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'I know how she feels, how soft her kiss is; I know how she feels....inside'From: Husband (anonymous@obgyn.net)Tue Aug 7 06:52:25 2001
To My Amazing Wife with Endo (WFarbs@cs.com), "I will not let this disease destroy you anymore!" All I could do the last couple of months to get to inside your head and find out what is making you so angry all the time, short fused, and generally what made you change from the sweet loving temperate tolerant woman I married, to what you have become; was to scan the obgyn.net message boards and research and read all of your postings. You probably figured as much. I seemingly ended up learning A LOT about you! I learned A LOT! AS well as what you've been thinking the past few months. It really opened my eyes. It brought tears to my eyes the way you sent out an e-mail asking for prayers to help your mother through her heart attack. You were very passionate, very desperate and scared even in your written word..."...please pray for my Mom as she is MY BEST FRIEND in the whole wide world and I don't know what I'd do without her"....sc" I never knew that. Your mom is lucky to have you! Your cute little uplifting notes you send to all of the girls with endo/adymi, even one's you've never met or even talked to is a neat side of you I've never seen. You give them a lot of support, and kind words, and lots of warm hugs and kisses. You're sending out big warm hugs and kisses to women thousands of miles away that don't hug you back at that instant. You are really cool. You keep up with their upcoming medical procedures, laparoscopies, surgeries, test results and even responses to medication. You are wishing them well, wishing them "pain-free" days, yet you can barely muster up the strength to get out of the chair late at night when you're finished with the computer. Your lower back is absolutely on fire....you just want to sleep deep and pain free now, but your two year old needs to be carried up the tallest stairway in the world tonight....but you make it through, somehow. You're a pillar of hope to a lot of sick women, and a great welcomer to the new, scared girls who are going to go follow in your foot-steps soon, and you just wish you had AN EXACT ANSWER FOR THEM. I know you search everything you can get your hands on and talk to as many women available who have any knowledge of this absolutely useless disease. You hope and pray for any piece of information that might have gotten overlooked somehow, that you could use to ease your misery even just a "LITTLE BIT". Somedays feeling helpless, somedays feeling hopeless and some days just wanting to die, you dream of your healthy active youth. What you'd give to go back to a pain-free world. For some reason, the sunset isn't as beautifully real as it used to be when you feel like somebody is constantly twist-squeezing your middle back with a handful of rib and spine from the inside-out. Or your shoulder. Or your thighs. Or God forbid tonight, all three? And the funny thing is is that you know exactly what the internal twist-squeeze pain feels like, and it's a word I just made up just now. You wish it was a friggin' question on "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire", because you wouldn't need to phone a friend, or ask the audience, or get any help. If you had a good pencil and an easel you could draw a picture of how your pain feels on the inside of your body to exact detail. Now if only your Gyno Dr. would stop looking at your drawing upside-down. That bastard. Has this man ever even SEEN the inside of a vagina? If you leave his office one more time without any answers or relief, you might have him killed if you could afford the hit-man. What the hell, pay the hit-man to at least fire a few shots over the heads of the girls that work the front desk...at least you'd get some empathy or respect for once. The days keep going by, the pain doesn't really ever leave, as you drive to your next futile appointment your mind spins in circles...Was it something that you did to deserve this? A sports injury? Is it all in your head? Pain-Pills and anti-depressants? Is that all they've got for this? Why isn't there a sure cure? This absolutely unmanagable pain won't leave you alone for five minutes, yet your husband is pissed at you because he can't get off tonight....what a jerk! You'd like him to experience half of this pain for 10 minutes and he'll shut his cake-hole FOREVER!! (I get it.) It's amazing that you are so independent and strong, that somehow, someway you will still manage to make it through the work-week and make money. Pay the mortgage. Pick up after the kids. Clean the house. Look after the kids. Do the laundry. Pick up after the kids again. Do the dishes. Run the errands. Pick up after the kids yet again. You still have half of your stuff to do, half of it you did today and you hope tomorrow you can finish without this unrelenting pressing pain...yes then you will catch up on your tasks and phone calls....for tomorrow with the Grace of God the pain will be gone. You lump onto the bed at the end of the day completely exhausted, feeling literally like somebody stabbed you with a knife all over your body...oh shit, now your six year old is sick, crying and throwing up red kool-aid out in the hallway!....where's that husband of yours? What a jerk.....! Honey, I may not communicate it to you enough, but I do understand how you feel after I snooped through the bulletin boards. You talked a lot of smack about me! But I guess I have a better understanding why. And my offer still stands. (Becasue I trash-talked you on the MENDO board as well...jk!) You Really DON'T HAVE TO DO SO MUCH. YOU REALLY CAN CUT MOST OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES and we'll be okay somehow! Why don't you consider it? We should talk about it. I love you..... Honey, come home, please. I really miss you!! Come home as fast as you can and give me a big warm hugs and kisses! To all you special women out there who suffer in part or in full of endo/adyn ... God bless you and may you feel relief soon! Stay strong, stay focused, don't take anything for granted! Wendi and I will pray for you all! Wendi, I love you forever, through pain, sickness and in future health. I love you. Your Loving Husband, AndrewFarbs
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