Re: Don't Know What to do!!!!!!!-Need Advice
From: Mindy (anonymous@obgyn.net)
Tue Apr 30 11:45:46 2002
I could not agree more with what Lana said! It's the same as when they
look around the house and see house work needs to be done, but they
don't do it until we point out exactly what we need them to do!!!!!
Husbands feel helpless when we are in pain and don't know how to respond
and telling them what we need is crutial. Shutting them out can cause
more harm than good.
I, too, can understand your anguish over not being able to have a baby.
My hubby and I tried for three years. We conceived exactly the 3rd year
and I miscarried 3 months later. I was completely devastated. I keep
thinking, "is it going to take three years again!?" My hubby never
brings up adoption either, and I think it is just something I need to
initiate. I know he wants to, but it's not his nature to initiate
things like that.....remember the house work thing! If I got the info
and gave it to him to read, I know he would be more than open to it. I
bet your hubby would, too.
Best wishes to you. I understand your pain.
Mindy
At Tue, 30 Apr 2002, Lana wrote:
>
>At Mon, 29 Apr 2002, anonymous wrote:
>>Dear All:
>
>I sympathize with all of what you have said. I have been married for
>almost 2 years now. ABout 9 months ago, we decided to go off the pill
>and try to conceive. 3 months later I was diagnosed with endometriosis.
>Not an easy thing to deal with in a marriage. My first feelings were
>extreme guilt to my husband who married me thinking he would get it all
>(wife, family...). I have to give him so much credit for his ability to
>constantly assure me that having children is not everything, he married
>me because he loves me, and not some child he has never met. However,
>he lost big points on how he handled me during my painful days. I knew
>he cared, but he just was not being supportive inthe way I needed him to
>be - and, because I was in so much pain, I was irritable and we fought.
>After about 2 months I realized that he is not a mind reader and he
>really does want to help. So, I sat him down and told him exactly (and
>I mean down to even what to say!) what I need when I am in pain. I
>futher stopped trying to be brave or be a martyr and allowed myself to
>weep in his arms when the pain was bad and started asking for what I
>needed things when I hurt( ie, to go get me things or do the dishes even
>though its "my night").
>
>He was so thankful for all this. First, by letting him see just how
>severe the pain can get, he began to really understand what I go through
>and had new respect for it/me. Second, he really didnt know what would
>help and was himself getting frustrated because he didnt know what to
>do. Now he knows exactly what to do and say when Ineed it - and just
>because I told him to do it, doesnt make it insincere, he really wanted
>to help! And finally, I learned that he is happy to pitch in more around
>the house when I cant do it. But again, he is not a mind reader and so
>I just simply need to let him know when I cant do something. So - this
>is my long winded way of telling you to teach him how to support you. Im
>sure he wants to, but just doesnt know how.
>
>As for adoption - oddly, my husband doesnt really want to discuss it
>either, although we are still hopeful that we may be able to conceive.
>So, I have no advice here. Maybe you should take him to the doctor with
>you sometime so he can hear the doctor's opinion on the liklihood of
>having a baby?
>
>Anyway, it sounds unromantic, but truly just tell him what you need when
>you need it. Men are fairly dense when it comes to complex female
>emotions and you will make both of your lives happier by being open and
>honest about the type of support you need from him.
>
>Good luck with it all.
>Regards,
>Lana
>
>>Dear "All",
>>Try this link -- maybe the docs at this site can recommend someone in
>>your area. http://www.womenssurgerygroup.com/contactus.asp
>>
>>At Mon, 29 Apr 2002, Julie wrote:
>>>
>>>Not from your area, so I can't recommend another doctor. Just wanted to
>>>tell you I think you're smart to consider adoption. I'm 29 and single
>>>and made myself miserable worrying about fertility. I'm finally at
>>>peace with myself now that I've considered adoption. In fact, I'm so
>>>excited about it that I plan to pursue adoption even while single. Best
>>>of luck with your husband!
>>>
>>>At Sun, 28 Apr 2002, ALL wrote:
>>>>
>>>>I have endo. DH and I have been trying to have a baby for almost three
>>>>years. Been through 2 failed IVF cycles. Re says it's time to adopt. I
>>>>didn't respond to the stims. I have posted on here before about extreme
>>>>shoulder pain with my periods. Re dosen't seemed too concerned about
>>>>this he just thinks I am going into premature ovarian failure (FSH level
>>>>has never proved this). All of this stuff is taking a toll on me. I am
>>>>also afraid that my marriage is being affected. I love my DH. He is a
>>>>good man. I just don't get the support I need from him. I am 32 years
>>>>old and have always wanted children. I am having a very hard time with
>>>>all of this. I feel that he could at least try to help me get the
>>>>adoption process started. He never brings it up and when I do he says I
>>>>need to stop thinking about this all of the time. What should I do?
>>>>Also I am beginning to think I need a second opinion about my endo. and
>>>>who knows maybe another RE would be interested in another infertility
>>>>treatment.
>>>>Anyone know any good RE or endo. specialist in the West Vigrinia, KY,
>>>>or Ohio area? I know I have rattled on about many different problems but
>>>>thanks for reading. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I don't want my
>>>>marriage to suffer. Please help.
>>>>
>>>>--
>>>>ALL
>>>>
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