me! Dont you
>>>>know how hard I work, Dont you know what a good mom I would be!" And that
>>>>is when I got my answer. A gentle quiet beautiful answer. "Its really
>>>>not about you... its about us"
>>>>
>>>>A peace flooded over me as if I have never felt peace before in my life.
>>>>For the first time ever I came up against something so much bigger than
>>>>myself that I didnt have to fight because I could not. Facing
>>>>endometriosis (pain) and infertility (unfulfillment) for the rest of my life
>>>>was certainly not in MY plan. It was to big for me to do alone. But then
>>>>that gentle quiet beautiful answer keep coming back to me. "Its not really
>>>>about you... its about us."
>>>>
>>>>REST. I am resting. I am resting in this overwhelming peace that my joy is
>>>>here and will sustain itself even without children. TRUST. I am trusting.
>>>>I am trusting that my husband will love me even if I am not the perfect wife
>>>>and mother of his children. LOVE. I am in love. I am in love with the
>>>>blessing that Christ has given me now and am finding my satisfaction in
>>>>those and not just getting ready for the next task in life.
>>>>
>>>>Would I ever have felt these emotions without endo? I dont know. Would I
>>>>have ever felt these emotions with 7 kids and a pain free life? I dont
>>>>know.
>>>>
>>>>Would I have ever felt these emotions without Christ telling me that "Its
>>>>not really about you...its about us" Not in a million years
>>
>>--
>>Zoe
>>
>--
>Thank you Zoe, for being so honest with us and for sharing your willingness to look beyond yourself to what God
>would say about a situations1!
>Blessings,
>DJ
>
Its nice to read somebody with such a peace in their heart. I just
going through the same,I finished Lupron and I hope to get pregnant. I
don't know if adoption is the right option and I don't think about it
but I'm looking forward to get pregnant. When I think that I may not be
able to get pregnat I can't sleep, my face is down, depressed, etc. Is
so difficult to go through all these. I'm afraid but I still waiting.
I hope that you will get pregnant as well as I'm looking forward for
myself.
God know we need it.
good luck
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